Tuesday, December 2, 2014

Bolingbrook Police accused using the ‘Star Wars Holiday Special’ against suspects

Civil Liberties groups expressed outrage upon hearing rumors that the Bolingbrook Police show The Star Wars Holiday Special during interrogations.

“This is yet another example of law enforcement out of control!”  Said Paul Z. Jones, who claims to be a member of the Bolingbrook chapter of the American Civl Liberties Union.  “The American people suffered enough in 1978!  Now Bolingbrook is suffering again!”

The CBS special was broadcast in 1978, and is debatable how much influence George Lucas had during its production.  After being panned by critics and the Star Wars fans, it has never been rebroadcast or released on video.  Those who haven’t suppressed the show from their memories claim it is painful to watch, and even worse than the Star Wars Prequels.  Some Star Wars fan have called the show a crime against humanity.

According to sources within the police department, a detective was watching the show while having lunch with a suspect.  After 10 minutes, the sources say the suspect confessed to robbing a home.

“I’d never see anything like it.”  Said an officer who asked not to be identified.  “I wasn’t really paying attention to the show.  I just wanted to see if the WiFi worked in the interrogation room.  The suspect asked for a lawyer, so I had time to kill.  Suddenly, he started screaming in pain.  He said he’d tell me anything if I would just stop playing it.  I guess old George knew what he was doing.”

Another officer claims that the show helped crack a local carjacking ring.

“I was playing part of it, when my suspect started having problems breathing.  I asked him what was wrong, and he said he couldn’t believe anyone could make 70s era Jefferson Starship suck.  I told him if he didn’t come clean I would skip to the Bea Arthur duet with the Cantina band.  That worked wonders.”

Officers, according to the sources, noticed that the show worked too well.

“I saw this guy steal cigarettes at a gas station.  So I thought I’d play the show in his cell to make him confess.  The problem is, everyone in lockup confessed to the crime.  So I ended helping his lawyer more than my case.  Civil rights suck!  But you didn’t hear me say that!”

Finally, the sources agree, Bolingbrook's village attorney advised the police department not to use the show during interrogations.  The attorney explained that the video was pirated copy, and it’s contents have been considered a form of torture.  

“It is so horrendous,” He allegedly said, “The Ferguson police won’t use it.  Think about that.”

A spokesperson for the police department refused except to say that he hoped the police would have the opportunity to test their new tank on a newspaper office.

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the police department would never knowing use a pirated video tape during interrogations.

In the background, and man who sounded like Claar yelled, “No, I will not ban the new Star Wars movie because it has a black Stormtrooper.  Did it ever occur to you that maybe the Empire finally realized that Jango Fett clones were a waste of money?  You saw how they fared against the Ewoks!” 

Also in The Babbler:

CFI Feline Fellows to attend 2015 convention
Gamergate announces campaign against reality
Claar to take vacation on Venus

God to smite Bolingbrook on 12/5/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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