Monday, November 17, 2014

Sources: Mayor Claar has hidden cryogenic chamber in Rocket Ice Arena

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has a cryogenic chamber hidden inside Rocket Ice Arena, anonymous sources say.

The sources agree that that Claar is making mortgage payments for the chamber to the owner of Rocket Ice Arena, which resides in a building owned by the village.  As detailed by the Chicago Tribune, the chamber is paid for by limiting rent to 1 percent of the rink’s annual gross revenue, and by allowing the owner to use the building as collateral for business loans.  

“It’s a good thing that Tribune reporter didn’t find out about the chamber, or we’d really be in trouble.”  Said one of the sources.

According to the sources, Claar intends to have his body frozen if he ever gets a terminal illness or is near death.  It his intention, the sources say, that he be revived in 2065 just before the anniversary of Bolingbrook’s incorporation.

“The revival of the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook would be an excellent centennial gift to Bolingbrook.”  Said another source.  “Imagine what America’s bicentennial would have been like if a founding father had been revived.  Now imagine what the future residents of Bolingbrook are going to experience when Roger wakes up in their time!”

Other sources claim that other chambers have been added to Rocket since it was built in 1999.  These additional chambers are intended for members of Claar’s family, as well as close personal friends.

“He likes to think of the other chambers as incentives for certain residents to donate to his campaign fund.”  Said a third source.  "Also, he doesn't want to be alone in the future.  He'll need staffers in case he decides to run for mayor in the far future!"

When asked to comment, a manager of Rocket Ice Arena made unprintable comments before hanging up. 

A spokesperson for Claar denied that he was paying  for any cryogenic preservation or that the village would pay to have Claar preserved.

“Roger feels that an ice rink is a worthwhile investment in for Bolingbrook.  If it weren’t for the ice rink we would have been force to tear down a relatively new building.  Now the village gets to keep the building and get a little bit of revenue from it.  As long as the current owner doesn’t default on his loans of course.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not asking for the Blackhawks to move here.  You could start a really minor league hockey league team in Bolingbrook, and I will do my best to support it.  No?  Well would you at least consider moving the IceHogs here?  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Pagans lift curse placed on the Bears
Comet 67P matriarchy accepts Matt Taylor’s apology

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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