Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Internet trolls threaten Bolingbrook

A “leaderless” group of Internet trolls is threatening to bring down Bolingbrook, unless they evict all “social justice warriors” from the village.

Gamergate has shown us the way!”  Said SlashX, one of the “respected” members of trolls.  “We will purge Bolingbrook of uppity women!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The currently nameless group will conduct a “full scale protest” to “downsize” Bolingbrook’s economy.  First they will send “harsh” messages to every Bolingbrook residential e-mail they can find.  If any resident complains, they will accuse the resident of faking the e-mails.  Second, the collective will sponsor a crowdsourced effort to contact every local business and “politely” ask them to leave Bolingbrook.  They hope to be able flood every Bolingbrook business with thousands of e-mails.

“I’m willing to create 10 e-mail accounts a day.  Plus we’ve got over a hundred form letters people can use.  They’ll never be able to sniff us out!”

Third, the group will accuse any reporter of bias if they write an article involving Bolingbrook, and do not include any “honest prospectives” about the village.

Fourth, the group will organize boycotts of companies that have a manufacturing presence in Bolingbrook.

“We want to make ‘made in Bolingbrook’ a corporate death sentence.”

Finally, the group will raise funds to support candidates for office in Bolingbrook that will work to abolish Bolingbrook.

“Of course.”  Said SlashX.  “This can be avoided if Bolingbrook would just purge Bolingbrook of gays!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The group formed after Jill Z. Quintburg, a 25 year Bolingbrook resident, announced that she was going to create a new social network platform.

“I read this great article by Lindy West about how she wants a social network that has effective tools to combat harassment.  She called it, ‘Echo Chamber.’  I loved the article, and since I’m a programer, I decided to start work on my version of Echo Chamber.”

Quintburg announced her intention over Twitter.

“Big mistake.”  Said Quintburg.

According to Quintburg, she started receiving death threats and nasty messages online.

“It is disturbing to see so many attempts to hack my e-mail and fake Twitter accounts trying to impersonate me.  I complained about it online, and those trolls accused me of faking the whole thing because the trolls end their sentences with periods just like I do.  Can you believe that?  They also tried to drive me out of my home, but the address they posted was for the Bolingbrook Police Department.  So I’m lucky, compared to most women online.”

SlashX said that not all members of the collective harassed Quintburg and therefore the group can’t be blamed.

“Sure it started out as aggressive messaging towards her, but now we’ve moved on to—Hey Joe, can you think of a cause that’s important to SJWs?”

“Locally grown organic food.”  Came a reply in the background.

“Yeah!  Now we’re all united behind supporting locally grown organic food!  You can’t call us sexist if we support natural food!  The best way to support locally grown organic food is to purge liberals, I mean social justice warriors, from Bolingbrook or purge Bolingbrook from Illinois!”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the village was not aware of the group, but was not concerned.  “We handled The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook.  We can handle these hackers.  Now I have go back to helping Roger prepare his speech to at risk youth.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “A village is like piece of music.  It needs treble and bass to work.  If you doubt me, trying listening to Meghan Trainor without treble!”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler to shutdown next week for remodeling
Martian Colonies repel invasion force.
Sources: Solider Field cursed

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Riot ends Jamie Kilstein/Dinesh D’Souza debate at Clow UFO Base

Godless comic Jamie Kilstein spotted at Clow UFO Base hours after a riot he participated in.
What was promoted by Clow UFO Base as a fiery debate between progressive atheist Jamie Kilstein and conservative Christian Dinesh D’Souza turned into a real riot.  By the time Clow’s security forces restored order, over 100 aliens and humans were detained.  Damage from the riot is estimated to be around $10 million dollars.

“We expected some figurative sparks from this debate.”  Said Jeff Wagg, The New World Order’s liaison to Clow UFO Base.  “We didn’t expect real fires 15 minutes in.”

 After the introductions in front of a crowd of aliens and humans, D’Souza started the debate with a 12 minute speech which many eyewitnesses described as rambling and confusing.  During the speech, D’Souza accused President Obama of stealing the Ebola virus from the Martian Colonies so he could use it to destroy the “civilized world.”  He added that Obama tried to be clever by starting the infection in Northwest Africa, but he wasn’t fooled.

“He actually reflected his father’s tribal hatred for those people and his own Islamic communist desire to destroy the civilized world by planting the seeds of its destruction in Liberia, a colony proudly founded by the United States, the greatest government in the universe!”

D’Souza also stated that the existence of alien Muslims proved the existence of Satan, while the existence of alien Christians proved the existence of God.

When it was Kilstein’s turn to speak, he said, “What the (Expletive Deleted) was that?”

Debate moderator Michael Nugent, who is also the president of Atheist Ireland, immediately declared D’Souza the winner of the debate.

“You used a naughty word.”  Nugent said.  “Mr. D’Souza didn’t use any.  So I must declare him the winner, and you must respect my decision if you want me to think of you as a rational person.”

When Kilstein used another profane word, Nugent said he required an hour of uninterrupted speaking time to explain his, “nuanced and reasonable” decision.

D’Souza interjected, “This is proof that conservative Christian humans are the superior form of life in all of the universe!”

Goz Goose, from the Large Magellanic Cloud Alliance, was the first to attempt to storm the stage.

“I thought it was a Blazagost decision, and I still do.  That debate moderation actually thought the presentation of an idea is more important than the actual idea.  I wanted to get into his face and yell, ‘You exist, dolgot!’  Then he would have to explain why he still existed even though I used a vulgarity to express my argument!”

Goose was immediately sprayed with a riot foam by The Men in Blue.  Instead of being intimidated, others in the audience rushed at the stage.  Seconds later, laser fire was exchanged between the crowd and security.

In the confusion, someone gave the order to have Kilstein arrested.  To everyone’s amazement, Kilstein defeated five Men in Blue in hand to hand combat.

“The Men in Blue fought him one at a time.”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “After he broke the arm of the fifth one, they finally realized that they needed to attack him as a group.”

Thirty minutes later, security finally restored order.  Kilstein was released after two hours in custody and suspended from Clow for three months.  No such restriction was placed on D’Souza.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar promised an investigation into the cause of the riot and said that there would be policy changes implemented.

“As much as my political party loves guns, maybe it’s not a good idea to allow concealed weapons during emotional events like this.”

D’Souza’s parole officer refused to let this reporter speak with him.

Kilstein could not be reached for comment, but his wife and podcast co-host, Allison Kilkenny, did comment.


“Boy your publication is a big example of #newsfail.  Your informed readers might be interested in our new book, Newsfail!  I’m sure they’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Everything is OK

Last weekend, several former staff members of the Phantom Press decided to haunt our office.  Thanks to our staff psychics, we were able to chase them away in a matter of hours, instead of days.  We're back in business, and we should post a new article very soon.  Thank you for your patience.

Sara Langston, editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Postponed

Due to an extraordinary circumstance, the next article will be posted on Sunday.  We're sorry for the inconvenience.  All will be explained.

Sara Langston, Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Naperville residents demand invasion of Bolingbrook to ‘fight ISIS’

Following the arrest of a Bolingbrook resident for allegedly attempting to join ISIS, some Naperville residents are demanding an invasion of Bolingbrook.

“We just can’t take the chance!”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The police swore to serve and protect Naperville!  As a resident they serve, I’m ordering them to protect me by invading Bolingbrook, arresting every bearded resident, and forcing the remaining residents to become Christians!  It’s the only way!”

Many of the Naperville residents who spoke with The Babbler expressed their fear that Bolingbrook is now a “base of operations” for ISIS.  

“Secret Muslims have overrun Bolingbrook.”  Said Michael, who also asked that we not use his last name.  “Last summer I saw a bunch of them walking towards a building with prayer rugs.  When I confronted one of them, he tried to fool me into thinking that he was holding a beach towel and he was going to Pelican Harbor Aquatic Park.  I wasn’t fooled!  That was a prayer rug, and he was going to a semi-nude mosque!”

Jane X Silverton, also expressed her fears.  “Sure I don’t have any evidence that Bolingbrook is really a terrorist base.  The problem is, the only evidence we might find is a fleet of airplanes launching from Clow Airport and crashing into our downtown!  We can’t take that chance!  Our police officers have to move into Bolingbrook and pacify it before they behead all the good men and force women like me to cover up!”

A Naperville resident, who would only call himself Bulldog, plans to start an online petition to force the City of Naperville to “arrest, detain, and question” all Bolingbrook residents and to put Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar on trial for “committing war crimes against his critics.”

“Naperville must stop the muslim communist fascist atheistic dictatorship that hast festered for too long!  We are Naperville!  We have a reputation to uphold.  Tolerating a neighboring caliphate is not part of that reputation!”

Bulldog also suggested that Naperville should build settlements in Bolingbrook to help “contain the threat.”

“It’s not like they’re using the land for anything besides causing trouble.  We should take their land and use it for good!  Land for peace is what I say!”

When asked to comment, a man who claimed to be Naperville Mayor George Pradel laughed.  “We’re not going to invade Bolingbrook.  We have no reason to fear The Muslim Association of Bolingbrook.  Besides, Bolingbrook is a great place to live, but we’re better!”

When asked to comment, an anonymous spokesperson told this reporter that the world should not judge Bolingbrook based on the actions of, “One confused young man.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Richard, if I ever need help from an atheist, which I don’t, I can get it from Chris Stedman! He’s nicer than you, and might even apologize to me for not believing in God!  We need more atheists like him, and less like you!”

Also in The Babbler:

Sick space alien does not have Ebola, say Clow UFO Base officials
Gay aliens prepare to get married in Indiana
Bigfoot spotted in Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.