Thursday, January 30, 2014

New World Order unveils College of Curiosity at FTBCon Interstellar

New World Order employee Jeff Wagg
By Reporter X

The New World Order unveiled it’s new pro-science initiative, College of Curiosity during FTBCon Interstellar 2 held at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base.

“We want to use the power of human curiosity and creativity to promote a scientific understanding of the universe.”  Said Jeff Wagg, the NWO Liaison for Clow UFO Base. Wagg explained that this is part of the NWO program to help humanity reach the goals set by the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science.  Once humanity receives the AAAS’s approval, aliens will publicly reveal themselves, and offer full membership into the Interstellar Community.

Wagg also stressed that College of Curiosity is not intended to replace the skeptical movement, which has worked to encourage humanity’s support of science and critical thinking since the 1970s.

“This is a completely different program.”  Stressed Operative Klx 27.  “This is for people who may feel alienated by the tactics of the skeptical movement.  Instead of teaching people to “debunk” things, we encourage their curiosity, and show them that science can provide the answers they’re looking for.”

“We can debate who can be skeptical and who can’t.”  Added Wagg.  “Everyone, however, is curious.  So right away, the College of Curiosity is very inviting to the general public.”

Though the college won’t provide actual degrees, it will organize field trips, live performances, conferences, and have an Internet presence.  

Wagg then introduced Thom Britton, who performs a one man show called Freak Show and Tell.  Britton impressed the audience, as well as the estimated 12 Trillion viewers by demonstrating sword swallowing, fire eating, and walking on glass.  Afterwards he explained the physics behind his performance.

“This is what we want to do with College of Curiosity.”  Said Wagg.  “We want it to be fun, and educational!  Education is fun!”

Britton then announced that he had just learned a circus side show trick from Kepler 62.  He placed a box on platform, walked several feet away, then drew a red line on the stage floor.

“As most of you already know, a black hole is the most powerful force in the universe.  The line I just drew is where the event horizon will be once I turn that box into a black hole.”  He walked to within a few inches of the line.  “If I step over that line, I will enter a place where even light cannot escape.”

Britton then pulled out a remote control and pressed a button.  The box imploded and shrank until it was no longer visible.  Seconds later a black sphere appeared and rapidly expanded, extending beyond the line.  In a fraction of a second, Britton seemed to be compressed into spaghetti-like strands, and sucked into the black sphere.

Wagg activated a forcefield that surrounded the sphere.  

“Oh no!”  Cried Wagg.  “Thom miscalculated and is now trapped inside the event horizon.”

The sphere suddenly gave off a purple flash of light, then vanished.

“The black hole just evaporated into Hawking Radiation.  No living creature could have survived!!”

Britton walked in through the front entrance of the auditorium.  

“Except me!”  He yelled.

The audience gave him a standing ovation.  Britton said he would explain the trick next year.

After the presentation, many in the audience seemed eager to support College of Curiosity.  

“This is much more fun that a skeptics convention.”  Said Xi Chogon, resident from Sirius.  “Except Chicago Skepticamp, of course.  I’m going to ask Jeff how many asteroids I should mine so he can realize his vision.

PZ Myers, head blogger at Freethought Blogs, and co-organizer of FTBCon 2, seemed less impressed.

“It is an interesting idea.”  Said Myers.  “I’ll have to think about it.  At the very least, the next time I quote Jeff on my blog, I won’t use the Comic Sans font.”

FTBCon Interstellar 2 is a convention organized by the Freethought Blogs network  and the Atheist Interstellar Broadcasting Corporation.   The two day Interstellar portion of the convention was broadcast throughout the Milky Way Galaxy.

Starting Friday, the public portion of the convention will be live streamed over the Internet and last until Sunday evening.  A schedule of events and feeds, can be found on the FTBcon 2 web page.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Chicago CFI’s feline fellows to speak at Women in Secularism 3

CFI Feline Fellow Cassie to speak at Women in Secularism 3
Chicago Center for Inquiry announced that their three feline fellows will be making presentations at the Women in Secularism 3 conference May 16 through May 18.  The conference will be held in Alexandria, VA.

“Women in Secularism has always been about interectionality.”  Said CFI communications director Paul Fidalgo in a secret meeting with Chicago area skeptics and humanists.  “Our feline fellows will provide conference goers with the ultimate intersection of animal rights, feminism, and humanism!”

The three cats, Anti-psychic Kitty, Andy, and Cassie, were breed as part of a secret project within the skeptical movement to create pets who radiate anti-psychic energy.  Only Anti-psychic kitty has that power.  All three cats have genus level IQs and can communicate by either walking on a keyboard or using special translation collars.  At the conference, the cats will be wearing protective suits so they can be around attendees with cat allergies.

Cassie, who spoke at the controversial Women in Secularism 2.1 conference, will give a talk on what feminists can learn from their cats.  

“Some say that if we give human women too much power and choices in their lives, it will destroy families.  As cats, we know this not to be true.  We form loving bonds with our human caretakers, even though we can groom ourselves, and don’t need constant reassurance.”

All three cats will be leading a mandatory Feminism 101 workshop for all CFI staff attending the conference.

“Many feminists tell us that they’re tired of having to explain Feminism 101 over and over again.”  Said Anti-psychic kitty.  “So we’re going to do it for them this year.”

“We don’t expect everyone attending to agree with all of feminism.”  Added Cassie, “We just want them to understand what it is so they can make relevant criticisms if they choose to.”

Said Anti-psychic Kitty, “We don’t want a situation where a high ranking CFI official attacks the audience based on anti-feminist stereotypes .”

“It would be like CFI organizing a conference with the Society for Humanistic Judaism, and then having one of our leaders criticizing the attendees based on anti-semitic stereotypes.”  Added Cassie  “That would be embarrassing for the organization.”

Added Anti-psychic Kitty, “Especially if he didn’t welcome the Jewish attendees to the conference, and then went out of his way to welcome an anti-semite blogger to the conference.  Our workshop hopes to prevent an incident like that.”

In addition to being guests of honor at secret fundraising dinners, the cats will also attend a special summit meeting with CFI Washington DC’s Canine fellows.

“They were nice enough to send us a letter in Lolcat.”  Said Andy, “So I am learning to speak Doge!”

Andy then turned towards a toy mouse, and tilted his head.

“Wow!  So shiny.  Such whiskers.  So still.  Very floor.  Much play!”

Andy then charged at the toy mouse and started batting at it with his claws.  Seconds later, he picked up the mouse, walked over to his human caretaker, and dropped it.  The caretaker picked up the mouse, and threw it across the room.  Andy darted after it, picked it up and then walked back to his caretaker.  He dropped the mouse again and looked up at him.

“I think his creator used dog genes when creating him.”  Said Anti-psychic Kitty.

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets launch another winter blast at Chicago
Bolingbrook Tea Party demands privatization of all roads
Sources: Mayor Claar’s autobiography to be called ‘The Internet was wrong about me!’

God to smite Bolingbrook on 2/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Opposition parties respond to the 2014 State of the Village address

Each year, we ask Bolingbrook’s opposition parties to respond to Mayor Roger Claar’s state of the Village address.  This year, The Roger Claar Party (Not affiliated with Roger Claar), The Bolingbrook International Socialist Organization, The Skepchick Party, and Art Bell Party responded.

The Roger Claar Party
“A great mayor deserves a great party!”

Roger came out fighting during this year’s speech.  While The Chicago Tribune floods the mayor of FOIA requests, Roger is busy bring new businesses into Bolingbrook.  New businesses means new jobs, and some of our residents could use new jobs.  New jobs require cheap water, and he’s bucking his own party by fighting to liberate our water supply from big business.  His fighting spirit is what makes Bolingbrook the best suburb in the world!

Yet the speech had a troubling undertone.  He once again hinted that that could be his last term.  He even said some foolish people believe this should be his last term.  After all he’s done, how could anyone oppose Roger?  Oppose him they do, and it’s obviously having an affect on him.

It doesn’t have to be this way.  Imagine if Roger had a village board that fully supported him.  Imagine board members that did more than approve his genius policies.  What if there were board members willing to knock on every door to find over-occupied homes?  What if there were board members willing to organize a boycott of Tribune advertisers until The Tribune leaves Roger alone?  What if there was a board that truly supported Roger?

In 2015, you won’t have to wonder.  By signing our nominating petitions and voting for us, you will give Roger the village board he deserves.  Who knows?  Maybe when he makes his 2016 speech, he’ll be talking about how he can’t wait to be the first 100 year old mayor of Bolingbrook!

David Nelson
Chairman of the Roger Claar Party

The Bolingbrook Internationalist Socialist Organization
“Trotsky’s revolution starts in Bolingbrook!”

It’s great that Roger wants to socialize Bolingbrook’s water supply.  However, there can never be cheap water until there is a global socialist revolution guided by the principles of Leon Trotsky!  

Bolingbrook cannot be reformed!  Roger Claar has profited from the coffers of Bolingbrook’s 1 percent.  When he leaves office, they will still hold the reigns of power in Bolingbrook.  Any future mayor will only be their puppet.  

Any change to Bolingbrook must must come from a revolution.  Better snow removal, better schools, better homes.  All of those can only be achieved through revolution!  You have nothing to lose but your chains if you put us in charge.

Our party is the only one with the revolutionary knowledge to lead the proletariat to victory!  We will show the proletariat how to run their lives as well as the means of production!  Our successful takeover of Bolingbrook will inspire other cities and villages to join us.  The 1 percent will fight back, yes, but isn’t a socialist paradise worth fighting for?

Ask yourselves this question?  The Dark Knight Rises tried to make a people’s uprising look like hell.  Yet the people were fed, the streets were clean, houses were heated, crime wasn’t an issue.  We’ll do the same to Bolingbrook.  You’ll only have to worry if you’re an unrepentant me member of the 1 percent!

Bolingbrook unite!  You nothing to lose but your chains, your restaurant tax, and Roger campaign fund!

Comrade X
Party Chairperson

The Skepchick Party
"The Good People of Bolingbrook deserve a great party!"

We think Roger gave a good speech, and he has done some great things for Bolingbrook, but he comes from a different era.  When he was first elected Mayor, Ronald Reagan was still President, skepticism was dominated by rich white males, and the public wasn’t aware of the Internet.

Today the Internet is the gathering place for the world.  The lines between real life and Internet life are almost erased.  Yet Roger distrusts articles published on the Internet because he thinks the screens are too small?

Religious belief is declining in this country, yet the village web page doesn’t include listings of Unitarian, Ethical Union, or Humanist organizations.  

It is great that Claar has promoted women and people of color into positions of power in local government, but ultimately he controls all the decisions made on behalf of Bolingbrook.  Those who try to run against Roger are silenced by his campaign machine.  

While Roger has done many great things over the years, we think it is time for a different vision for Bolingbrook.

We believe in a Bolingbrook that has open access to the Internet.  You should decide what web sites you want to visit, and that choice shouldn’t be taken away by back room deals by ISPs.

We believe that Internet threats should be taken seriously, and we will create guidelines to help the Bolingbrook Police deal with these threats.  In real life, a man can be arrested for trying to coax minor female into a car.  On the Internet, we tell that young girl to deal with it if that man sent her unwelcome e-mails.

We believe that science and skepticism should be promoted.  In addition to hosting a church directory, we believe there should also be a directory of pro-science organizations.  In fact, we’ll go so far as to converting the Bolingbrook Golf Club into the best natural museum and nature preserve ever!

Finally, we’ll make sure that Bolingbrook has access to the best Vegan food and restaurants.  

We’re back in Illinois, and we hope you’ll help us make Bolingbrook an even more awesome place to live!

Paula
Coordinator 

Art Bell Party
"Keeping an eye on Bolingbrook’s skies"

This speech was a waste of time.  Until Roger is willing to come clean about Clow UFO base, he shouldn’t give such boring speeches.

Just as Art Bell has returned, so have we.  We promise full disclosure of Clow UFO Base, and of the outside forces trying to dominate Bolingbrook.

We also promise to protect the local Bigfoot population, while supporting efforts to keep irresponsible weredeer away from our women!

We also support the right to gun ownership, and the right to own any weapon that can shoot down a UFO.  You have the right not to be abducted!

We’re sorry we took a break, but now the dark forces of Bolingbrook are going to be even more sorry that we’re back!

Don Williamson
President of the Art Bell Party

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook laughs off latest weather attack
Claar: Chi-Fi Interstellar is still set for March 29 at Clow UFO Base
Man sees image of Roger Claar at the Bolingbrook Golf Club

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/22/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 12, 2014

Aliens to help enforce Bolingbrook’s ‘One House One Family’ policy

By Reporter X

Aliens abducting Bolingbrook residents will now be required to report on the number of individuals living in the abductee’s home.

Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs announced change to the abduction licensing requirement this week.  The move is designed to help the village’s new crackdown on over occupied homes.  A policy some critics have dubbed “One Family, One Home.”

Explained village spokesperson Michelle Z. Xian, “As (Mayor Roger Claar) explained, we can’t overtly search people’s homes without a court order.  The courts won’t issue the police a warrant unless we provide a reasonable suspicion that the residents inside are criminals.  We have no choice but to turn to our interstellar visitors for assistance.”

Aliens scientists are required to get a license from the village before abducting any residents.  Before this month, aliens only had to pay for a year long license, and report any illegal alien technology found in a Bolingbrook residence.  With the change, the scientists are now required to conduct a census of their subject’s home.  If the home is deemed to be over occupied, as described by the municipal code, the department will send an anonymous tip to the Bolingbrook police department.  

Xian, along with other sources in the department, defend the new requirement saying it will reduce crime and improve the quality of life in Bolingbrook.

Explained Xain, “Residents in single family homes expect to live next to other single family homes.  Over occupied homes cause increased traffic, burden our trash collection, and increase of probably of inappropriate residents living in these neighborhoods.”

Xain would not define “inappropriate.”  She did add, “If anyone wants to live in a multi-family home in Bolingbrook they should consider living in one of our fine apartments complexes.”

Rob X. Potter, head of Bolingbrook’s Art Bell Party, denounced the plan.

“It bad enough that aliens are abducting us.  Now Roger wants to use them to circumvent the Bill of Rights.  This is unacceptable.  As long as I maintain the exterior of my house, I should be able to house as many people as I want!  We don’t need aliens snooping around.  If it weren’t for their advanced technology, I’d shoot the first one that trespassed on my property!”

Potter also added that Bolingbrook’s abduction licenses exclude certain addresses from being targeted for abductions.  According to Potter, that means certain individuals could rent out rooms with impunity, while others could face legal problems.

Xain replied that the village has other ways of enforcing its building codes that don't involved aliens.

Thom, who asked that we not use his last name, says he rents out rooms in his home, but is concerned about the new rules.

“First Roger cuts down on the number of rooms I can rent out, then he increases the property tax.  Is he trying to price people out of Bolingbrook?”

Jed, who rents from Thom, is concerned.

“I pay my rent.  I shop in Bolingbrook.  I don’t cause any problems in the neighborhood.  Now I’m in danger of being thrown out of the village.  If they don’t want poor people living in Bolingbrook, why don’t they just set a minimum income requirement instead of playing these games?”

Paul, who also asked that we not use his last name, feels that the policy could actually divide families.

“I have two daughters who are married.  I love them both.  I’m worried that if they have kids and the economy forces them to move back in with me, what will happen if the villages decides my home is over occupied?  Will I have to put one of the children up for adoption?  Will one of my daughters have to get a divorce?  Will I have to make a donation to Roger’s campaign fund to keep my extended family together? Of all the ideas the DuPage Independent Party came up with, Roger had to choose cracking down on home occupancy?  It’s enough to make me say, ‘(expletive deleted) you Bonnie!’”

The receptionist for Claar said he was busy and could could not comment.

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I don’t care if you are a poly-whatever!  I just don’t want your home overflowing with so-called partners.  Maybe some of them can buy a second home and improve my tax base!”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook Officer:  That was a screensaver, not a video poker game!
Bolingbrook survives Soviet weather attacks
Chicago rescues Lake Michigan monster from the ice

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/15/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

Chicago Skeptics to host Skepticamp 2014 on April 5

After our last article about The Chicago Skeptics, their leader requested that we run their most recent press release in the interest of giving them equal time.  We accepted and below is more information about this year's Skepticamp.

The Chicago Skeptics will be hosting their third Skepticamp on April 5, 2014.  Chicago Skepticamp 2014 will be returning to the Irish American Heritage Center, located at 4626 N. Knox Ave., Chicago, IL  60630.  Doors will open at 10:30 am. The event will run from 11 am to 6 pm.

Skepticamps are informal, lively gatherings promoting science and critical thinking.  Participants are encouraged to discuss and question both traditional skeptical topics and new subjects.  Attendance is free, though all attendees are encouraged to help by either speaking, helping set up/clean up, or by making a donation.  No one, however, will be turned away because they don’t have a specific task or for lack of funds.

Last year’s event attracted approximately 175 attendees, compared to the 100 people who attended Skepticamp 2012.   Last years topics ranged from psychology to Electronic Voice Phenomena (EVP) to evolution.    

Over 100 people are expected to attend Chicago Skepticamp 2014.  Everyone interested in attending Chicago Skepticamp 2014 can register at http://chicagoskeptics.net.  General registration will be open until March 1, 2014.  The deadline for speaker registration is February 1.

Founded in 2006, Chicago Skeptics seeks to promote science and critical-thinking skills. Chicago Skeptics sponsors speakers and organizes discussion groups, as well as an array of social events such as concerts, book club meetings and science-centric field trips.  Past events include speeches by Hemant Mehta, Brian Dunning, and Rebecca WatsonGeorge Hrab has performed three concerts for Chicago Skeptics.

More information about Chicago Skeptics can be found at http://chicagoskeptics.net/.  Chicago Skeptics are also on Twitter @chicagoskeptics.


Additional information about Skepticamps around the world can be found at http://skepticamp.org.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction, Chicago Skepticamp 2014 is a real event.

Sources: Soviets threaten to drop the temperature to absolute zero!

Could the next Soviet cold weather attack bring temperatures to absolute zero?  Anonymous Bolingbrook officials say the Soviets have threatened to do just that, and Bolingbrook isn’t prepared.

“There’s no way to protect a community when the temperature drops to -459.67 F!”  Said one source.  “We’d need to build underground bunkers with nuclear reactors to have a chance at surviving!”

Absolute zero is the lowest possible temperature, scientists say.  At this temperature, all molecular motion stops.  The atmosphere in the affected area would solidify.  Anyone standing outside at the time would die instantly.  Survivors would be trapped in their shelters until the air could turn back into a gas.

The record low temperatures expected for this week are the result of what some are calling a polar vortex.  Some say the Soviet Union, mistakenly thought to have been destroyed in 1991, are using a Tesla Weather Machine to bring warm air from the south to the North Pole, and send the arctic air to the South.  Not only do the Soviets want to freeze North America, but, according to some experts believe, want to warm the arctic enough to allow them to exploit it’s oil and mineral resources.

Said another source, “Once they have the resources of the arctic, they’ll resume their quest of conquer the world!  No one will be able to stop them, unless we abolish Social Security, Obamacare, and Food Stamps.  We’ll need to give the military as much money as possible!”

Sources within Village Hall say Bolingbrook, along with the mayors in 2/3 of the country received a a threat from the Soviet Union that unless they surrendered, The Soviets would drop the temperature to absolute zero.

“You will see what our weather control machine can achieve at only one percent power.” Read the alleged threat.  “We hope you will become our comrades after you have tasted the bitter cold.  If not, we will have no choice but to use our machine at 100 percent power.  Do us a favor and embrace world communism.  Your residents will realize that it is better to be Red than dead.”

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, according to the sources, sent a one word reply to the Soviets.  “Nuts.”

When asked to comment, Claar only replied, “This cold weather is no joke!  Get your pets indoors right away,  Keep a small trickle of water running so your pipes don’t freeze.  If you let other families in your home, kick them out once the temperature rises above zero!  If you have no heat in your homes, find the nearest warming center.  Also tell your readers to stop complaining about property taxes!  Would you rather I increase the taxes on local factories and businesses?”

Also in The Babbler:

Official fear cold weather will lead to weredeer home invasions

Bolingbrook Tea Party protests property tax increase by attacking poor people
Yeti spotted in Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 1/7/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.