Will Creston become the first municipality to replace its taxes with a crowdfunding campaign? Sources with relatives with friends with friends of village officials claim that the village board is only days away from debuting their fundraising page on Patreon, a popular crowdfunding site.
“Sure things are fine now,” said one anonymous source, “but with our incompetent state government, who knows what will happen? We have to prepare for the possibility that we might lose all state funds. Now Creston has been through its share of hardships, but I don’t think the residents want to revert to depression era living. That’s what we’re trying to avoid.”
Patreon is intended to support writers and artists, but another source says there’s no reason the site couldn’t be used to support a community.
“Personally, I think of Creston as an evolving work of rustic art! Everyday the village changes, and this work of art takes on new meaning. So I think the village will be justified to charge for every day that the village exists.”
Other sources insist that the village will continue to provide the services the residents have come to expect, like sewage and zoning. The funding page, claim the sources, will provide a new source of income for the village.
“If you call it a tax, people will get upset and send the Tea Party after you. If you call it crowdsourcing, people will open their wallets. Plus, people from around the world will have the opportunity to support Creston with their money! We’ll be trending, whatever that means.”
The web page will offer rewards for each donation level. Donors who give a dollar a day will get access to an exclusive web form. Donors who donate $100 a day will get a discounts at all three major businesses. Donors who give a million dollars a day will be allowed to “write any ordinance you want and we will vote on it. Ordinance must comply with the federal and state constitutions.” Donate $2 million a day, and the village board will pass the ordinance.”
The web site, according to the sources, will also show case goals if the village receives a certain number of donations per day. The goals range from covering up potholes as soon as they’re reported, to hiring professional firefighters.
When this reporter asked to speak with the village president, the receptionist picked up the phone.
“Tom (Byro)? I have good news and bad news. The good news is that there’s a reporter from Rochelle that wants to speak to you. The bad news is that he’s from the Rochelle Reader.”
Village officials refused to be interviewed, but did release a statement denying any plans to use Patreon to raise funds, or replace any taxes.
Also in the Rochelle Reader:
Giant mosquitos spotted outside of Rochelle
Aliens haul away tornado debris
Militant atheists knocking on residents' doors
God continues to bless Rochelle