Monday, May 4, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Locals spot Jade Helm 15 operatives

Eyewitnesses in Rochelle claim to have seen operatives who are part of the US Military’s Jade Helm 15 exercise.  While the military claims that Jade Helm 15 is only a multi-state training exercise, some critics, like Chuck Norris, claim that it is really a campaign to place the Western United States, including Texas, under martial law.

Doug, a Rochelle resident, who asked that we not use his last name, says there’s at least one member of the special forces in Rochelle.  “I know a friend who has a cousin who has a son who’s in the special forces.  He says he’s going to be in town when Jade Helm starts.  Why would he be here during the operation?  Will Rochelle really be a part of the operation?  It makes you want to ask questions, don’t it?”

Lance, who asked not to be fully identified, claims he saw a member of the military shopping at Headon’s meat market.  “He mentioned that this was a ‘strategic location.’ and that he was looking forward to shopping there ‘while he could.’  When I asked when he did, he said he was part of an artillery team.  Well, Creston is the highest point between Chicago and the Mississippi.  And it is pretty close to Rochelle, which is the Hub City.  Could it be that the military is going to use Creston to attack Rochelle?  Well, it would be the most exciting thing to happen here since they put computers in the library.”

Charlie, a Dixon resident, say he spotted a “foreign operative” in Rochelle.  “I was at the Rochelle Railroad Park when I heard some speaking with a very strange accent.  He said he was from Canada.  Even said, ‘eh’ at the end of his sentences.  Anyway, I asked what brought him down here, and he said that he was ‘just spying on the trains.’  Then he said that he hoped that someday, we would be liberated from President’s Obama’s rule,  and things would be much better if Wildrose ran everything.  Could it be that Canada is going to invade the US during Jade Helm?”

Paul X, a “covert historian” living in a compound outside of Malta, believes that Jade Helm 15 will lead to World War III, which could result in the United States being divided between Mexico, Canada, and the United Nations.  Northern Illinois could become a part of Canada.

“There’s never a bad time to stock up on ammo, and this is an especially good time!”  Said X.  

In the background, a woman said, “Sweetie, shouldn’t we donate some of our ammo to the sheriff?  We have more than all the other police departments in Ogle County combined.”

“Exactly!  If we have all the ammo, they can’t use it against us!”

The US military, when asked to comment, sent a press release stating that, “No one will be inconvenienced by Jade Helm.”

Also in the Reader:

Weredeer denied hunting license
Oregon to hold UFO Days event
Ghost train passes through Rochelle

God to bless Rochelle on 5/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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