Monday, February 23, 2015

Dan Savage savaged by aliens at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

What started as a question and answer session with sex expert Dan Savage at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base quickly turned into a near riot.  No arrests were made, but the session was cut short and Men in Blue escorted Savage to safety.

“You’re all a bunch of little green men!”  Savage shouted as he was leaving.

“That’s an insult towards aliens!” An anonymous alien replied.

“Boo hoo!”  Savage sarcastically snapped back.  “Are you going to file a complaint about how I hurt your feelings?”

“No!”  The alien replied.  “We’d rather you rinse your mouth out with santorum!”  

Savage tried to lunge at the alien, but he was restrained by MiBs and removed from the room.

Though warmly greeted at the start of session, Savage’s problem started when three beings from the Scholz star system approached a microphone to start the questions.  They described themselves as a “triple.”  One described himself as male, and the other as female.  The third, Dazgoo, described itself as a “zulblu.”  

“What is a zulblu?”  Asked Savage.

“That’s my gender.”  Dazgoo proudly replied.

“I suppose you have you have preferred pro-nouns you’ll ask me to use.”  Savage countered.

“Um.  The proper pronouns for zulblu are zu, blu, goo, and zal.”

“No!”  Shouted Savage.  “I’m not using those words, and I’ll be damned if we’re going to add a “z” to the gay movement!  John Aravosis is right.  We already have too many letters in our movement!  Unless you’re an alien—”

“Yes, I am from another solar system.”  Dazgoo happily replied.  The crowd muttered in agreement.

“I suppose you also claim to be asexual.”

Dazgoo shook his head, but another alien yelled, “I can reproduce asexually!”

Savage growled, then said, “Look!  There are four things that are undeniably true.  There’s no such thing as bisexuals.  There’s no such thing as asexuals.  There are only two genders, and there’s no such thing as space aliens.”

At that point, the session turned into a shouting match.

Dazgoo expressed blu disappointment.

“We just wanted his advice on buying a bed for a sexually active human couple we know.  He didn’t have to be so nasty towards us.  If he had given me a chance to explain, I could have told him that zulblu are a biological sex as well as a gender.  Among my species, the zulblu are the ones who carry babies to term.  Males and females just deposit their reproductive cells inside of us.”

A spokesperson for Clow UFO Base explained that this was a simple misunderstanding.  Savage, he explained, sincerely believed that he was actually at a LGBT science fiction conviction.  He also assumed that the aliens visitors were really humans in costume.

“He didn’t mean to be offensive.”  Said the spokesperson.  “Therefore he wasn’t offensive.  We hope our guests will understand this bit of human logic.”

The spokesperson added that Savage’s memory of the session was erased, and he now has no knowledge about the presence of interstellar aliens on Earth.

When reached for comment, Savage denied any knowledge about space aliens, and also denied that he had ever spoken in Bolingbrook.

“If you don’t leave me alone, I’ll have the Internet redefine your publication as a piece of (expletive deleted!)”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar to raise UFO tax
Adventist hospital revives Bolingbrook man frozen for one month
Soviets vow to turn Chicago into ‘Sibera West’
God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/1/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 16, 2015

Mr. Washington detained outside of Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base security confirmed that they had detained a man known formerly known on the Internet as Mr. Washington.  They accused him of attempting to break into Bolingbrook’s UFO base and meet with its alien visitors.

Said an anonymous source, “He was trying to find one of the hidden entrances to the base, and obviously had no idea where to look.  It was obvious he wasn’t going to leave the airport area until he found an entrance to the base.  So we had our plain clothed officers take him in.  Fortunately he cooperated, otherwise we’d have to send in the Men in Blue to deal with him.”

According to other sources, Washington he was desperate to find some way to restart The Watch Dogs of Bolingbrook, a group that from 2009 until 2013, sought to remove Mayor Roger Claar from office.  Despite poor showings in the 2009 and 2011 elections, and not running candidates in 2013, Washington insisted that the group still has thousands of supporters.

“Our blog still gets hits!” He said, according to sources.  “Every time I look at the blog, the hit counter goes up!”

He told security officials that the only reason the group folded due to Claar “forming an alliance with the Mob, The New World Order, and Anonymous.”  He blames this alliance for framing George D. Smith for attempted child abduction and covering up his military record.

“George is the greatest military mind ever!  If it weren’t for Roger, he would be defeating ISIS and Russia!”  Washington allegedly said.

Washington then explained he has spent the past two years trying to get “Inter Poll” to arrest Claar for “crimes agains humanity in his administration of Bolingbrook.”  He finally gave up, and wanted to ask Bolingbrook’s alien visitors to assist him.  According to the sources, Washington wanted the aliens bring Watch Dogs leader Bonnie Kurowski-Alicea back to Bolingbrook and protect her from “Roger’s evil minions.”  Specifically, he wanted them to transport the Florida subdivision she lives in to Bolingbrook.  Then he wanted them to “rescue” Smith and secure him in the subdivision.  Once both were established as residents Bolingbrook again, he said, “the residents will rise up and overthrow Roger.  This time I mean it!”

When security officials asked what would happen to the other residents of the subdivision, he said they would gladly support her because the aliens would leave the board members of the homeowners association back in Florida.

Washington was released after three hours, and warned not to search for Clow UFO Base again.

Washington and Smith could not be reached for comment.  

A person who claimed to be a spokesperson for Kurowski-Alicea sent an e-mail, which partly read, “Wherever Bonnie goes, she always manages to uncover corruption.  We don’t care what the Facebook page of Verde Ridge HOA saysBonnie’s current blog reveals the truth!  Today she will bring justice to a homeowners association.  Tomorrow, she will bring justice to Florida.  After that, she will bring justice to the United State (sic) and bring Roger to justice!  She has only begun to fight!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook residents pray for East Coast residents affected by Soviet Snow Attack
Visitors from Pluto flock Bolingbrook to enjoy ‘warm’ temperatures 
Ghosts blamed from Kennedy 40 car accident

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/20/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Aliens colonize Creston

By Reporter Y

Approximately 100 space aliens moved into Creston, IL last week as part of the phased opening of Hub 35 UFO Base.  The aliens will live in cloaked houses on the Northeast side of the village, and will commute to Hub 35 by riding in buses disguised as trucks hauling grain containers.

Claude X. Packersonn, director of Hub 35, praised the village at an interstellar press conference for housing the aliens, thank the village government for their efforts to cover up the move.

“Creston is the ideal village to introduce our visitors to humanity.”  He said.  “The residents are nice.  It’s just the right size, and if there’s an incident, we can easily blow it up without anyone noticing.”  Packersonn smiled, and then said.  “I’m joking.  If there are any incidents here, we can easily contain them without any residents or the rest of the world noticing.”

Despite the village government’s best efforts, many residents reported encountering disguised aliens wondering through out the town.

Don, who claims to work at Huber Feed, LLC, claim an alien visited them.

“This very pale man was standing under one of our chutes.  When he saw me, he yelled, ‘I can’t wait to try to your buffet!  Fill me up!’  He looked up at the chute and then opened his mouth really huge.  Like his jaw was several feet long.  He thought we were going feed him.  He looked small, but I’m sure he could have wiped out our stores with metabolism.  Somehow, I found the courage to tell him to go to Smoking Harry’s instead.  I hope he didn’t eat them out of business.”

Lance, who claims to work at Headon’s, a meat market, says he saw two disguised aliens in his store.  One of them bought steaks.

“Then the guy looked at his friend and said, ‘Look!  They sell pre-sliced biological samples here!’  His friend slapped him.  Then his friend said, ‘You fool!  Don’t you remember the video transmissions we watched before arriving here.  Go back to the big box!’  His friend took the bag and watched him leave.  Here’s the good part.  The friend looked at me and said, ‘Please excuse my blagmate.  He meant no disrespect.  I promise, when we get home, that we will gladly apply your product directly to our foreheads!’  Then he pulled out one of the steaks and started rubbing it on his forehead.”

Not all aliens are adjusting to life in Creston.  A resident, who asked to be identified as Paul, saw what he believed to be a distressed alien.

“It was standing on the edge of town and it looked like it was pounding on the air.  Maybe there’s a forcefield that only affect alines surrounding us.  Anyway, he yelled, ‘This place is too small!  My spaceship has closets bigger than this!  Give me more room!’  I knew better than to ask what was going on.”

Packersonn acknowledged that some aliens would have problems adjusting, but thinks the local businesses will help them feel welcome.

“We’re working out the final details, but all the local businesses should have special alien only hours soon.  We were hoping some would stay open until 10 PM, but we might have to settle for 6 PM instead.  Who came up with the idea for a 5 PM curfew?”

When told there wasn’t a curfew, he exclaimed, “Then why does this town shutdown after 5 PM?”

Also in The Rochelle Reader:

Left Shark blames time distortion field for Super Bowl mess up
City Clerk: Aliens cannot run for office in Rochelle!
Soviets blamed for crippling snow storm

God to bless Rochelle on 2/13/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Four anti-vaccination terrorists arrested at Clow UFO Base

By Reporter X

Clow UFO Base security personnel arrested four alleged members of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KukPu’K.  Two of the detainees were carrying vials of the measles virus.  

Donald X. Paulson, Clow UFO Base’s representative to the New World Order, stressed that the Bolingbrook was never in danger during the arrest.

“Once we received credible information that these terrorists were on board a craft bound for Clow, we directed that craft to a sealed medical emergency hanger.  Every human operative sent in to the craft was vaccinated.  The terrorists were stunned before they could unleash any biological agents.  We are also sterilizing the entire craft.  The passengers and crew are in isolation until we are absolutely certain they are not infectious.”

According to anonymous sources within Clow and the New World Order, the terrorists planned on spreading anti-vaccination propaganda in Bolingbrook.  Once Bolingbrook’s residents lost herd immunity, the terrorists would then unleash the measles virus, potentially killing many residents.

KuKPu’K is a terrorist organization that attacks civilizations by convincing their citizens not to vaccinate themselves, and then releasing deadly viruses that have vaccines.  Experts believe that KuKPu’K has destroyed 20 civilizations with this tactic.

The narrator of one of KuKPu’K’s holovidoes justifies these attacks by stating, “we are not anti-vaccine.  Just anti-stupidity.  Any civilization whose members refuse to get vaccinated deserves to die!”

Paulson blamed the United States’s current measles epidemic on a KuKPu’K’s operative releasing the virus at Disneyland.  He added that KuKPu’K is trying to establish more foothold in an effort to destroy the United States.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar urged all residents to get vaccinated, “because it is the right thing to do.”

He added, “Vaccines don’t cause autism.  They don’t turn you into slaves, and they don’t contain toxins.  This is not a partisan issue.  I have to deal with Republicans like Donald Trump, who embarrass our party whenever he tweets!  So I say, Left or Right, get vaccinated, now!”

Paulson added, that any human caught working with KuKPu’K will be framed for a crime against humanity.

KuKPu’K representatives could not be reached for comment.

A pro-vaccination activist, who asked not to be identified, told this reporter, “Oh my God!  You won’t persuade people to support vaccination by making up stories about alien terrorists.  You should follow the advice in this link!”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to destroy Bolingbrook with blizzard attack
UFO disappears of the Lisle Square
Gov. Rauner denies plan to sell union members to aliens

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/6/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.