Sunday, March 30, 2014

Obama will not expose the truth about aliens, says Biden

By Reporter X

While visiting Clow UFO Base, Vice President Joe Biden denied charges that President Barrack Obama will expose the aliens’ presence on Earth.

“Our administration fully respects our treaty obligations to the Interstellar community as well as our subservience to the New World Order.”  Said Biden.  “We will work with the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science once they determine that humanity is ready to learn the truth about aliens.”

Responding to conservative activist Jim Garrow’s charge that Obama will make a public announcement at Area 51, Biden laughed.  

“It’s like that man went to a Tea Party web site, and a UFO web site, and randomly picked words out to attack the President.  I wonder if he’s a real person or an actor covering for a Koch brothers computer program?”

Biden also praised Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar and the staff of Clow for their cleanup efforts following the abductee uprising earlier this month.

“Roger, unlike your Republican colleagues in Congress, you actually get things done.  You’re helping us meet our goal of getting all US UFO bases back online by May 1.  Thank you.”

“I’d say, ‘You’re welcome,’ but I don’t want to get in trouble with the state party.”  Claar replied.

Biden also announced that he would be touring Bolingbrook in disguise, “to see what residents really think of our administration.”  Sources say that includes a trip to The Promenade where he will covertly dine at an undisclosed restaurant. 

“I should stop by here more often.”  Biden said.

“Have your boss make a public appearance here too.”  Claar replied.  “I can show him how much our village has changed since Ronald Reagan visited Bolingbrook.

Biden also met with Chicago officials at Clow.  Though he would not comment on the content of those talks, sources did confirm they were about Chicago’s proposed UFO Base that could rival Clow in size.

Area 51 will be Biden’s next stop on his tour of American UFO bases.  He has promised to meet with extraterrestrial delegates who claim the base has an unusually high death rate.  Biden denies that Area 51 officials are murdering aliens visitors so they can perform autopsies. 

Also in The Babbler:

El Chupacabra: Ben Radford was my lover!
Ventra AI denies responsibility for Blue Line derailment
Soviets threaten “Red Summer” unless Bolingbrook surrenders
God to smite Bolingbrook on 4/2/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Exclusive: Russia threatens to ‘liberate’ Chicago’s Ukrainian Village

Will Russian MiGs fly over Chicago's Ukrainian Village? (Based on photo by David Hilowitz.)

Highly ranked sources say that Russia plans to follow it’s annexation of Crimea by annexing Chicago’s Ukrainian Village neighborhood.

“We’re concerned for the safety of residents who have any Russian blood in them, no matter how small.”  Said a source within Chicago’s Russian Consulate.  “We have a new saying in Russia.  ‘Wherever a Russian steps is Russian territory!’”

According to various sources, The Russian Government plans to hire Tea Party affiliated militias to “secure” the streets leading into the neighborhood.  

One militia member, who asked not to be identified, says his “army” is ready.

“What’s not to like?  We get to make Obama look bad, exercise our Second Amendment rights against the Chicago Police Department, and get in gold!  Of course, we could change our minds if, oh say, our liberal Congress would grow a pair and impeach Obama!”

Once the streets are secured, Russian President Vladimir Putin will declare the neighborhood “disputed territory.”  Putin will then send in Russian paratroopers to “ease tensions,” then ask the UN Security Counsel for permission to declare the rest of Chicago a “demilitarized zone.”  After the US vetoes the resolution, the Russian Consulate will hold sponsor an election to let Ukrainian Village residents decide their fate and "bring peace to the neighborhood."  The sources say that residents will choose to either join Russia now, or join Russia later.

Said one highly placed source, “Some people think democracy mean giving people a right choice and a wrong choice.  It’s not!  Democracy means demonstrating to the world how strong our leaders are!  You don’t show strength by letting spoiled citizens throw temper tantrums because they don’t like certain laws.  You punish them like a good father should!”

As to why Russia would risk nuclear war to annex part of Chicago, the sources doubt the US Government would go to war.

“Everyone who loves toughness loves Vladimir!  Even your Republican Party cannot hide their love him when he takes off his shirt!  Your Congress would stop your President from blowing up the world over a few acres of land in Chicago.  Let’s be honest, Congress would make Vladimir Prime Minister of the United States if they could get away with it!”

Attempts to reach President Obama never got past the White House Switchboard.  

Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, however, was more forth coming.

“You (Expletive Deleted) Bolingbrook people are so clueless.  There’s no (Expletive Deleted) way anyone is going to be attacking Chicago.  Let me explain.  First, no matter which party takes the governor’s office, I will still have him under my finger!  Second, I still have pull with the Obama administration.  Third, thanks to CNN, I’m a bigger reality TV star than Rod Blagojevich ever was!  Fourth, I have the full support of Chicago’s 1 percent!  Fifth, no one is (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) enough to try to take a piece of Chicago from me!  Most people get (Expletive Deleted) by the Chicago City Council.  I (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) their (Expletive Deleted) (Expletive Deleted) every day!  Finally, if Putin is stupid enough to (Expletive Deleted) with me, the new sanctions will (Expletive Deleted) over his economy.  He won’t be able to afford to (Expletive Deleted) with me or my President!  In a few months, the Russian people will be annexing the Kremlin from him!  With a little assistance, if you know what I mean!”

A spokesperson for the Russian Embassy in Washington denied that Russia has a consulate in Illinois.

“I urge the American people to reject the propaganda from your corporate media, and embrace the more reliable rt.com!”

Also in The Babbler:

Claar denies forcing H2O clients to help repair Clow UFO Base
Lost Tribes vow to still vist Chicago for Passover
Soviets taunt Chicago with another snow attack

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

American Atheists President David Silverman denied access to Clow UFO Base

David Silverman, president of American Atheists (Image from the Friendly Atheist blog.)

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs denied David Silverman, president of American Atheists, access to Clow UFO Base.

Said an anonymous source, “He isn’t even listed as a level one skeptic.  At the very least, he would need to be a level two skeptic and be sponsored by either Skepchick or The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry.  I don’t see that happening any time soon.”

According to sources in the department, Silverman sent an unsecured e-mail to Village Hall demanding access to Clow UFO Base.  Silverman said he wanted to have pictures of himself taken removing debris and helping Clow recover from the recent abductee uprising.

“As the representative of the 20 percent of Americans who do not believe in God, I should be granted access Clow UFO Base to help with the cleanup efforts!  While religious people are wasting their time praying for Clow to be cleaned up, I will symbolically represent the atheists who are doing the actual work!”

The department sent Silverman an standard form denying that Clow Airport houses a UFO base, and extended an invitation to Silverman to visit “The real Bolingbrook.”

Silverman replied that he wasn’t fooled because he reads The Bolingbrook Babbler.  

“There is more evidence for the existence of Clow UFO Base than there is for God!”  Silverman wrote back.

Silverman also offered to help defuse any potential “legal issues” that could be associated with the clean up.

“I can help find cross bars that now resemble religious crosses.  You know that displaying crosses on public property is government property is a crime.  We’re enforcing the law at the 9/11 Memorial, and we can help prevent a similar situation at Clow.”

After the department sent a second form letter to Silverman, he replied, “You know we could search all of Bolingbrook’s government property for religious symbols or religious organizations renting government facilities.   Wouldn’t be better to just let me access your UFO Base?”

This prompted Mayor Roger Claar to write back to Silverman.  Claar denied that Clow UFO Base exists, and that he wasn’t going to waste his time with Silverman.  “If Clow UFO Bases exists, and it doesn’t, I would instruct my Men in Blue to arrest you if you came within a 5 miles of the base.  Then I would instruct them to brainwash you into becoming a devout Pope loving Catholic!  You obviously have confused Bolingbrook for a Fox News studio!  If you want controversy, why don’t you visit Kol Hadash Humanistic Congregation, and tell Rabbi Chalom to his face that he’s not Jewish!  Now leave my village alone!”

A source within American Atheists says that Silverman never intended to get inside Clow UFO Base.  Instead, he was “trying to build his credibility” before attending The StarworksUSA 2014 UFO Symposium in Chicago from May 2 to May 4.

“Most people assume that atheist means being a so-called skeptic.”  Said the source.  “David knows that there are secular reasons to believe in UFOs, and we want to let atheist UFO believers know that you are not alone.  American Atheists is behind your fight to expose the truth!  We represent all atheists, skeptic and non-skeptic alike!”

David Muscato, Public Relations Director for American Atheists, denied that Siliverman had any contact with The Village of Bolingbrook, or will be attending StarworksUSA’s symposium.  

“We’re still in damage control over David’s comment about there being secular arguments against abortion.  We’re not going to be offending the skeptical leadership anytime soon.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Siliverman said, “Why are you attacking me?  We’re all atheists here.  Don’t you realize that there are forces out there that want to create a theocracy that will ban abortion for non-secular reasons.  We need to come together!  I run the only organization that can bring all atheists together.  You’re not helping with your blog posts.  If you want to save the world from religion, your followers and you should just shut up and give us your money!  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

New World Order: We know what happened to Flight MH370 and we’re not telling!
Pothole monsters strike Bolingbrook
Mayor Claar tells Tribune reporter: The village trusts me and you should too!

God to smite Bolingbrook on 3/18/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Abductee uprising! A Bolingbrook Babbler special report.

Two UFOs dogfight over Clow UFO Base.


By Reporter X

What started as a surprise attack inside a UFO hanger turned into the bloodiest conflict at Clow UFO Base since the Bolingbrook Time War.  After a week of fighting, sources estimate the total casualties at over 2900.  Damages to Clow UFO Base are expected to be in the trillions of dollars.

The attack on Clow was part of a larger surprise attack against all of the New World Order’s global UFO bases, and against UFO bases on planets with civilizations that have not been brought into the interstellar community.  Total causalities on Earth could reach as high as 100,000, and damages could exceed all nations’ combined net worth.

Bolingbrook’s mayor Roger Claar praised the NWO and Clow security forces.

“These brave men and women fought to preserve Bolingbrook’s freedom and the right of every resident to have a gateway to the stars in their community.

Claar also urged all residents to fly the Bolingbrook Flag in honor of those who died liberating Clow from the invaders.

The invaders claimed they were an army of former and liberated UFO abductees from around the galaxy.  Armed by “advanced civilizations sympathetic to our cause,” they said their interstellar upraising was their attempt to “liberate indigenous civilization from the exploitation from imperialistic interstellar civilization.”  They specifically called for an end to experimentation on the citizens of uninitiated civilizations and for all civilizations to be made aware of the existence of the interstellar community.

Malcom Z. Jamison, leader of the forces attacking Clow, said that Bolingbrook’s leaders were especially culpable because Bolingbrook regulates alien abductions.

“I was abducted several times before I turned 18, and I blame Roger!  While I was being probed, his family was enjoying special immunity from the humiliating acts.  Roger is a war criminal!”

Jamison also accused Earth’s skeptical movement of committing crimes against humanity. 

“They pretend to be superior thinkers, but just as they cover up predators among their ranks, they also cover up the predators from the stars who violate our bodily autonomy!”

The first attack on Clow, began the night of March 1, as troops hiding in a cargo shop stormed out of this ship.  Aided by the Anonymous Collective, they managed to secure the landing bays, and shut down Clow’s air and space defenses.  This allowed reinforcements to land and take over more of Clow.  

At the peak of the invasion, the alleged former abductees controlled over 50 percent of Clow, and besieged the Skepchick and Committee for Skeptical Inquiry’s consulates.  

Said Skepchick official Donna, “We kept our spirits up by playing Cards against Humanity.  It was better than worrying what would happen if our force field failed.” Donna also added 

The CSI’s consulate was breached when one of their negotiators ordered the force field lowered.

Said an anonymous CSI official.  “One of the negotiators thought if bashed Skepchick enough, the invaders would like us, and become CSI members.  It didn’t work out that way.  It was a good thing the New World Order troops arrived when they did, otherwise we’d be facing a kangaroo court.  I think we learned that an army thinks we’re a bunch of war criminals, bashing Rebecca Watson is not the way to defuse the situation.”

Once the NWO’s space force was able to prevent the invader’s UFOs from entering the solar system, Clow security forces, with the help of the NWO’s army, were able to launch a days long campaign to retake Clow.  The abductee invaders were finally invaded after H.A.A.R.P. fired several beams at Clow.  According to eyewitnesses, the last surviving invader yelled that they could take his life, but the world would know the truth by reading The Daily Grail web site.  The fighter then charged the security forces and was killed.

NWO liaison to Clow Jeff Wagg was held by the invaders as a POW, and released unharmed.

“Well they didn’t let me starve or die of thirst.  So in that sense they treated me well.  However, I was a prisoner of war, so it wasn’t a pleasant experience.”

Clow and NWO officials expect Clow UFO Base to be operational again in May.  Clow Airport was unaffected by the fighting and will remain open.

For more stories about the Interstellar Abductee Uprising, including accounts from Area 51, and more of the Interview with Jamison, pickup the print edition of The Babbler at any Bolingbrook Newsstand.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

An important message from The Village of Bolingbrook

The NSA has cleared this web site, and we will be returning control back to The Bolingbrook Babbler.  Thank you for your cooperation.

Here is one last video, featuring Mayor Roger Claar.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Friday, March 7, 2014

From the Village of Bolingbrook!

Dear Babbler readers:

In cooperation with the National Security Agency, the Village of Bolingbrook will be temporarily managing this web site.  We appreciate your cooperation, and ask that you do not follow The Bolingbrook Babbler's Twitter feed.

Instead, please enjoy this video featuring Bolingbrook's Mayor Roger Claar.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Chicago Skepticamp Registration extended to March 16

The logo of the Chicago Skeptics.

From the Village of Bolingbrook:  Our friends at the Chicago Skeptics are holding a "skepticamp" on April 8.  They just extended the deadline for registration.  If you're looking for an alternative to the content that's normally found on this web site, we encourage you to attend this event.  At the very least be critical of those who criticize our efforts to make Bolingbrook a place to grow!

Chicago Skepticamp registration is now extended to March 16.  The event is still scheduled for April 5 at the irish American Heritage Center, 4626 N Knox Ave, Chicago.  Participants can register here.

The following speakers are scheduled to appear:

10:40 Benjamin Zalisko
The Central Science: The Failure of Chemists to Engage the Public
Why does chemistry seems to lag so far behind the great traditions of public engagement like those in astrophysics, physics, and biology? Chemistry is the keystone of scientific literacy, however there remain cultural and technological challenges in meeting this need. Given its great importance, the resulting public ignorance and disinterest in chemistry yields broad and pervasive pseudoscientific ideas including homeopathy, GMO-phobia, crystal healing, and “organic” foods.
11:00 Abigail Durnett
That Thing That Happened Was A Lie
Ever wonder what historians actually do? Come find out what happens in the Ivory Tower and how skepticism fits into historical inquiry. Leave those test tubes behind, and don’t worry, no one will have to write an essay.
11:20 Martin Gannon
Ethics and Skepticism
The skeptical movement has 1) some basic interests, 2) a limited amount of resources, and 3) interactions with other people. This combination forces skepticism to deal with ethics. I want to give an outline for how skeptics can think about ethical problems.
11:40 Paul Gonley
Pseudo Science in the Business World
Companies have attempted to increase employee’s “soft skills” by introducing concepts like colors and strengths to categorize individuals. The hope is that this will allow employees to better understand their co-workers and themselves, but has it helped increase understanding or decreased our appreciation of the complexity of individuals?
~ Break ~
12:20 Eve Siebert
When Leif Met Bigfoot: The Myth of the Norse Discovery of Sasquatch
In an attempt to extend the history of Bigfoot sightings, many proponents have sought evidence of earlier encounters in myth, folklore, and literature. Some claim that Leif Eiriksson and the Norse explorers of the New World encountered Bigfoot, thus providing Sasquatch with a provenance that reaches back to the first European visits to the Americas. Is there any justification for these claims, and, if not, where did they come from?
12:40 Adam Chalom
Can You Be a Jewish Atheist?
Some question whether one can connect to a religious and cultural tradition like Judaism while not believing its supernatural claims of revelation and divine intervention. Modern skepticism goes far beyond the questioning allowed within traditional Judaism. Can one find footing in both worlds at the same time?
1:00 Matt Lowry
How Can Skeptics Communicate Better (with Non-Skeptics)?
This talk will be a series of anecdotes (gasp!) and advice based on my experiences on how to (and how NOT to) communicate with non-skeptics. Some come from interactions with my students and family, while others occurred in the digital wilderness of the Internet. Hopefully, you will be able to walk away with some tips on how to have a more productive conversation with that crazy uncle of yours the next time you see him.
1:20 Lunch
2:20 Derrick Bennett
Skeptical Trivia Challenge
A skeptical trivia contest with prizes. May the most skeptical player win!
2:40 Chris Long
“Personality” is Not Destiny – See Yourself Differently
Personality tests are everywhere, from job applications to Buzzfeed. Do they provide any accurate information, or just random feedback that sounds believable? Chris will present a simple, tested tool that can dramatically improve the way you communicate with yourself and others.
3:00 Mike Jarsulic
So You Think You’re a Realist?
An overview the debate in philosophy of science between scientific realists and anti-realists which attempts to answer whether the predictive success of a theory warrants belief in the unobservable entities (such as molecules and electrons) that it postulates.
~ Break ~
3:40 Ivan Phillips
Intelligence versus Rationality
Why do so many brilliant people subscribe to preposterous theories? There is a difference between intelligence and rationality. It often requires creative genius to invent a theory and to show that the theory is self-consistent, but it takes rationality to show that the theory is probably true.
4:00 Faisal Saeed Al-Mutar
My Vision for 21st Century Humanism
As a huge proponent of religious freedom, I assert that humans have the right to believe and do whatever they want as long as their actions or beliefs do not harm somebody else or limit the freedom of another individual to do and believe whatever he or she prefers. The only way to ensure and maintain religious freedom is to have a separation of Mosque and State or Church and State.
4:20 Dan Price
Unpacking Skepticism: Philosophy and Argumentation for the Doubting
“How do you know?” It’s my favorite question. In skepticism, we ask a lot of questions. How do we know what to believe or what we know, at all? This is often where you have to start when discussing why you should be skeptical. I aim to discuss some of the philosophy of this area and offer some practical tools for these sorts of discussions.
4:40 Louise Kellar
The Places I Go So You Don’t Have To
Darwin, Hitler, abortion and saddled dinosaurs ..why I voluntarily go to creationist events!


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

From the Village of Bolingbrook!

Dear Babbler readers:

In cooperation with the National Security Agency, the Village of Bolingbrook will be temporarily managing this web site.  We appreciate your cooperation, and ask that you do not follow The Bolingbrook Babbler's Twitter feed.

Instead, please enjoy this video featuring Bolingbrook's Mayor Roger Claar.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

From the Village of Bolingbrook!

Dear Babbler readers:

In cooperation with the National Security Agency, the Village of Bolingbrook will be temporarily managing this web site.  We appreciate your cooperation, and ask that you do not follow The Bolingbrook Babbler's Twitter feed.

Instead, please enjoy this video featuring Bolingbrook's Mayor Roger Claar.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

From the Village of Bolingbrook!

Dear Babbler readers:

In cooperation with the National Security Agency, the Village of Bolingbrook will be temporarily managing this web site.  We appreciate your cooperation, and ask that you do not follow The Bolingbrook Babbler's Twitter feed.

Instead, please enjoy this video featuring Bolingbrook's Mayor Roger Claar.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, March 3, 2014

From the Village of Bolingbrook!

Dear Babbler readers:

In cooperation with the National Security Agency, the Village of Bolingbrook will be temporarily managing this web site.  We appreciate your cooperation, and ask that you do not follow The Bolingbrook Babbler's Twitter feed.

Instead, please enjoy this video featuring Bolingbrook's Mayor Roger Claar.



Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, March 2, 2014

A message from the Village of Bolingbrook

Dear Babbler readers:

In cooperation with the National Security Agency, the Village of Bolingbrook will be temporarily managing this web site.  We appreciate your cooperation, and ask that you do not follow The Bolingbrook Babbler's Twitter feed.

In the mean time, please enjoy this interview with Bolingbrook's Mayor Roger Claar.


Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.