Thursday, November 27, 2014

Just asking questions about Thanksgiving

We hope all of our readers have a happy Thanksgiving and a safe Black Friday.  As has become a tradition at The Babbler, we're reposting a video by our columnist Dale Onofrey about the possible hidden secrets behind this all American holiday.  Remember, he's not saying its because of aliens...

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Martian Colonists deny detonating nuclear weapons on Mars.

By Reporter X.

Martian Colonial ambassador Okto Maguto angrily denied that the Martian Colonists have ever used nuclear weapons on Mars.

“Do we look like humans?”  Maputo asked the interstellar press corps.  “Do we look like the kind of beings that would use crude thermal nuclear devices to get what we want?”

Maguto's press conference followed the release of a Daily Mail article accusing the Martian Colonists of using nuclear weapons against a native Martian civilization.  In the article, physicist Dr John Brandenburg claims that two nuclear devices were used to wipe out two cities on Mars.  

“Once again, The Daily Mail has shown why it is synonymous with irresponsible journalism!”  Said Maguto.  “Let me make this perfectly clear, when we landed on Mars, it was already a dead planet.  When started tunneling under the surface, we found no signs of any civilizations.  Even if we wanted to destroy a civilization, which we don’t right now, we wouldn’t use nukes!  We would use antimatter bombs, particle beams, or just drop an asteroid on their sorry planet.”

According to interstellar historians, The Martian Colonists are from another galaxy are considered the most advanced race in the Milky Way Galaxy.  The colonists arrived on Mars several thousand year ago and established total control over it.  Human Space Agencies must get permission from the Colonists to explore Mars.  If they change their minds, they will destroy the probe without hesitation.

“Humanity is annoying.”  Said Maguto.  “You turn your planet into a garbage pit and fill your air with CO2.  Then they have the audacity to ask to colonize the surface of Mars.  If you want to put your dirty feet on our world, you will have to first shutdown The Daily Mail!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for The Mail insisted they did nothing wrong.  

“We’re just reporting what John said.  You can’t expect us to actually research our stoires.  Do you realize how boring our paper would be if we strove for accuracy?  

Brandenburg is also standing by his story.

“I don’t care what PZ Myers says!  Mars was attacked, and if we don’t send a manned expectation there soon, we’ll be next!”

Also in The Babbler:

Happy Thanksgiving
Martian Death Flu strikes Bolingbrook
Soviet Union unleashes snow attack on Chicagoland

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/29/14
Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, November 17, 2014

Sources: Mayor Claar has hidden cryogenic chamber in Rocket Ice Arena

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar has a cryogenic chamber hidden inside Rocket Ice Arena, anonymous sources say.

The sources agree that that Claar is making mortgage payments for the chamber to the owner of Rocket Ice Arena, which resides in a building owned by the village.  As detailed by the Chicago Tribune, the chamber is paid for by limiting rent to 1 percent of the rink’s annual gross revenue, and by allowing the owner to use the building as collateral for business loans.  

“It’s a good thing that Tribune reporter didn’t find out about the chamber, or we’d really be in trouble.”  Said one of the sources.

According to the sources, Claar intends to have his body frozen if he ever gets a terminal illness or is near death.  It his intention, the sources say, that he be revived in 2065 just before the anniversary of Bolingbrook’s incorporation.

“The revival of the greatest mayor in the history of Bolingbrook would be an excellent centennial gift to Bolingbrook.”  Said another source.  “Imagine what America’s bicentennial would have been like if a founding father had been revived.  Now imagine what the future residents of Bolingbrook are going to experience when Roger wakes up in their time!”

Other sources claim that other chambers have been added to Rocket since it was built in 1999.  These additional chambers are intended for members of Claar’s family, as well as close personal friends.

“He likes to think of the other chambers as incentives for certain residents to donate to his campaign fund.”  Said a third source.  "Also, he doesn't want to be alone in the future.  He'll need staffers in case he decides to run for mayor in the far future!"

When asked to comment, a manager of Rocket Ice Arena made unprintable comments before hanging up. 

A spokesperson for Claar denied that he was paying  for any cryogenic preservation or that the village would pay to have Claar preserved.

“Roger feels that an ice rink is a worthwhile investment in for Bolingbrook.  If it weren’t for the ice rink we would have been force to tear down a relatively new building.  Now the village gets to keep the building and get a little bit of revenue from it.  As long as the current owner doesn’t default on his loans of course.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “I’m not asking for the Blackhawks to move here.  You could start a really minor league hockey league team in Bolingbrook, and I will do my best to support it.  No?  Well would you at least consider moving the IceHogs here?  Hello?”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets fail to freeze out Bolingbrook
Pagans lift curse placed on the Bears
Comet 67P matriarchy accepts Matt Taylor’s apology

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/20/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: Comet 67P’s matriarchy protests arrival of Philae lander

The following story is from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, based in Manchester, UK.

Comet 67P’s ruling matriarchy transmitted a protest to The European Space Agency hours after the Philae lander touched down.

According to sources within the agency, the rulers are not happy with the shirt worn by ESA research scientist Matt Taylor during the landing.  The shirt depicts scantly clad women in versus provocative poses.  For reasons that are still not clear, Taylor wore the bowling shirt during the live broadcast and during interviews.

“You lied to us!”  Started the transmission from the female rulers of 67P.  “You said your culture wasn’t like the United States’s culture.  You promised to send technology built by your finest minds to represent your sophisticated culture.  Instead you sent a defective lander representing your dude bro culture!”

The rulers claimed responsibility for moving Philae into shaded area.

“If you don’t apologize for your lies, it would be a shame if your lander were to bounce into geyser and crash into your orbiter!”

The sources claim that the European Union is currently debating how to respond to the Matriarchy’s protest.

When asked to comment, an unnamed spokesperson for ESA denied they agency was in contact with any intelligent life on the comet.

“Don’t believe any of the conspiracy theories!  The truth is that this was the first time we tired to land on a comet, and it didn’t go well the first two times we tried to land.  Also, Mr. Taylor cannot comment at this time because he working with a fashion consultant.  No we cannot name the consultant, but he is not charging the agency!”

In the background, a man who sounded like Taylor said, “Solid colors?  Robes?  I don’t know, Hugh.  I like having pictures of women on my shirt.”

The man replied.  “But if you follow my advice, you will have the right kind of women clinging to your shirt, if you know what I mean.”


“Now let’s talk about installing a real home entertainment system in your flat, and starting you on the path from slob to playboy!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Bolingbrook Babbler web page turns 16

By Jenna Olson
Publisher of The Bolingbrook Babbler

It was 16 years ago this month that the first Bolingbrook Babbler article was published on the web.  To this day, readers debate whether we should have used Lewis University’s preferred spelling, or the one used by the copy editor at the time.  

Identity politics aside, the launch of our web site ushered in a new era for The Bolingbrook Babbler.  We became an internationally recognized source for the unbelievable truth about Bolingbrook.  Despite Mayor Roger Claar’s e-mails, we have put Clow UFO Base, the world’s largest urban UFO base, on the map.  

Even the global skeptical movement has been forced to deal with us.  Our staff members have spoken at TAM, the skeptic track at GenCon, and all but one of the Chicago Skepticamps.  The Skepchicks have written about us.  Doubtful News noticed us.  A Committee for Skeptical Inquiry said we ventured to the “Dark Side.”  Our webmaster faced off against PZ Myers in a Quizotron!  Those skeptics who want to deceive the world into believing that Bolingbrook is just a simple suburb were resisted by us.

As web site enters its 16th year, we realize that we can’t stand still.  Like every parent, we eventually have to give our teenager the keys to a car.  In our case, that means stepping up our online presence.  In the coming year, you can look forward to a new sister publication to join the Manchester Mumber, and The Red Deer Reporter.  If all goes according to plan, we should publish our first e-book next year.  We can’t release too details about it right now.  We can say that a flyer for the book was banned at Chicago Skepticamp 2014.  That’s their right, but they don’t have the right to keep you from reading our book!

As always, we’ll keep reporting on the unbelievable truth and those who wish to suppress it.  You won’t find stories about Roger Claar’s alien youth program, his interstellar vacations, or Lisle tree oligarchy anywhere else but in The Babbler!  

To the long time readers of our web page, thank you for your support.  To our new readers, welcome aboard, and feel free to look at our archive.  To all of our readers, we promise keep showing you that the truth is unbelievable!  

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Homeless veterans released from Clow UFO Base

Twenty homeless US veterans were released unharmed at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base after being held by a “sample collection” crew from the Quasta System.

“These brave men and women will once again be able to experience the freedom they have fought for.”  Said Paul Z. Tanger, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs.  “This is the greatest Veterans Day gift we could give them!”

According to Tanger, the Quasta craft was spotted within the Chicago area abducting homeless veterans.  When covert traffic control officials asked the crew if they had an abduction permit for Chicago, the commander of the ship, Gulp, said he left it in his other ship, and if they could wait two weeks, he could come back with the permits.

Instead, Clow’s security officials activated several anti-UFO tachyon gun near the UFO and told the commander to either surrender, or be shot down.  The commander surrendered and was escorted to Clow UFO Base.  Upon landing, the crew released the veterans, and were arrested.

According to sources within the Department of Interstellar Affairs, abducting veterans on Veterans Day is not allowed within Clow’s jurisdiction.  UFO crews must have permission for the New World Order to even observe a veteran during Veterans Day.  

“As of now, it appears this crew lack any authorization to perform any abductions, let alone interact with former US military personnel.”  Said Quasta.  

One of the veterans, who asked to be called Jerry, said the other abductees are in good health, and were only held in captivity for a few hours.

“Now I’m glad they gave us shelter from the cold weather, but we knew the cost was going to be pretty high.  I didn’t fight in Iraq just to be cut up like frog!”

Paul Q. Blake, the lawyer representing the Quasta crew, says it is all a simple misunderstanding.

“Sometimes it’s hard for our visitors to tell the difference between homeless veterans and homeless civilians.  It’s an honest mistake, and I expect my clients to be vindicated by the end of the week!”

Tanger said the veterans would be returned to the public after their memories were altered.  He added that they veterans would be assisted by the Will County Veterans Assistance Commission.

Said Tanger, “These people served our country.  After what these aliens put them through, it is only fair that we serve them the means to get back on their feet!”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets launch cold weather attack against Chicago
Witches accused of cursing Bears
Roger Claar Party gets donation from the Koch Brothers

God to smite Bolingbrook on 11/15/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Please stand by

Demons have possessed our computers and we are working with local religious leaders to solve the problem.

Sara Langston, Editor of The Bolingbrook Babbler.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.