Wednesday, January 28, 2015

James Randi gives emotional farewell speech at Clow UFO Base

Famed skeptic James Randi announced his retirement to an audience at Clow UFO Base.  After showing “An Honest Liar,” the documentary about his life, a tearful Randi announced his retirement to the gathered humans and aliens.

“I’ll never forget the first time, I met a visitor from another planet.”  Said Randi.  “I didn’t believe my eyes or my NWO handler.  I had to investigate for myself.  So after 50 years of investigation, and 50 years making friends, I’m finally convinced that all of you are not of this Earth.”

From 1996 until 2011, The James Randi Educational Foundation was the skeptical movement’s ambassador organization to the interstellar community.  Under Randi’s leadership, the JREF worked with aliens to coordinate coverups of UFO sightings and promote science education to humanity in general.  Though the JREF lost its ambassadorship, Randi was allowed to maintain knowledge of and contact with aliens.

“James Randi was an inspiration across the galaxy.”  Said Dischum, an alien magician, and caretaker of the Billion Dollar Challenge, which was inspired by Randi’s million dollar challenge to find proof of the existence of the paranormal.  “He was one of the few unifying humans left in Earth’s skeptical movement.  His absence will be a great loss for them.  They may never overcome their deep rift.”

Randi did not comment on the future of the JREF, but did stop his speech so that Michael Shermer could address the audience by video chat.  Shermer announced that his organization, The Skeptics Society, had just filed an application to become an interstellar ambassador group, joining Skepchick and the Center for Inquiry.

Shermer was interrupted when 10 beings dressed as various incarnations of Doctor Who started running in aisles repeatedly yelling, “Time run!”  After five minutes, security personnel chased them out of the theater.

After the monitor was turned off, Randi thanked the many people and aliens he’d met from his work as a skeptical leader.  He also thanked the staff of Clow, including Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.  Randi promised to write a letter endorsing his re-election campaign, “if I live long enough.”

Randi then promised to perform final trick before leaving.  He placed himself in a milk can filled with raw milk.  Two male assistants closed the top lid and secured it with pad locks.  As the walked over to pickup a curtain, the milk can exploded.  After the audience got over the shock, all they could see were the remains of the can.  Randi, nor any of his body parts, were visible in the debris.  Though suspecting it was a trick, Randi did not return to the theater.

Eyewitnesses claim to have seen Randi outside of Clow, wearing a cape and holding a wooden staff.  He was accompanied by New World Order member Jeff Wagg.

“I will never forget the sight of watching Randi and Jeff walking together away from Clow and towards the rising Moon.”  Said an anonymous witness.  “I want this to be my final memory of Randi!”

Also in The Babbler:

Mayor Claar promises aggressive interplanetary campaign for reelection
Koch brothers pitch reality show, ‘Who wants to have a Koch baby?’
Aliens warned not to help the Patriots win the Super Bowl

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/31/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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