Monday, February 9, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Aliens colonize Creston

By Reporter Y

Approximately 100 space aliens moved into Creston, IL last week as part of the phased opening of Hub 35 UFO Base.  The aliens will live in cloaked houses on the Northeast side of the village, and will commute to Hub 35 by riding in buses disguised as trucks hauling grain containers.

Claude X. Packersonn, director of Hub 35, praised the village at an interstellar press conference for housing the aliens, thank the village government for their efforts to cover up the move.

“Creston is the ideal village to introduce our visitors to humanity.”  He said.  “The residents are nice.  It’s just the right size, and if there’s an incident, we can easily blow it up without anyone noticing.”  Packersonn smiled, and then said.  “I’m joking.  If there are any incidents here, we can easily contain them without any residents or the rest of the world noticing.”

Despite the village government’s best efforts, many residents reported encountering disguised aliens wondering through out the town.

Don, who claims to work at Huber Feed, LLC, claim an alien visited them.

“This very pale man was standing under one of our chutes.  When he saw me, he yelled, ‘I can’t wait to try to your buffet!  Fill me up!’  He looked up at the chute and then opened his mouth really huge.  Like his jaw was several feet long.  He thought we were going feed him.  He looked small, but I’m sure he could have wiped out our stores with metabolism.  Somehow, I found the courage to tell him to go to Smoking Harry’s instead.  I hope he didn’t eat them out of business.”

Lance, who claims to work at Headon’s, a meat market, says he saw two disguised aliens in his store.  One of them bought steaks.

“Then the guy looked at his friend and said, ‘Look!  They sell pre-sliced biological samples here!’  His friend slapped him.  Then his friend said, ‘You fool!  Don’t you remember the video transmissions we watched before arriving here.  Go back to the big box!’  His friend took the bag and watched him leave.  Here’s the good part.  The friend looked at me and said, ‘Please excuse my blagmate.  He meant no disrespect.  I promise, when we get home, that we will gladly apply your product directly to our foreheads!’  Then he pulled out one of the steaks and started rubbing it on his forehead.”

Not all aliens are adjusting to life in Creston.  A resident, who asked to be identified as Paul, saw what he believed to be a distressed alien.

“It was standing on the edge of town and it looked like it was pounding on the air.  Maybe there’s a forcefield that only affect alines surrounding us.  Anyway, he yelled, ‘This place is too small!  My spaceship has closets bigger than this!  Give me more room!’  I knew better than to ask what was going on.”

Packersonn acknowledged that some aliens would have problems adjusting, but thinks the local businesses will help them feel welcome.

“We’re working out the final details, but all the local businesses should have special alien only hours soon.  We were hoping some would stay open until 10 PM, but we might have to settle for 6 PM instead.  Who came up with the idea for a 5 PM curfew?”

When told there wasn’t a curfew, he exclaimed, “Then why does this town shutdown after 5 PM?”

Also in The Rochelle Reader:

Left Shark blames time distortion field for Super Bowl mess up
City Clerk: Aliens cannot run for office in Rochelle!
Soviets blamed for crippling snow storm

God to bless Rochelle on 2/13/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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