Monday, June 22, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Russia’s RT to start ‘Rochelle Today’ web site

RT, a global media organization funded by the Russian Government, will launch the Rochelle Today web site this Fall.  Rochelle Today is the Russian media’s first foray into the US local news industry.

“For too long, the Rochelle News-Leader has only provided a limited prospective.”  Said a source who only identified himself as Mikhail.  “We want to give a voice to the voiceless.  We want to present the news that you don’t see in the News-Leader, but isn’t as crazy as what you see in the Reader!”

Mikhail promises that RT will not be like Topix, which he accuses of being overrun with petty gossip.  Nor will it be like patch.com, which calls, “A glorified bulletin board.”

“We will have professionals on the ground in Rochelle gathering as much intelligence, I mean news as possible.  Our paid staff will give you the news Rochelle residents didn’t know they wanted or needed!”

Mikhail gave two examples of stories that RT is working on.  The first story asks why Mayor Chet Olson isn’t strong enough to clean the tornado damage all by himself.  The second article explains why, even though Rochelle would be even more safe and prosperous, Russian President Vladimir Putin is legally barred from ruling the United States.

“We’ll also make up, I mean report, stories about the dangers of GMOs, and evils of the organic food industry.  Someone is bound to be offended, I mean engaged, by our reporting!”

Despite the site being based in Russia, Mikhail feels that Rochelle residents will relate to the articles in RT.

“These are the stories that are really important!  Sure we’re from halfway around the world, but we share the same work ethic and conservative values as Rochelle.  We almost share the same faith too, but we can persuade you to follow the true Orthodox path to God!”

Critics, like Abraham’s patron Doug Z. Carman, accuse of RT of trying to undermine Rochelle with their web site.  “What they’re really going to do is post stories from the Left and Right, to sow mistrust in our local government.  Once we’ve lost confidence in our leaders, their special forces units will sneak in there to cause trouble.  In the confusion, we’ll start shooting each other instead of the real enemy.  Before you know it, Russia will annex the Northside!  We can’t have that!  Now, do you want to hear how I know that Obama is really a Jewish, atheist Muslim?”

Mikhail denied the charge.  “Just because we want to establish a web site for every community in the 16th Congressional District doesn’t mean we are trying to oust Rep. Adam Kinzinger.  Nor is this part of a greater plan to turn the United States in to a Pro-Putin puppet state!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for Olson said, “This just goes to show that Rochelle is the hub of the world!”

Also in the Reader:

Soviet thunderstorm attack misses Rochelle
Space alien accuses DeKalb police of harassment
Bigfoot spotted cleaning up Rochelle

God blesses Rochelle this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction. If you like this post please consider supporting me on Patreon.

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