Monday, February 23, 2015

Dan Savage savaged by aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

What started as a question and answer session with sex expert Dan Savage at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base quickly turned into a near riot.  No arrests were made, but the session was cut short and Men in Blue escorted Savage to safety.

“You’re all a bunch of little green men!”  Savage shouted as he was leaving.

“That’s an insult towards aliens!” An anonymous alien replied.

“Boo hoo!”  Savage sarcastically snapped back.  “Are you going to file a complaint about how I hurt your feelings?”

“No!”  The alien replied.  “We’d rather you rinse your mouth out with santorum!”  

Savage tried to lunge at the alien, but he was restrained by MiBs and removed from the room.

Though warmly greeted at the start of session, Savage’s problem started when three beings from the Scholz star system approached a microphone to start the questions.  They described themselves as a “triple.”  One described himself as male, and the other as female.  The third, Dazgoo, described itself as a “zulblu.”  

“What is a zulblu?”  Asked Savage.

“That’s my gender.”  Dazgoo proudly replied.

“I suppose you have you have preferred pro-nouns you’ll ask me to use.”  Savage countered.

“Um.  The proper pronouns for zulblu are zu, blu, goo, and zal.”

“No!”  Shouted Savage.  “I’m not using those words, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to add a “z” to the gay movement!  John Aravosis is right.  We already have too many letters in our movement!  Unless you’re an alien—”

“Yes, I am from another solar system.”  Dazgoo happily replied.  The crowd muttered in agreement.

“I suppose you also claim to be asexual.”

Dazgoo shook his head, but another alien yelled, “I can reproduce asexually!”

Savage growled, then said, “Look!  There are four things that are undeniably true.  There’s no such thing as bisexuals.  There’s no such thing as asexuals.  There are only two genders, and there’s no such thing as space aliens.”

At that point, the session turned into a shouting match.

Dazgoo expressed blu disappointment.

“We just wanted his advice on buying a bed for a sexually active human couple we know.  He didn’t have to be so nasty towards us.  If he had given me a chance to explain, I could have told him that zulblu are a biological sex as well as a gender.  Among my species, the zulblu are the ones who carry babies to term.  Males and females just deposit their reproductive cells inside of us.”

A spokesperson for Clow UFO Base explained that this was a simple misunderstanding.  Savage, he explained, sincerely believed that he was actually at a LGBT science fiction conviction.  He also assumed that the aliens visitors were really humans in costume.

“He didn’t mean to be offensive.”  Said the spokesperson.  “Therefore he wasn’t offensive.  We hope our guests will understand this bit of human logic.”

The spokesperson added that Savage’s memory of the session was erased, and he now has no knowledge about the presence of interstellar aliens on Earth.

When reached for comment, Savage denied any knowledge about space aliens, and also denied that he had ever spoken in Bolingbrook.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have the Internet redefine your publication as a piece of (expletive deleted!)”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to raise UFO tax
Adventist hospital revives Bolingbrook man frozen for one month
Soviets vow to turn Chicago into ‘Sibera West’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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