Monday, December 29, 2014

The Babbler’s shocking predictions for 2015 revealed!

Will Jay Cutler be the next Chicago Bears Coach?
Photo by Mjglasgow 
Every December, The Babbler gathers Bolingbrook’s finest psychics to predict next year’s major events.  Last year, our psychics did a remarkable job when compared to the average non-psychic.  They predicted that a connection between Patheos and Freethought Blogs would be revealed.  No they didn’t merge, but Patheos does manage the ads that appear on Freethought Blogs, so that counts.  Once again, the Bears didn’t make the Super Bowl.  

Now we didn’t everything right, but we’re happy with what we did get right.  Sometimes printing predictions of the future will change the future.  Plus the psychics might have seen the correct future, but the visions were fuzzy and were incorrectly recorded.

With that in mind, we invite you to read our predictions for 2015.  Unless, of course, you want the new year to be a surprise.

***
After his inauguration, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner will suddenly have a family emergency in the Bahamas.  He will leave the country in the middle of the night.  Two days later, the US District Attorney’s office will announce that they are charging Rauner with accepting illegal campaign contributions.  

Undeterred, Rauner announces that Illinois will immediately be part of an inversion deal with a Bahaman corporation.  He will then fire the Illinois State Assembly and replace them with Chinese social studies exchange students.

“I told you I would run Illinois like a business.”  He will say.

The rest of 2015 will see Illinois government paralyzed while the courts sort out the legality of Rauner’s actions.

***

Early in 2015, The Bears will announce that Quarterback Jay Cutler will also serve as the head coach and general manager.  Which would be an unprecedented decision in the history of the NFL.

“You guys in the media say I’m un-coachable!”  Cutler will complain.  “That’s not fair!  NFL coaches’s schemes are unplayable!  You can’t expect me to win if the coaches are calling crappy plays and giving me horrible instructions!  Hell, coaches are so bad in the NFL, they couldn’t even use Tim Tebow.  Even a college coach could figure him out.  Since I’ve joined the NFL coaches have been screwing me over.  There are fans out there who think I don’t deserve my salary because of coaching decisions I had no say over.  It’s not fair that they put our team in desperate situations, and then expect me to bail them out.  No more!  From now on, the only person screwing me is going to be my wife!”

***

Facing a rapidly declining workforce, and rapidly aging population, Japan will be forced to relax its immigration laws and create incentive programs for Westerners to move to Japan. One of those programs includes paying off US student loans in exchange for living in Japan for at least 10 years.

“This is a great program.”  One student will say.  “My job sucked, and I wanted to move to a new place where I could start over!  There are so much empty space here, that anyone can build their dreams here if they try really hard!  Unlike those immigrants who are ruining America!”

Despite protests from conservatives in both countries, thousands of Millennials will decide to “turn Japanese.”

***

Though it will still be fighting to seize the lake water pipeline from American Lake Water Co., The Northern Will County Water Agency will announce plans to build a new pipeline from Lake Michigan to California.  

“It’s simple.”  Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will say.  “California needs water, and eventually we will have water to give them.  We’ll make a ton of money off this deal.”

The plan will eventually be canceled, but not after the agency receives “consulting fees” from water agencies across the country.

***

The Babbler’s secret project will be released in 2015, offending many professional atheist activists.

***

Idaho militia members will fire model rockets into Canada to protest the alleged influx of muslim terrorists from the North.  Canada responds by launching an invasion of the United States.

“For all practical purposes, the United States has no government.”  A Canadian spokesperson will say.  “It is a lawless rouge state filled with armed lunatics who have grown tired of shooting each other and now want to shoot us because they hate our freedom.”

The world will be surprised when the US is defeated, and the Canadian flag flies over the Capitol Building.  Thus extending Canada’s winning streak over the United States.

At gun point, the Senate agrees to turn control over the Pacific Northwest and the Northern Planes to Canada as part of a “buffer zone.”  The US will also turn over it’s Security Council veto powers to Canada. 

Thousands of Americans will be forced from their farms and business while Canadians will build settlements that will “make the fields bloom and the cows happy.” 

Said one settler.  “When we moved to Idaho sector, it was just desert.  But we converted this abandoned building into a potato farm.  The American were too busy shooting each other to do anything productive with this land.”

Despite protests from the UN, the Canadian army will continue to conduct “limited” operations in the remaining states to destroy “terrorist arms caches.” 

“We don’t want to kill American civilians.”  Another spokesperson will say.  “But as long as they give their children guns, we’ll have to keep sending in drones to deal with potential terrorists!  Besides, there’s no such thing as an American.  They’re just a bunch of people who moved onto stolen Commonwealth land and started shooting each other.  We’re just reclaiming the Greater Commonwealth for real Commonwealth citizens.”

Also in The Babbler:

Happy New year!
UK threatens to ban Babbler web page
Baby New Year spotted in Chicago

God to spare Bolingbrook this week

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Skepchick accidentally posts photo of a Mississippi River monster?

Photo of Missi taken by Jamie Bernstein, CC 2012.

Did a blogger at Skepchick, the controversial network of feminists skeptics, accidentally promote a picture of a real river monster?  A Chicago area cryptozoologist says yes.

The controversy started when Skepchick blogger Jamie wrote a post claiming that her “obvious” hoax photo was picked up by the Frontiers of Zoology blog and presented as real. She claims she really photographed a pipe in the middle of the river.

Chicago’s John Z. Parker, an aspiring to be famous cryptozoologist, disagrees.  

“There’s no way that is a digitally blurred image of a pipe in the Mississippi River!  That’s a lake monster!  I mean that’s Pepie, the lake monster of the Mississippi River!”

Parker believes that the skeptical blogger only thought she was taking a picture of a pipe.

“What she really saw was the creature, but since she’s a skeptic, she couldn’t accept that.  So she altered her memory to think she saw a pipe.  Then she posted the photo thinking that she was hoaxing us.  But actually she was proving us right.  Skeptics always attack our eyewitnesses’s memories, so it’s nice to attack them back!”   

Famed skeptic and neurologist Dr. Steven Novella, disputed Parker’s theory.

“OK, I’ll play along if you’ll end this interview quickly.  Yes, our memories aren’t perfect.  But, and this is a serious but, there’s a difference between an imperfect memory and gaslighting.  It sounds like what John, if he’s a real person, is trying to do here.  That’s not acceptable.  By the way, I’ve seen the original photo and it clearly shows a pipe in the water.  So now we have two choices.  Either a Skepchick blogger photographed an incredible rare creature and photoshopped it to look like a pipe.  Or she photographed a very common pipe and made it look like a sea serpent just for fun.  I think I’ll apply Occam’s Razor here.”

Parker, however, insists his theory is correct.  

“Sure it’s hard to believe that there’s a mysterious creature in the Mississippi.  Then again, Quantium Mechanics is hard to believe.  If scientists can believe in Quantium Mechanics, I can believe in Pepie!”

When asked to comment, head Skepchick Rebecca Watson mainly talked about her Patreon page then added, “Thanks to Patreon, we could afford to post a video of the pipe, and then track how many cryptozoological sites link to it.  I think my supporters would love something like that!”

Parker, on the other hand, intends to launch a Kickstarter page to fund an expedition to find Pepie.

Also in The Babbler:

Anonymous threatens to release Santa sex tape
Hanukkah Harry questioned by Bolingbrook police
Happy holidays from The Bolingbrook Babbler

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 15, 2014

UFOs over Chicagoland proclaim ‘Black human lives matter’



By Reporter X

Approximately 25 UFOs flew over skies of Chicagoland to protest the recent deaths of Michael Brown, Tamir Rice, and Eric Garner.  

“These incidents show that humanity still has problem with skin pigment!” Boaz Kasca, head organizer of the protest.  “If you want to breathe the air on our planets, you must get your law enforcement under control!”

The protest was originally going to take place over Ferguson, but was moved to Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after the New World Order refused to lift the UFO Ban over the St. Louis area.  Protestors also claimed that Missouri residents have shot at their UFOs while displaying their slogans.

“It is odd that the light skinned humans call President Obama a tyrant for giving his subjects the ability to afford private health care.”  Said Gorgo.  “Yet they have no problem with their law enforcement shooting citizens for improper tobacco transactions, or using excessive displays of force against protesters.”

Dalgo says he joined the protest over concerns about the future of humanity.

“There has been some improvement, but in the US sector, between your years 2003 to 2009, Blacks were about 4 times as likely to die in custody than Whites.  This needs to change.  I don’t want to come back in 100 years and see a dark skinned man suffocating in a spacesuit because a light skinned man cut his air supply in the name of law enforcement.”

There were no arrests or citations issued during the protest flights.  Clow officials confirmed that none of the UFOs exceeded the minimum visibility regulations for the Chicago area.

Doug Parker, a resident of Harvey, IL, claims to have seen one of the protest.

“The news has been getting me down lately, but when I saw the words, ‘Black human lives matter’ light up the sky, it made me happy.  Someone up there cares about us.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar praised the protesters for being peaceful, and also praised the professionalism of the Bolingbrook police department.

“In my village, all lives matter.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bears ask Egyptian gods to save their season
New UFO base nears completion near Rockford, IL
Sources: Northern Will County Water Agency paid for Claar’s trip to Europa.

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/18/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, December 8, 2014

Guest Opinion: Center for Inquiry’s feline fellows agree that ‘deniers are not skeptics'

 Note: The following guest opinion is from The Center of Inquiry’s feline fellows, who are based in
Chicago.  The opinions of these genetically modified cats do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Babbler.

Cats are natural skeptics, and that’s why we’re signing the Committee for Skeptical Inquiry’s open letter, “Deniers are not skeptics.”

As scientific skeptics, we are well aware of political efforts to undermine climate science by those who deny reality but do not engage in scientific research or consider evidence that their deeply held opinions are wrong. The most appropriate word to describe the behavior of those individuals is “denial.” Not all individuals who call themselves climate change skeptics are deniers. But virtually all deniers have falsely branded themselves as skeptics. By perpetrating this misnomer, journalists have granted undeserved credibility to those who reject science and scientific inquiry.
Climate change is an issue that affects all species, not just humans.  Rising sea levels endanger the homes of thousands of cats and dogs.  Droughts threaten our pet food supply.  The economic damage caused by extreme weather threatens our caretakers' ability to provide for us.

Science-based skeptics know better than to deny the reality of climate change.  Climate deniers want to distract the public from the science.  They distract other humans with talking points, just like a cat tries to distract their caretaker when he or she is typing on their computer. 

Don’t be distracted by the deniers’ shiny balls of well funded woo!  Learn the facts and take action.  We can disagree on how to deal with the changing climate, but we cannot deny that humans are altering the climate and we cannot ignore the impact it will have on our planet.

Andy
Center for Inquiry Feline Fellow.

Anti-Psychic Kitty
Committee for Skeptical investigation Feline Fellow

Cassie
Center for Inquiry Feline Fellow

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Web Exclusive: Atheist TV to stream Christmas special

American Atheists will debut their 2014 Christmas special on the Atheist TV web channel during Christmas Day, sources say.

“We realized that the Internet is a giant billboard.”  Said one source who claims to be a member of American Atheists.  “So what better use of a billboard than to make an hour long program that will offend religious people?  Heck, the Internet is better than a billboard campaign, because religious nut cases can’t take down our content!”

Another source, Doug, showed clips from the alleged program.  In the first clip, AA president David Silverman is singing and throwing wooden religious symbols in to a pile.  He is then handed a menorah with nine lit candles.

“Let’s stop all this jive!”  He sings, then throws the menorah into the pile.  The pile ignites into a bonfire and he sings, “And burn down all the lies!”  After holding the note for “lies” for several seconds, he stops and the song ends.  “Burn down all the lies!”  He says, then winks at the camera.

Explained Doug.  “We approached this like a 70s style Christmas TV variety show special.  That means you’ll get to see the hidden talents of our staff.  I think people will love Danielle Muscato’s rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’, and Amanda Knief’s dramatic reading of ‘No, Virginia  there’s isn’t a Santa Claus or a God!’”

Doug also added that the hour long special will feature several guest stars.

“I’m looking forward to Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s duet with a Mohammad impersonator as they sing, ‘Anything You Can Do.’”

Another of Doug clips shows a musical number that starts with atheist video blogger Jaclyn Glenn and conservative video blogger Christina Hoff Sommers  standing in a TV studio with wintery decorations.

Sommers:  The wage gap between men and women is only a few cents.  *Sings* But what’s a few cents between friends?
*Glenn nods*
Sommers:  (Talks) You know, Jaclyn, with all the advantages women have in our society, I think it’s only fair that women should at least give a few cents back to men.
Glenn:  Exactly.  It’s just like Mario giving Luigi a head start?
Sommers:  Luigi?  Mario?
Glenn:  They’re from the video game scene.
Sommers:  Ah.  Something that makes the fake feminists scream.
*The both start tap dancing.  Later, a much older woman tap dances into the scene.*
Glenn:  Who is she?
Sommers:  Why, that’s your Based Grandmother, Phyllis Schlafly!

Added Doug, “Phyllis is going to be really mad when she finds out what she was actually a part of, but it was so worth it!”

Doug also showed another clip to prove that the special would, “have something for all freethinkers.”  

The clip starts with a diverse group of college students sitting in a lobby, looking sad.  The owner of Freethought Blogs, Ed Brayton walks in.

Brayton: Hello!
Students:  It’s Ed Brayton.
*Ashley F. Miller walks in with a ukulele*
Student 1:  It’s  Ashley F. Miller!  What are you doing in Michigan?  You must be so cold!
Miller:  When the Secular Student Alliance told me that there were students in distress during the holiday season, I had to come out and help!
Brayton:  So what’s the problem?
Student 2:  Tim Minchin canceled his concert because of the winter storm.  The religious students are being entertained by their churches, and we’re bored.
Brayton:  Well we can fix that.  I’ll entertain you with stories of Christian Right Wing stupidity!
Miller:  I’ll also help with by intersecting my singing voice with my ukulele playing!
*Students cheer*
Student 1:  You two are the best.
Student 3:  Wait!  I’m glad you two are here, but I really wanted to hear a live performance of “White Wine in the Sun.”
*Brayton and Miller look at each other.*
Brayton:  We can do that.
*Students cheer as Miller starts playing*

When asked to comment, Muscato would neither confirm or deny the story.

“Your readers should just tune into Atheist TV on December 25.  Either they will see this alleged special, or they will watch hours of quality atheist videos.  Either way, we win.  That’s much better than Pascal’s Wager.”


In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman said, “You’re saying that supporting protests against police violence in the black community would be a more effective minority outreach effort than putting up a billboard comparing Christianity to slavery?  Whoa!  That’s some serious mission drift!  There are police officers who are atheists and we don’t want to offend them.  We need their donations too.  Hello?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Bolingbrook Police accused using the ‘Star Wars Holiday Special’ against suspects



Civil Liberties groups expressed outrage upon hearing rumors that the Bolingbrook Police show The Star Wars Holiday Special during interrogations.

“This is yet another example of law enforcement out of control!”  Said Paul Z. Jones, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook chapter of the American Civl Liberties Union.  “The American people suffered enough in 1978!  Now Bolingbrook is suffering again!”

The CBS special was broadcast in 1978, and is debatable how much influence George Lucas had during its production.  After being panned by critics and the Star Wars fans, it has never been rebroadcast or released on video.  Those who haven’t suppressed the show from their memories claim it is painful to watch, and even worse than the Star Wars Prequels.  Some Star Wars fan have called the show a crime against humanity.

According to sources within the police department, a detective was watching the show while having lunch with a suspect.  After 10 minutes, the sources say the suspect confessed to robbing a home.

“I’d never see anything like it.”  Said an officer who asked not to be identified.  “I wasn’t really paying attention to the show.  I just wanted to see if the WiFi worked in the interrogation room.  The suspect asked for a lawyer, so I had time to kill.  Suddenly, he started screaming in pain.  He said he’d tell me anything if I would just stop playing it.  I guess old George knew what he was doing.”

Another officer claims that the show helped crack a local carjacking ring.

“I was playing part of it, when my suspect started having problems breathing.  I asked him what was wrong, and he said he couldn’t believe anyone could make 70s era Jefferson Starship suck.  I told him if he didn’t come clean I would skip to the Bea Arthur duet with the Cantina band.  That worked wonders.”

Officers, according to the sources, noticed that the show worked too well.

“I saw this guy steal cigarettes at a gas station.  So I thought I’d play the show in his cell to make him confess.  The problem is, everyone in lockup confessed to the crime.  So I ended helping his lawyer more than my case.  Civil rights suck!  But you didn’t hear me say that!”

Finally, the sources agree, Bolingbrook's village attorney advised the police department not to use the show during interrogations.  The attorney explained that the video was pirated copy, and it’s contents have been considered a form of torture.  

“It is so horrendous,” He allegedly said, “The Ferguson police won’t use it.  Think about that.”

A spokesperson for the police department refused except to say that he hoped the police would have the opportunity to test their new tank on a newspaper office.

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the police department would never knowing use a pirated video tape during interrogations.

In the background, and man who sounded like Claar yelled, “No, I will not ban the new Star Wars movie because it has a black Stormtrooper.  Did it ever occur to you that maybe the Empire finally realized that Jango Fett clones were a waste of money?  You saw how they fared against the Ewoks!” 

Also in The Babbler:

CFI Feline Fellows to attend 2015 convention
Gamergate announces campaign against reality
Claar to take vacation on Venus

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.