Monday, April 20, 2015

Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope

File photo by Mike Peel;
 Jodrell Bank Centre for Astrophysics, University of Manchester
Authorities say four atheists from Ireland were arrested while attempting to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope.

According to authorities, and anonymous eyewitnesses, the four men tired to walk into the control room.  When the guards asked if they had clearance to enter the control room, the men claimed that they were members of Atheist Ireland, and held up a binder with 1000 pages of single spaced text.

“Unless you’ve read every single word of this work, you cannot question our authority to be here, or the mission we have to complete!”  One of the men allegedly said.

Another said they intended to use the radio telescope “to warn every secular being in the universe about blogger PZ Myers, and ask them to join Atheist Ireland in disassociating with him.”  The man then politely asked the guards to leave, or they would be forced to “disassociate them.”

When the guards asked why the disliked Myers, a US based blogger, the men accused PZ of saying mean things about certain religious people, and atheists leaders.  They especially noted the mean things he’s about the leader of Atheist Ireland, Michael Nugent.

“Anyone who dares to question Michael and the other great thought leaders, like Michael Shermer, is a dangerous anarchist who threatens humanity and needs to be shunned!  I mean disassociated!”

When the police arrived, the men threatened to disassociate them.  Instead, police arrested the men, and charged them with attempted hijacking and attempted broadcasting without a license.  Sources within the Greater Manchester Police say they are also looking into charging them with attempted illegal SETI transmission.

One source explained.  “We have to be really careful about the kinds of messages we send out to space.  What we would consider a joke, an alien race might consider to be an act of war.  So we may have stopped these men from committing a crime against humanity!”

A lawyer claims to be representing the men said the matter would be resolved very soon.

“I have called upon the Secular Policy Institute to intervene and free these fine secular men.  Wells Fargo Bank has already faced the scorn of the SPI, and I will unleash them on Greater Manchester if I have to!”

Dave, who claims to be a spokesperson for AI, denied that the men were members of their organization.  He did, however, have some choice words for Myers.

“If it weren’t for PZ Myers’s blog posts, We would have driven the Catholic Church out of Ireland, reunited Ireland with Northern Ireland, and reintroduced snakes back to our country, which is not a small country!”

Myers could not be reached for comment.  The receptionist did say, “PZ brings the University of Minnesota Morris to the attention of the world!  He makes working here so exciting!”

An anonymous spokesperson for SPI also denied any knowledge about the attempted hijacking.  When asked about Myers, he said, “Damnit!  I left the PZ script at my other desk.  Wait a minute.”

In the background, a man could be heard apparently talking over the phone.

“Hello, Chicago Skeptics?  I heard that you’re putting on a Skepticamp in May.  I’m just calling to remind you to send us your speaker list so we can check it against the Disassociate List.  You don’t want the wrong kind of speakers at your even do you?  What?  No?  How dare you call us un-awesome!  What has your group done beside organize one of the largest skepticamps in the world, sponsor monthly speakers, and monthly salons?  The days of secular organizations operation independently are over.  We’re doing to secularism what the Republican establishment did to the Tea Party.  Secularism is now a top down organization and nothing is more pro science than astroturf!  Now shut and do what you’re told!  Hello?”

Also in The Mumbler:

Mumbler poll: SNP take commanding lead over Labor and Tories!
UKIP promises to expel all space aliens from the UK
Virgin Galactic threatens to steal the Moon from the States

Dawkins to offend Twitter on 25/4/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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