Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Time Traveler executed after spoiling the ending of A Song of Ice and Fire

Bolingbrook police executed a time travel from the 22nd century who planned on spoiling the conclusion of A Song of Ice and Fire series.

“We didn’t have a choice.”  Said Officer Bruce, who did not disclose his last name.  “I hardly have time to watch the series on HBO, and my daughter is still reading the first book.  This bozo from the future wanted to spoil the entire series for my family, and ruin (author) George RR Martin.  I couldn’t let him do that!”

According to eyewitnesses, the traveler’s time machine materialized in the parking lot behind the Bolingbrook Public Library.

According to John, who asked that we not use his last name, the man hopped out of the machine, and demanded to speak with a representative from “Blamer Grate.”  

“I told them that he would have to log onto the Internet to them.  This was weird.  He got mad and asked if the Mannet had been invented.  I asked him what he was talking about, and he said GG, ‘was all about purging women from Cyberspace.’  He said he was from the future, but I think he just read one too many William Gibson novels.

After the time traveler tried unsuccessfully to log on the internet by touching various books, police officers arrived to question him.  The traveler pulled out a plastic book from his backpack, and claimed that it was the eighth book in Martin’s series.  He claimed that Martin’s doctors were able to keep Martin alive long enough to complete the series.  The conclusion of the eighth book, he claimed, was so shocking and upsetting, that it lead to a great revolt which ended with “Blamer Grate” gaining total control over all media.

The traveler hoped that by spoiling the ending of A Song of Ice and Fire, he could bring about the great war sooner, and “purge even more (expletive deleted) off the Internet.”

Not wanting that to happen, Officer Bruce asked if the travel had more copies of the book.  He said yes, they were in his time machine.  When the traveler stepped into the machine, Bruce shot him in the head.  After falling into the machine, its door closed, and the craft vanished.

“The Internet is safe from the ultimate spoiler for at least a few decades!”

When reached for comment, a spokesperson for Martin denied that the writer planned on writing an eighth book.

“We’re still trying to get him to finish writing The Winds of Winter.  He keeps writing more pages, and the editor keeps telling him the book is already too long.  It’s an epic battle worthy of its own series.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Martin said, “The only social network I need is ISCABBS!  It was the Facebook of the 90s!  It has express messages, forums, customizable clients, and sysops who would actually twitted harassers instead of apologizing for them.  Any other social network is just a flashy imitation!”

Below are alleged spoilers for the eighth book in the series.

Monday, April 20, 2015

Manchester Mumbler: Irish atheists accused of trying to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope

File photo by Mike Peel;
 Jodrell Bank Centre for Astrophysics, University of Manchester
Authorities say four atheists from Ireland were arrested while attempting to hijack the Lovell Radio Telescope.

According to authorities, and anonymous eyewitnesses, the four men tired to walk into the control room.  When the guards asked if they had clearance to enter the control room, the men claimed that they were members of Atheist Ireland, and held up a binder with 1000 pages of single spaced text.

“Unless you’ve read every single word of this work, you cannot question our authority to be here, or the mission we have to complete!”  One of the men allegedly said.

Another said they intended to use the radio telescope “to warn every secular being in the universe about blogger PZ Myers, and ask them to join Atheist Ireland in disassociating with him.”  The man then politely asked the guards to leave, or they would be forced to “disassociate them.”

When the guards asked why the disliked Myers, a US based blogger, the men accused PZ of saying mean things about certain religious people, and atheists leaders.  They especially noted the mean things he’s about the leader of Atheist Ireland, Michael Nugent.

“Anyone who dares to question Michael and the other great thought leaders, like Michael Shermer, is a dangerous anarchist who threatens humanity and needs to be shunned!  I mean disassociated!”

When the police arrived, the men threatened to disassociate them.  Instead, police arrested the men, and charged them with attempted hijacking and attempted broadcasting without a license.  Sources within the Greater Manchester Police say they are also looking into charging them with attempted illegal SETI transmission.

One source explained.  “We have to be really careful about the kinds of messages we send out to space.  What we would consider a joke, an alien race might consider to be an act of war.  So we may have stopped these men from committing a crime against humanity!”

A lawyer claims to be representing the men said the matter would be resolved very soon.

“I have called upon the Secular Policy Institute to intervene and free these fine secular men.  Wells Fargo Bank has already faced the scorn of the SPI, and I will unleash them on Greater Manchester if I have to!”

Dave, who claims to be a spokesperson for AI, denied that the men were members of their organization.  He did, however, have some choice words for Myers.

“If it weren’t for PZ Myers’s blog posts, We would have driven the Catholic Church out of Ireland, reunited Ireland with Northern Ireland, and reintroduced snakes back to our country, which is not a small country!”

Myers could not be reached for comment.  The receptionist did say, “PZ brings the University of Minnesota Morris to the attention of the world!  He makes working here so exciting!”

An anonymous spokesperson for SPI also denied any knowledge about the attempted hijacking.  When asked about Myers, he said, “Damnit!  I left the PZ script at my other desk.  Wait a minute.”

In the background, a man could be heard apparently talking over the phone.

“Hello, Chicago Skeptics?  I heard that you’re putting on a Skepticamp in May.  I’m just calling to remind you to send us your speaker list so we can check it against the Disassociate List.  You don’t want the wrong kind of speakers at your even do you?  What?  No?  How dare you call us un-awesome!  What has your group done beside organize one of the largest skepticamps in the world, sponsor monthly speakers, and monthly salons?  The days of secular organizations operation independently are over.  We’re doing to secularism what the Republican establishment did to the Tea Party.  Secularism is now a top down organization and nothing is more pro science than astroturf!  Now shut and do what you’re told!  Hello?”

Also in The Mumbler:

Mumbler poll: SNP take commanding lead over Labor and Tories!
UKIP promises to expel all space aliens from the UK
Virgin Galactic threatens to steal the Moon from the States

Dawkins to offend Twitter on 25/4/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, April 13, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Hub 35 UFO Base recovers from 4/9/15 Tornado strike

By Reporter Y

Hub 35 UFO Base sustained minimal damage from a EF4 tornado that struck the Rochelle area on April 9, 2015.

Said Administrator Blake, “This is why most of Hub 35 was built underground.  My superiors wanted us to install weather control machines, but they’re still unreliable.  Last week, we proved that the best and cheapest place to survive a tornado is underground.”

After the storm, many volunteered to help with the clean up the grounds onto of Hub 35

“Most of the debris came from other people’s homes.”  Said Gol, a visitor from Alpha Centauri.  “It makes me appreciate the damage wind can cause, even on a small planet like Earth.  I was safe, but not everyone outside was.

Obgo, a visitor from Kapteyn, says his craft “surfed” the tornado during the storm.

“Our batteries were kind of low, and we wanted to save some money.  So when we detected the tornado, we decided to syphon off some of it’s energy.  Plus, I’ll be honest, is fun to surf a tornado, especially when you turn off the stabilizers, and enjoy the bumps and spins.  However, I felt guilty when I realized that two people died from the storm.  We should have done more to help.  I think from now on I will stick to surfing Jupiter’s Great Red Spot.  No one dies, unless you run out of fuel.”

Though aliens staying at Hub 35 are currently forbidden from interacting with Rochelle residents, Bogo, another visitor from Kapteyn, confessed to sneaking off base to help with the clean efforts.

“My friends and I use to visit Grubsteakers restaurant every weekend.  Now the place is totally destroyed.  Their food brought me so much joy, the least I could do was help them clean up.  I wish your government would let me use my nanobots to fix the building, but your New World Order won't let me.”

Obgo also admitted to trying to comfort a Rochelle family who lost their home to the storm.

“At night time, I put on my glowing space suit and floated over to their hotel window.  When the male came to the door, I told him that I was an angel, and that they should not despair, for the old bearded man in the sky had spared them so they could witness the birth of their savior who lead them to a place of free milk and free honey.  He seemed happy, and I thought I was helping.  I later learned from the Men in Black that the family was sad because they thought an angel had told them that Jesus wasn’t their savior, and they would have to convert to Judaism.  This would mean losing their Christian friends and having to drive to Rockford on Friday nights to attend services.  I only wanted to help, but now I understand that it is best not to meddle in human affairs.”

Blake said that all aliens, and humans, who want to help Rochelle recover from the tornado should visit the Rochelle municipal web page for more information.

Also in The Reader:

Rochelle resident says bullets ineffective against tornados
Image of Ayn Rand appears in Tornado debris
Ghosts assist with cleanup efforts

God blesses the survivors of the tornado

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Exclusive: Art Bell Party contests 2015 Bolingbrook Village Board election

Did space aliens secure the FPB's 2015 victory?
Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party is contesting the 2015 Village Board election, claiming that space aliens illegally influenced the final result.

“There is no way we only got 3 votes!”  Said Michael Faith, spokesperson for the Art Bell Party.  “Even the Skepchick Party got 9 votes!  A skeptic would say that our candidates only voted for themselves, and not the other party members.  We say it’s more likely aliens used mind control rays on our candidates.”

Faith also claims that Art Bell Party observers witnessed at least 5 disguised space aliens attempting to vote. 

Said one anonymous observer, “I asked a woman if she knew who Art Bell is.  She gave this very odd laugh and said she didn’t know.  Only a fake American wouldn’t know who Art Bell is, space aliens are a kind of fake American!”

The Art Bell Party filed the complaint shortly after incumbents Leroy Brown, Rick Morales, and Patricia Schanks were declared the unofficial winners of the 2015 board election.  Experts consulted by The Babbler doubt the complaint will be successful.

“Will County government is under the control of shape-shifting reptoids, and they will reject any election challenge that might expose them.”  Said Bob, a Bolingbrook resident with a PhD ABD in UFOlogy.  “This shows that Roger will do anything to get his candidates elected!”

The incumbents refused to be interviewed.  The First Party for Bolingbrook e-mailed a statement say that their candidates will continue the party’s tradition of abstaining from interviews.

“We prefer to address the public directly through political advertising and Roger’s letter to every citizen of Bolingbrook.  Bolingbrook residents are only interested in voting for us, not reading sensationalized stories only designed to sell newspapers.”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar, leader of the First Party for Bolingbrook, said Claar refuses to speak to any reporters until incumbents are sworn in for another term.

“It is bad luck!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Bob.  You may be for Bolingbrook, but I am Bolingbrook! Never underestimate the power of my campaign fund!”

Faith is asking all “freedom loving Bolingbrook residents” to pray for the party to succeed in its challenge.

“Bolingbrook isn’t free as long as aliens can influence our elections!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, April 3, 2015

Bolingbrook’s political parties speak out: A Decision 2015 Special Report

On Tuesday, April 7th.  Bolingbrook’s residents will select three people to each serve a four year term on the Village Board.  The Babbler asked all of Bolingbrook’s political parties, and independent candidates to submit a brief statement.  To our surprise, we received replies representing all the candidates on the ballot, The First Party for Bolingbrook (Leroy Brown, Patricia Schanks and Rick Morales) and Robert Jaskiewicz.  We also received responses from two write-in parties, The Roger Claar Party, and The Skepchick Party.

“Bob for Bolingbrook”

Note: This was sent to us by a member of Jaskiewicz’s campaign, who asked to remain anonymous.

As most Babbler readers know, there are many unbelievable things in Bolingbrook, like the three First Party for Bolingbrook trustee candidates.

They’ve served at least 12 years on the board, and all they have to show for it are a list of committees they’ve served on and awards they’ve received from politically connected organizations.  What have they actually done?  They claim Leroy Brown created 5,687 jobs in Bolingbrook.  How?  They claim that Patricia Schanks and Rick Morales have years of experience.  Doing what?  Rubber stamping Mayor Roger Claar’s directives?

Robert Jaskiewicz is a true community leader who has served on the Bolingbrook Chamber of Commerce board of directors, The Adventist Hospital board of directors, and the Bolingbrook Police Pension Board.  He’s made sure that the organizations are run fairly, efficiently, and honestly.  He doesn’t believe in sweetheart deals, or profiting off the work of others.

If believe a village trustee should have those qualities, then there’s only one candidate you should vote for.  Bob is for Bolingbrook, and Bolingbrook should be for Bob!

The Roger Claar Party
“A Great Mayor deserves a great party”

Note:  The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.

There is a Bob out there.  Some say he’s not like the other Bob that opposed the Great Mayor Roger Claar.  Other’s aren’t sure.  

Some say that it’s worth risking Bolingbrook’s future because they don’t like a few of Roger’s many difficult decisions.  Some say we should trust Bob, just like Bolingbrook should have trusted that other Bob.

That other Bob is gone, and his organization is in ruins and its only financial supporter is in jail.  Imagine what he could have done to Bolingbrook?

Do you want to take a chance with another Bob?

We say no.  We say stay the course, and support Mayor Roger Claar!  We are the only party that fully supports Roger, and the future he represents!

The so called “First Party for Bolingbrook” can’t say that.  Their candidates are hiding from shadow of Bob.  When Roger need surgery, did any of them offer to donate blood or their organs to them?  No.  We would have, but only a restraining order kept us from asking him in person!

On April 7, vote for the only party that would make the ultimate sacrifice for Roger, because he is still the future of Bolingbrook!

Dave Nelson
Chairman of The Roger Claar Party

The Skepchick Party
“The Awesome people of Bolingbrook deserve an awesome party”

Note:  This party is not affiliated with nor funded by the Skepchick network. None of the Skepchick bloggers contacted by The Babbler endorsed this party.

Last month, we went to ChiFi, and it was awesome!  We met Rebecca Watson and the other Skepchicks, and they were awesome!  We left the convention feeling awesome!  Now we want to bring the awesome to the Bolingbrook Village Board!

We think Mayor Claar means well, but there is more to running the government than being nice to businesses.  A village board should also look out for the well being of its residents, and that’s where we can help.

Here is our platform for a better Bolingbrook:

  1. Woo Free Village Events  People want to enjoy the Village Picnic without some chiropractor, homeopath, or alternative medicine guru forcing nonsense on them.  If elected, we will insist that only science based health providers be allowed at village events.  Misinformation has no place at village events!
  2. Religious Neutrality:  Sure “Religious Liberty” sounds nice, until your life is threatened because a doctor won’t treat you for a religious reason, or you can’t eat at one of our fine restaurants because the owner says he only serves believers in The Flying Spaghetti Monster.  If elected to the board, we will make sure that the village serves and protects all residents, and that religious selfishness has no place here.
  3. Support for all genders: Unlike The First Party for Bolingbrook, we understand that there are more than two genders.  If elected, we will make sure that all genders feel welcome when dealing with the village.  All village facilities will have gender neutral bathrooms!  All village forms will list more gender options, and all village employees will politely ask for your preferred pronouns.  We firmly believe that greater diversity will lead to a greater Bolingbrook!
  4. A campaign fund that’s only used for campaigning!  A quick glance at Roger’s campaign fund expenditures shows that he has a very liberal definition of what a “campaign expenditure” is.  Out of state hotel bills?  Gas for his car?  Donations to charities and other political campaigns?  We believe that a campaign fund should only be used for your campaign, and not as supplemental income.  If elected, any additional donations beyond what we need will be returned to the donors.  Instead we will ask them to donate to worthy causes, like Rebecca Watson’s Patreon page, Surly Amy’s Patreon page, or Foundation Beyond Belief. We don’t want the appearance that we’re being influenced by campaign donors!  

Why are we running candidates for village trustee?  Because you’re awesome, and you deserve to be represented by an awesome party!

Coordinator for The Skepchick Party

Vote for all three of our candidates!

Note: This was submitted by a party member who asked to remain anonymous.

We are the only political party in Bolingbrook endorsed by Mayor Roger Claar, funded by Roger and running candidates approved by Roger!

*Drops the mike*

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.