Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Bolingbrook opposition parties respond to the 2015 State of the Village Address

The rest of Bolingbrook’s media outlets may have forgotten about Mayor Roger Claar’s annual state of the village address, but we haven’t!  Each year we invite Bolingbrook’s opposition parties  to write a response.  This year The Roger Claar Party, The #Gamergate Party, and The Free Water Party accepted our invitation.

The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party!”

It should be a crime not to report on Roger’s awesome speech!  It brought tears to our eyes as he talked about how great our village is, and how it has been an honor to serve Bolingbrook for 29 years!  We are the best suburb in Chicago, and no one can ignore that!  Not even the trolls who infest Topix!

Sadly, it is almost time to start thinking about preserving his decades long legacy.  Though we hate to see him retire, we know that day must eventually come.

The residents of Bolingbrook need to ask themselves which party will best preserve his legacy?  Is it The First Party for Bolingbrook, which is always first to accept donations from his campaign fund, but occasionally vote against him.  How can we trust them to always vote in his memory when they can’t always vote for him when he’s in the same room?

This year, vote for our candidates, and tell the Me-first party to stay away from Roger’s campaign fund.  Instead, vote for the party that loves Roger so much, we named ourselves after him!

David Nelson
Roger’s Number One Fan and Chairman of The Roger Claar Party

The Roger Claar Party is not affiliated with Mayor Roger Claar.

The #Gamergate Party
“It’s all about ethics in Bolingbrook”

There are no ethics in Bolingbrook.  According to The Chicago Tribune, Roger accepted $164,000 in donations from the owner of Ice Rocket Arena, and in return the owner gets to use a village owned building at reduced rent.  Between 1999 and 2009, he received nearly $2.5 million in donations from companies and individuals who do business with the village.  Oddly enough, they received $300 million in village work.

The worst ethical breach, however, Roger’s inability to crush the local Social Justice Warriors who want to inject politics into Bolingbrook’s government.  SJWs like (personal information redacted) and (personal information redacted.)! We’ve had to do all the hard work of doxxing, swatting, ordering delivery at odd hours, sending complaints to their employers, and posting internet death threats for the Lolz!  This April, you can help us unlock the achievement of controlling a local government!

That means ordering the police to investigate the perverted sex lives of the local SJWs and posting the results online.  It means unlimited access to their personal records without trying to crack passwords.  It means legal “monitoring” of all local SJW internet traffic.  In short, it means we will have the unlimited resources of a government to silence the SJWs and their censorship campaigns and promote free speech!

Roger, if you try to stop us, we have this (personal information redacted) on you.  So hand over your campaign fund to us now, or we’ll call you a professional victim.  That means, you noob, we would be able to start up a Patreon page, and people will give us thousands of dollars to silence you!

Why are we doing this?  Because we will not stop until everyone is afraid to say anything critical about our video games!  Gamers of Bolingbrook, Roger is not your shield.  Elect us, and we will be your shield!

Whoaskedyou?
Not responsible for anything done under the #gamergate hashtag!

The Free Water Party!
“Freedom”

Roger, you want to socialize our water.  We say that any resident who has the drive and money should be able to sell all they water they want to Bolingbrook!  If you can’t afford your water bill without dipping into your campaign fund, then move to Chicago and drink from Lake Michigan!  

Every resident should have the risk of dying of thirst if it means having the freedom to own a pipeline!

Paul Z. Sutherland
American Water Employee Chairman of The Free Water Party!

Also in The Babbler:

George Lucas denies his museum is a cover for a Chicago UFO Base
Naperville considers minimum salary for residents
Ambassador from Pluto promises wild celebrations when New Horizons arrives
God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/23/15

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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