Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Time Traveler executed after spoiling the ending of A Song of Ice and Fire

Bolingbrook police executed a time travel from the 22nd century who planned on spoiling the conclusion of A Song of Ice and Fire series.

“We didn’t have a choice.”  Said Officer Bruce, who did not disclose his last name.  “I hardly have time to watch the series on HBO, and my daughter is still reading the first book.  This bozo from the future wanted to spoil the entire series for my family, and ruin (author) George RR Martin.  I couldn’t let him do that!”

According to eyewitnesses, the traveler’s time machine materialized in the parking lot behind the Bolingbrook Public Library.

According to John, who asked that we not use his last name, the man hopped out of the machine, and demanded to speak with a representative from “Blamer Grate.”  

“I told them that he would have to log onto the Internet to them.  This was weird.  He got mad and asked if the Mannet had been invented.  I asked him what he was talking about, and he said GG, ‘was all about purging women from Cyberspace.’  He said he was from the future, but I think he just read one too many William Gibson novels.

After the time traveler tried unsuccessfully to log on the internet by touching various books, police officers arrived to question him.  The traveler pulled out a plastic book from his backpack, and claimed that it was the eighth book in Martin’s series.  He claimed that Martin’s doctors were able to keep Martin alive long enough to complete the series.  The conclusion of the eighth book, he claimed, was so shocking and upsetting, that it lead to a great revolt which ended with “Blamer Grate” gaining total control over all media.

The traveler hoped that by spoiling the ending of A Song of Ice and Fire, he could bring about the great war sooner, and “purge even more (expletive deleted) off the Internet.”

Not wanting that to happen, Officer Bruce asked if the travel had more copies of the book.  He said yes, they were in his time machine.  When the traveler stepped into the machine, Bruce shot him in the head.  After falling into the machine, its door closed, and the craft vanished.

“The Internet is safe from the ultimate spoiler for at least a few decades!”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Martin denied that the writer planned on writing an eighth book.

“We’re still trying to get him to finish writing The Winds of Winter.  He keeps writing more pages, and the editor keeps telling him the book is already too long.  It’s an epic battle worthy of its own series.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Martin said, “The only social network I need is ISCABBS!  It was the Facebook of the 90s!  It has express messages, forums, customizable clients, and sysops who would actually twitted harassers instead of apologizing for them.  Any other social network is just a flashy imitation!”

Below are alleged spoilers for the eighth book in the series.

Called, The Suns of Summer,  the book seems to conclude with Daenerys Targaryen assuming the Iron Throne.  She has ceded most of her power to the new parliament of Westeros, which is run by Tyrion Lannister.  Stability seems to have finally arrived in Westeros.

In the epilogue, however, ICBMs launched from Ulthos drop nuclear bombs onto the major cities of Westeros, destroying the government, and half the population.  As the survivors try to figure out what happened, President Vox Hugo and his 20th century level technological army invade.

Hugo explains that for years their spy satellites have been observing the events in Westeros for their own entertainment.  Now, however, their entertainment has been ruined by Daenerys’s peace deals and her “army of social justice dragons.”

Hugo promises to return Westeros to a “simpler time, when men were men, women were silent, and politics was kept out of the government.”

Hugo then announced the new king of Westeros.

“He is the most qualified man who will keep us entertained, and will not bore us with subtext or meaningless chatter.”

He points to Hordor, who is now sitting on the new Steel Throne.  Hordor raises his sword and cries out, “Hordor!”  Hugo smiles as he knows that a new age of boobs and blood is at hand.

Also in the Babbler:

Aliens barred from traveling to Baltimore 
Claar plans to meet Bolingbrook voters on Venus
Republican candidates secretly promise to destroy Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/2/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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