The following story is from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, based in Manchester, UK.
Comet 67P’s ruling matriarchy transmitted a protest to The European Space Agency hours after the Philae lander touched down.
According to sources within the agency, the rulers are not happy with the shirt worn by ESA research scientist Matt Taylor during the landing. The shirt depicts scantly clad women in versus provocative poses. For reasons that are still not clear, Taylor wore the bowling shirt during the live broadcast and during interviews.
“You lied to us!” Started the transmission from the female rulers of 67P. “You said your culture wasn’t like the United States’s culture. You promised to send technology built by your finest minds to represent your sophisticated culture. Instead you sent a defective lander representing your dude bro culture!”
The rulers claimed responsibility for moving Philae into shaded area.
“If you don’t apologize for your lies, it would be a shame if your lander were to bounce into geyser and crash into your orbiter!”
The sources claim that the European Union is currently debating how to respond to the Matriarchy’s protest.
When asked to comment, an unnamed spokesperson for ESA denied they agency was in contact with any intelligent life on the comet.
“Don’t believe any of the conspiracy theories! The truth is that this was the first time we tired to land on a comet, and it didn’t go well the first two times we tried to land. Also, Mr. Taylor cannot comment at this time because he working with a fashion consultant. No we cannot name the consultant, but he is not charging the agency!”
In the background, a man who sounded like Taylor said, “Solid colors? Robes? I don’t know, Hugh. I like having pictures of women on my shirt.”
The man replied. “But if you follow my advice, you will have the right kind of women clinging to your shirt, if you know what I mean.”
“Now let’s talk about installing a real home entertainment system in your flat, and starting you on the path from slob to playboy!”