Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Web Exclusive: The prophet Muhammad denounces Charlie Hebdo murders


Je Suis Charlie
Members of Bolingbrook’s Islamic community claim that their prophet Muhammad descended from Heaven to denounce the attack against the French Newspaper Charlie Hebdo.  The attack killed 12 people, most were staff members of Charlie Hebdo.

“Do you think I am insulted by cartoons?”  Muhammad said.  “No!  I am insulted three fake followers deciding to commit murder instead of trusting God to punish them!  That is the real insult!”

The eyewitnesses agree that they saw Muhammad descend from Heaven on a winged horse, and land near Masjid Al-Islam in Bolingbrook.  Muhammad told his followers to finish their prayers, and then he would deliver a statement.

“I worried that he was going to call for a Jihad  against the non-believers.”  Said one eyewitness who asked not to be identified.  “I know I have to submit to God, but I have friends who don’t believe.  I would be really sad if I was ordered to hurt them.”

Instead ordering more bloodshed, Muhammad reminded his followers that Islam is a religion of peace.

“Peace is a relative term.”  Said Muhammad.  “What was considered peaceful in my time, is now considered barbaric in your time.  While we may disagree on what peace is, we should agree that Allah, praise be upon him, does not consider slaughtering newspaper reporters a peaceful act.”

Muhammad added, “The creator of the universe does not need men with weapons to question his judgement.  He who can make the Earth tremble, the sky burn, and turn water into acid can act against those who offend him.  That he does not destroy those who offend you is a sign of his mercy, not an excuse to commit murder!  You do not get to kill in Allah’s name!  Only God, the all merciful, can kill in His name!”

The prophet also denounced ISIS.  “There is no state of Islam.  There are only foolish men who pretend their bloodlust is sanctioned by God!  They think they are holy warriors, but they are merely Gamergaters with guns!  They are merchants of death who cover up their vile product with Arabic scribbles!”

Many of the eyewitnesses, including one who asked that we call him Paul, agreed with Muhammad’s denunciation.  “We’re not terrorists!  We work normal jobs, help out in our communities, and raise our children to be decent citizens.  We love Bolingbrook, and we love peace, and I’m glad Muhammad agrees with me.”

Added another eyewitness, “I didn’t like these so-called satirists and wanted them dead.  Muhammad disagreed with me.  This proves that God, praise me upon him, is real, and not a figment of my imagination!  What would it say if God always agreed with me?  No, I know my place!”

Muhammad explained that the best way to defeat the infidels is to maintain their faith.  “Only by resisting the West in your heart, can you be free.  Computers and iPods are fine.  Killing non-believers is not.  Threatening Ayaan Hirsi Ali and killing her friends didn’t bring her back to Allah.  It turned her into a crusader, and now she provides wicked advice to people who control nuclear weapons.  By the way, Allah denounces nuclear weapons.  Only He should have the power of mass destruction!”

When asked to prove his identity, Muhammad delivered a prophecy.  In March, he predicted, a Bolingbrook village trustee will defy Mayor Roger Claar during a board meeting. Muhammad then ascended into Heaven.


“It makes sense.”  Said Paul.  “Only one as powerful as Allah could make a trustee defy Roger!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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