|Will Jay Cutler be the next Chicago Bears Coach?|
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Every December, The Babbler gathers Bolingbrook’s finest psychics to predict next year’s major events. Last year, our psychics did a remarkable job when compared to the average non-psychic. They predicted that a connection between Patheos and Freethought Blogs would be revealed. No they didn’t merge, but Patheos does manage the ads that appear on Freethought Blogs, so that counts. Once again, the Bears didn’t make the Super Bowl.
Now we didn’t everything right, but we’re happy with what we did get right. Sometimes printing predictions of the future will change the future. Plus the psychics might have seen the correct future, but the visions were fuzzy and were incorrectly recorded.
With that in mind, we invite you to read our predictions for 2015. Unless, of course, you want the new year to be a surprise.
After his inauguration, Illinois Governor Bruce Rauner will suddenly have a family emergency in the Bahamas. He will leave the country in the middle of the night. Two days later, the US District Attorney’s office will announce that they are charging Rauner with accepting illegal campaign contributions.
Undeterred, Rauner announces that Illinois will immediately be part of an inversion deal with a Bahaman corporation. He will then fire the Illinois State Assembly and replace them with Chinese social studies exchange students.
“I told you I would run Illinois like a business.” He will say.
The rest of 2015 will see Illinois government paralyzed while the courts sort out the legality of Rauner’s actions.
Early in 2015, The Bears will announce that Quarterback Jay Cutler will also serve as the head coach and general manager. Which would be an unprecedented decision in the history of the NFL.
“You guys in the media say I’m un-coachable!” Cutler will complain. “That’s not fair! NFL coaches’s schemes are unplayable! You can’t expect me to win if the coaches are calling crappy plays and giving me horrible instructions! Hell, coaches are so bad in the NFL, they couldn’t even use Tim Tebow. Even a college coach could figure him out. Since I’ve joined the NFL coaches have been screwing me over. There are fans out there who think I don’t deserve my salary because of coaching decisions I had no say over. It’s not fair that they put our team in desperate situations, and then expect me to bail them out. No more! From now on, the only person screwing me is going to be my wife!”
Facing a rapidly declining workforce, and rapidly aging population, Japan will be forced to relax its immigration laws and create incentive programs for Westerners to move to Japan. One of those programs includes paying off US student loans in exchange for living in Japan for at least 10 years.
“This is a great program.” One student will say. “My job sucked, and I wanted to move to a new place where I could start over! There are so much empty space here, that anyone can build their dreams here if they try really hard! Unlike those immigrants who are ruining America!”
Despite protests from conservatives in both countries, thousands of Millennials will decide to “turn Japanese.”
Though it will still be fighting to seize the lake water pipeline from American Lake Water Co., The Northern Will County Water Agency will announce plans to build a new pipeline from Lake Michigan to California.
“It’s simple.” Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar will say. “California needs water, and eventually we will have water to give them. We’ll make a ton of money off this deal.”
The plan will eventually be canceled, but not after the agency receives “consulting fees” from water agencies across the country.
The Babbler’s secret project will be released in 2015, offending many professional atheist activists.
Idaho militia members will fire model rockets into Canada to protest the alleged influx of muslim terrorists from the North. Canada responds by launching an invasion of the United States.
“For all practical purposes, the United States has no government.” A Canadian spokesperson will say. “It is a lawless rouge state filled with armed lunatics who have grown tired of shooting each other and now want to shoot us because they hate our freedom.”
The world will be surprised when the US is defeated, and the Canadian flag flies over the Capitol Building. Thus extending Canada’s winning streak over the United States.
At gun point, the Senate agrees to turn control over the Pacific Northwest and the Northern Planes to Canada as part of a “buffer zone.” The US will also turn over it’s Security Council veto powers to Canada.
Thousands of Americans will be forced from their farms and business while Canadians will build settlements that will “make the fields bloom and the cows happy.”
Said one settler. “When we moved to Idaho sector, it was just desert. But we converted this abandoned building into a potato farm. The American were too busy shooting each other to do anything productive with this land.”
Despite protests from the UN, the Canadian army will continue to conduct “limited” operations in the remaining states to destroy “terrorist arms caches.”
“We don’t want to kill American civilians.” Another spokesperson will say. “But as long as they give their children guns, we’ll have to keep sending in drones to deal with potential terrorists! Besides, there’s no such thing as an American. They’re just a bunch of people who moved onto stolen Commonwealth land and started shooting each other. We’re just reclaiming the Greater Commonwealth for real Commonwealth citizens.”
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