Monday, May 18, 2015

Food Babe wins 2015 Disease Consortium's Woman of the Year Award

Screen capture by GRuban
Vani Hari, known as the ‘Food Babe,” received the Disease Consortium’s 2015 Woman of the Year award at an undisclosed location in Chicago.

Said presenter Don, “Your ability to disguise fear as advocacy and misinformation as science is unparalleled!  You have brought corporations to their knees by exploiting the public’s lack of understanding basic chemistry.  You are a true threat to modern agriculture, and your efforts will lead to fewer crops and more opportunities for the consortium to spread our latest infectious agents!”

Don singled out her October 2011 tweet claiming that flu vaccines were used as a “genocide tool.”  According Don, the consortium’s research suggested that this tweet helped contribute to the spread of the California Measles Outbreak in 2015.

“Californians are so distrustful of vaccines because they’re afraid of chemicals.  We can thank you, Vani, for creating such an infectious environment!”

Hari happily accepted the award, and thanks her handlers at the Consortium for getting her started as a food blogger.

“When Phil first approached me, I told him I that I was a computer consultant, not a food specialist.  He told me not to worry.  If I didn’t understand something, I should assume its dangerous.  Then I should tell other people that its dangerous.  He said I looked so trustworthy, that many people wouldn’t question my judgement.  Boy was he right!  Some people say I’m evil for doing this, but I’m not.  If I were evil, I would say that we should ban DHMO from all food products because it’s also used in nuclear reactors, is a fire retardant, and kills 3,533 people per year.”  When the audience sounded confused, she replied, “I’m actually talking about water.  I can make anything sound scary!”

She also added that she likes to exploit the Naturalistic Fallacy.  “Most people that organic farming is pesticide free.  The truth is, it isn’t.  However, by calling it ‘organic’ and saying it is ‘natural,’ people will assume it is safe to eat and good for the environment.  Let’s face it, we know that nature really wants to kill us.  The Consortium is just pointing nature away from us, and towards the gullible.”

Hari says she has encountered resistance from skeptics.  The crowd erupted into boos when she mentioned Dr. Steven Novella and Dr. David Gorski.  She isn’t worried, however.

“Their followers are horrible people who only wish they were half as smart as we are.  They’re fueled, both by Gorski’s words and their undeniable hatred of women!  Every time their followers call me a ‘bitch,’ ‘slut’ or threaten to rape me, they entrench my followers and alienate the general public from their crusade.  They will fail, no matter how respectfully insolent they may be!  If they ever become a serious problem, I can always distract them by mentioning PZ Myers.”

Near the end of the presentation, Alex Jones walked on to the stage and presented Hari with a photograph of a flag.  She smiled and held up the picture for the crowd.

“I get it!  This is a false flag!”

“Of course.  You run second best false flag operation on the Internet.  Next to my program, of course.”

The Consortium is a secret organization believed to be responsible for creating the most contagious diseases on Earth.

Also in the Babbler:

Mayor Claar promises not to outlaw motorcycles or guns
Chicago area skeptics plan road trip to disprove earthquake scare
Woman sees image of James Randi in deep dish pizza

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/21/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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