Sources say Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is blaming UFOs for forcing him into a runoff election.
“I saw (expletive deleted) lights in the sky the night before the election.” A source claims Emanuel said. “The next day I only got 45% of the vote. It’s no (expletive deleted) coincidence.”
Emanuel, according to the sources, is consulting with Ufologists to prevent future tampering, and, at the same time, is using his own interstellar connections to ‘enlighten’ Chicago voters.
“Rahm feels like the universe has pulled down his pants.” Said one source, who always wanted to be quoted as an anonymous source for The Babbler. “So if can’t win, he’ll make every interstellar civilization pay for embarrassing him!”
Other sources say Emanuel is blaming Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the aliens’ interference in Chicago’s election.
According to a source, many in Bolingbrook’s covert government departments feel that the proposed George Lucas museum is a cover for an illegal UFO base. Bolingbrook officials suspect that once the museum is completed, the UFO traffic will be so heavy that the New World order will have no choice but to accept the base.
“This will put Clow UFO Base out of business!” Said the source. “So obviously Roger is playing hardball to protect his base, and his village’s economy.”
More sources claim that Emanuel sent an “obscene” letter to Claar accusing him of using alien technology to rig the election.
“Keep your (expletive deleted) aliens out of my (expletive deleted) city or I will turn your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) village into a village of the damned and I will make sure that G_d damns your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) too!”
Claar allegedly responded by sending Emanuel a thesaurus.
When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “I don’t need to blame your (expletive deleted) fake (expletive deleted) aliens. The simple fact is the residents of Chicago (expletive deleted) up because it was too cold on election day. I’m confident that in April, they’ll clean up the (expletive deleted) they created.”
A spokesperson for the Jesus “Chuy” Garcia campaign simply replied, “We believe that a Chuy victory will show the universe that intelligent life exists in Chicago!”
When reached for comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was in the middle of a phone call with Governor Bruce Rauner, and could not be disturbed.
In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said. “You want to use the shock doctrine on Illinois? Fine! Just leave my village out of it!”
Also in The Babbler:
Satanic dating app tested in Bolingbrook
Opinion: American Atheists are clueless about basic politics
Skepchick Party promises not to purge Bolingbrook of men or creationists if elected
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/6/15