Sunday, December 7, 2014

Web Exclusive: Atheist TV to stream Christmas special

American Atheists will debut their 2014 Christmas special on the Atheist TV web channel during Christmas Day, sources say.

“We realized that the Internet is a giant billboard.”  Said one source who claims to be a member of American Atheists.  “So what better use of a billboard than to make an hour long program that will offend religious people?  Heck, the Internet is better than a billboard campaign, because religious nut cases can’t take down our content!”

Another source, Doug, showed clips from the alleged program.  In the first clip, AA president David Silverman is singing and throwing wooden religious symbols in to a pile.  He is then handed a menorah with nine lit candles.

“Let’s stop all this jive!”  He sings, then throws the menorah into the pile.  The pile ignites into a bonfire and he sings, “And burn down all the lies!”  After holding the note for “lies” for several seconds, he stops and the song ends.  “Burn down all the lies!”  He says, then winks at the camera.

Explained Doug.  “We approached this like a 70s style Christmas TV variety show special.  That means you’ll get to see the hidden talents of our staff.  I think people will love Danielle Muscato’s rendition of ‘Jingle Bells’, and Amanda Knief’s dramatic reading of ‘No, Virginia  there’s isn’t a Santa Claus or a God!’”

Doug also added that the hour long special will feature several guest stars.

“I’m looking forward to Ayaan Hirsi Ali’s duet with a Mohammad impersonator as they sing, ‘Anything You Can Do.’”

Another of Doug clips shows a musical number that starts with atheist video blogger Jaclyn Glenn and conservative video blogger Christina Hoff Sommers  standing in a TV studio with wintery decorations.

Sommers:  The wage gap between men and women is only a few cents.  *Sings* But what’s a few cents between friends?
*Glenn nods*
Sommers:  (Talks) You know, Jaclyn, with all the advantages women have in our society, I think it’s only fair that women should at least give a few cents back to men.
Glenn:  Exactly.  It’s just like Mario giving Luigi a head start?
Sommers:  Luigi?  Mario?
Glenn:  They’re from the video game scene.
Sommers:  Ah.  Something that makes the fake feminists scream.
*The both start tap dancing.  Later, a much older woman tap dances into the scene.*
Glenn:  Who is she?
Sommers:  Why, that’s your Based Grandmother, Phyllis Schlafly!

Added Doug, “Phyllis is going to be really mad when she finds out what she was actually a part of, but it was so worth it!”

Doug also showed another clip to prove that the special would, “have something for all freethinkers.”  

The clip starts with a diverse group of college students sitting in a lobby, looking sad.  The owner of Freethought Blogs, Ed Brayton walks in.

Brayton: Hello!
Students:  It’s Ed Brayton.
*Ashley F. Miller walks in with a ukulele*
Student 1:  It’s  Ashley F. Miller!  What are you doing in Michigan?  You must be so cold!
Miller:  When the Secular Student Alliance told me that there were students in distress during the holiday season, I had to come out and help!
Brayton:  So what’s the problem?
Student 2:  Tim Minchin canceled his concert because of the winter storm.  The religious students are being entertained by their churches, and we’re bored.
Brayton:  Well we can fix that.  I’ll entertain you with stories of Christian Right Wing stupidity!
Miller:  I’ll also help with by intersecting my singing voice with my ukulele playing!
*Students cheer*
Student 1:  You two are the best.
Student 3:  Wait!  I’m glad you two are here, but I really wanted to hear a live performance of “White Wine in the Sun.”
*Brayton and Miller look at each other.*
Brayton:  We can do that.
*Students cheer as Miller starts playing*

When asked to comment, Muscato would neither confirm or deny the story.

“Your readers should just tune into Atheist TV on December 25.  Either they will see this alleged special, or they will watch hours of quality atheist videos.  Either way, we win.  That’s much better than Pascal’s Wager.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman said, “You’re saying that supporting protests against police violence in the black community would be a more effective minority outreach effort than putting up a billboard comparing Christianity to slavery?  Whoa!  That’s some serious mission drift!  There are police officers who are atheists and we don’t want to offend them.  We need their donations too.  Hello?”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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