Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Rochelle Reader: Rep. Kinzinger fails to block opening of UFO Base Hub 35

By Reporter Y

US House Representative Adam Kinzinger this week failed to block the opening of Hub 35, a UFO base located near Rochelle, IL.

Kinzinger told the House Covert Affairs Committee, “I do not want an Obama Base in my district because it is a tax sucking welfare program that will attract alien thugs and increase the risk of voter fraud.  I also don’t want these aliens to present their so-called science to our children, and I am fearful that some of the aliens will perform fetal abductions on our residents.  I am also concerned how these well these aliens will be able to adapt to our culture, and if there is a risk, no matter how slight, that ISIS might sneak into the country through this base.  There is a diversity of threats to the law abiding citizens of my district from this base that they will not be able to respond to once Obama confiscates all of their guns.  I could go on, but I left the rest of my talking points in the office.”

Added Rep. Daniel Webster of Florida, “We need to tie this base to the Benghazi attack!  I mean investigate any possible ties to Benghazi before we can open this base!  No matter how long it takes to impeach Obama!  I mean until we find the truth!”

Before any motions could be considered, Thomas Xavier, the New World Order administrator overseeing all of Illinois’s UFO bases.  Xavier said that it was vital that Hub 35 be opened on schedule.  He explained that Hub 35 was the key to increased distribution of alien products throughout the United States.  Hub 35, he estimated, could create millions of jobs and improve the economy.

“I understand that many committee members are willing to sabotage the economy in order to destroy President Obama’s legacy.”  Said Xavier.  “Let me remind you that destroying the global economy requires the New World Order’s approval, and 10 years advance notice.”

Xavier then reminded the Congressmen of their insignificance.  “It seems that you have forgotten who exactly the United States is indebted too.  We own your debt, and we can collect on it any time we want.  If want to see the US navy sold off to Britain, and the Air Force sold off to Russia, then go ahead and delay the opening of Hub 35.”

He ordered the committee to approve the US’s promised funding of Hub 35.

“Let me make this clear.  If you do not fully fund your portion of Hub 35, the Republican Party will be replaced by the Libertarian Party, and none of you will ever see a dime from the Koch brothers again!  Do I make myself clear?”

The committee unanimously approved the funding.

Before leaving the chamber, Xavier had some pointed words for Kinzinger.

“I may be young, but I am not naive.  You should know that I graduated from The College of Curiosity at the head of my class!  Do.  Not.  Mess.  With.  Me.  If you do this again, I will either force a thousand Republicans to leave your district or force millions of liberals to move into your district!  I hope we understand each other.”

After the meeting Kinzinger said he felt that the New World Order adequately addressed his concerns.  “I’m glad that we can put this misunderstanding behind us, and get on with the task of forcing The President to go to war with Russia.  I mean, to persuade The President to give the true patriots of this country what they really want!”

Also in The Reader:

Mayor Olson insists there are no sentient trains in Rochelle
Creston declines to move curfew from 5:30 PM to 3 PM
NIU professor disciplined for attempting to raise the dead

God to spare Rochelle on 1/16/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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