Thursday, March 26, 2015

Web Exclusive! Hundreds of alien refugees flee Indiana into Illinois

Fearing possible persecution, hundreds of aliens fled Indiana’s UFO bases after Governor Mike Pence signed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act. 

Both of Illinois major UFO bases, Clow UFO Base in Bolingbrook and Hub 35 in Rochelle, are experiencing record breaking influx of visitors, many of whom left Indiana with only their space suit and a few days of supplies.

Thomas Xavier, the New World Order’s overseer for Illinois’s UFO bases, expressed confidence that both bases could handle the sudden arrival of refugees.

“Illinois was built by immigrants, and we know how to handle immigrants.  Indiana’s misfortune is Illinois’s gain.”

While supporters of the law say it will prevent local governments from creating an undue burden on religious believers, critics and aliens claim the law will allow discrimination if it can be backed up by religious belief.

Despite reassurances by officials in Indiana’s Stellar Outreach department, many aliens, like Pochku, choose to flee.

“I am a lesbian demisexual solo polyamorous space alien.  Do you think any Earth religion is going to tolerate me?  You religions can’t even handle mixed fabric.  Now its considered an undue burden to prevent a religious person from discriminating against me, or worse, killing me.  Indiana is a horrible state of mind!”

Loadock, a former resident of Heltonville UFO Base, claims that a local resident shot at the base, minutes after the bill was signed.

“The human was immediately approached by the local police.  He just smiled and held up his Bible.  He said that the Bible tells him that aliens are demons, and his religious beliefs require him to shoot at us.  Arresting him would place an undue burden on his religious beliefs.  The police let him go.  How bluegoo is that?”

Loadock claims that once the alien visitors were informed of the incident, they panicked.

“Most had their own ships, but several of us were stuck without a craft.  We couldn’t take a chance by waiting.”  

The aliens without a UFO, according to Loadock, tried to either bribe, fight or sneak onto a departing craft.

“I will never forget the sight of dozens of beings falling to their deaths as a spacecraft rose into the air.  I hope Indiana chokes on its religious freedom!”

Xavier insisted that the panic is unnecessary.

“All UFO bases are considered interstellar territory.  They are immune from state and national laws.  All New World Order bases are discrimination free zones, and, with the exception of Area 51, seek to provide a safe space for all visitors!”

Sarah, a spokesperson for Americans United for the Separation of Church and State, expressed sympathy for the aliens plight.  “Religious freedom does not mean the freedom to discriminate.  These laws need to be stopped, or else the United States will lose universal knowledge because of fundamentalism!  Americans United is dedicated to stopping both religious and atheist extremists from abusing the power of government to impose their beliefs on others!  Don’t tell Chris Stedman I talked to you guys!”

Dave, a spokesperson for God’s Indiana, is glad aliens are leaving Indiana.

“They don’t belong here.  The Bible states in plain English that any one not from this Earth is either a devil or angel.  Anyone connected to the New World Order is a devil, and we must smite them.  The government has the burden of proving us wrong!”

Indiana officials could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 9, 2015

See you on April 13th!

From the Editor:

Our staff will be taking a break from updating our web page until April 13, so we can devote more time to our special project.  We promise to be back then, and no, we haven't been taken over by aliens!  Instead, we hope to unveil our surprise before the end of the year!

Sara Langston
Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Chicago mayor blames UFOs for forcing runoff election

Sources say Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel is blaming UFOs for forcing him into a runoff election.

“I saw (expletive deleted) lights in the sky the night before the election.”  A source claims Emanuel said.  “The next day I only got 45% of the vote.  It’s no (expletive deleted) coincidence.”

Emanuel, according to the sources, is consulting with Ufologists  to prevent future tampering, and, at the same time, is using his own interstellar connections to ‘enlighten’ Chicago voters.

“Rahm feels like the universe has pulled down his pants.”  Said one source, who always wanted to be quoted as an anonymous source for The Babbler.  “So if can’t win, he’ll make every interstellar civilization pay for embarrassing him!”

Other sources say Emanuel is blaming Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar for the aliens’ interference in Chicago’s election.

According to a source, many in Bolingbrook’s covert government departments feel that the proposed George Lucas museum is a cover for an illegal UFO base.  Bolingbrook officials suspect that once the museum is completed, the UFO traffic will be so heavy that the New World order will have no choice but to accept the base.

“This will put Clow UFO Base out of business!”  Said the source.  “So obviously Roger is playing hardball to protect his base, and his village’s economy.”

More sources claim that Emanuel sent an “obscene” letter to Claar accusing him of using alien technology to rig the election.

“Keep your (expletive deleted) aliens out of my (expletive deleted) city or I will turn your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) village into a village of the damned and I will make sure that G_d damns your (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted) too!”

Claar allegedly responded by sending Emanuel a thesaurus.

When asked to comment, Emanuel replied, “I don’t need to blame your (expletive deleted) fake (expletive deleted)  aliens.  The simple fact is the residents of Chicago (expletive deleted) up because it was too cold on election day.  I’m confident that in April, they’ll clean up the (expletive deleted) they created.”

A spokesperson for the Jesus “Chuy” Garcia campaign simply replied, “We believe that a Chuy victory will show the universe that intelligent life exists in Chicago!”

When reached for comment, Claar’s receptionist said he was in the middle of a phone call with Governor Bruce Rauner, and could not be disturbed.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said.  “You want to use the shock doctrine on Illinois?  Fine!  Just leave my village out of it!”

Also in The Babbler:

Satanic dating app tested in Bolingbrook
Opinion: American Atheists are clueless about basic politics
Skepchick Party promises not to purge Bolingbrook of men or creationists if elected

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.