Monday, November 24, 2014

Martian Colonists deny detonating nuclear weapons on Mars.

By Reporter X.

Martian Colonial ambassador Okto Maguto angrily denied that the Martian Colonists have ever used nuclear weapons on Mars.

“Do we look like humans?”  Maputo asked the interstellar press corps.  “Do we look like the kind of beings that would use crude thermal nuclear devices to get what we want?”

Maguto's press conference followed the release of a Daily Mail article accusing the Martian Colonists of using nuclear weapons against a native Martian civilization.  In the article, physicist Dr John Brandenburg claims that two nuclear devices were used to wipe out two cities on Mars.  

“Once again, The Daily Mail has shown why it is synonymous with irresponsible journalism!”  Said Maguto.  “Let me make this perfectly clear, when we landed on Mars, it was already a dead planet.  When started tunneling under the surface, we found no signs of any civilizations.  Even if we wanted to destroy a civilization, which we don’t right now, we wouldn’t use nukes!  We would use antimatter bombs, particle beams, or just drop an asteroid on their sorry planet.”

According to interstellar historians, The Martian Colonists are from another galaxy are considered the most advanced race in the Milky Way Galaxy.  The colonists arrived on Mars several thousand year ago and established total control over it.  Human Space Agencies must get permission from the Colonists to explore Mars.  If they change their minds, they will destroy the probe without hesitation.

“Humanity is annoying.”  Said Maguto.  “You turn your planet into a garbage pit and fill your air with CO2.  Then they have the audacity to ask to colonize the surface of Mars.  If you want to put your dirty feet on our world, you will have to first shutdown The Daily Mail!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Mail insisted they did nothing wrong.  

“We’re just reporting what John said.  You can’t expect us to actually research our stoires.  Do you realize how boring our paper would be if we strove for accuracy?  

Brandenburg is also standing by his story.

“I don’t care what PZ Myers says!  Mars was attacked, and if we don’t send a manned expectation there soon, we’ll be next!”

Also in The Babbler:

Happy Thanksgiving
Martian Death Flu strikes Bolingbrook
Soviet Union unleashes snow attack on Chicagoland

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/14
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: