Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Riot ends Jamie Kilstein/Dinesh D’Souza debate at Clow UFO Base

Godless comic Jamie Kilstein spotted at Clow UFO Base hours after a riot he participated in.
What was promoted by Clow UFO Base as a fiery debate between progressive atheist Jamie Kilstein and conservative Christian Dinesh D’Souza turned into a real riot.  By the time Clow’s security forces restored order, over 100 aliens and humans were detained.  Damage from the riot is estimated to be around $10 million dollars.

“We expected some figurative sparks from this debate.”  Said Jeff Wagg, The New World Order’s liaison to Clow UFO Base.  “We didn’t expect real fires 15 minutes in.”

 After the introductions in front of a crowd of aliens and humans, D’Souza started the debate with a 12 minute speech which many eyewitnesses described as rambling and confusing.  During the speech, D’Souza accused President Obama of stealing the Ebola virus from the Martian Colonies so he could use it to destroy the “civilized world.”  He added that Obama tried to be clever by starting the infection in Northwest Africa, but he wasn’t fooled.

“He actually reflected his father’s tribal hatred for those people and his own Islamic communist desire to destroy the civilized world by planting the seeds of its destruction in Liberia, a colony proudly founded by the United States, the greatest government in the universe!”

D’Souza also stated that the existence of alien Muslims proved the existence of Satan, while the existence of alien Christians proved the existence of God.

When it was Kilstein’s turn to speak, he said, “What the (Expletive Deleted) was that?”

Debate moderator Michael Nugent, who is also the president of Atheist Ireland, immediately declared D’Souza the winner of the debate.

“You used a naughty word.”  Nugent said.  “Mr. D’Souza didn’t use any.  So I must declare him the winner, and you must respect my decision if you want me to think of you as a rational person.”

When Kilstein used another profane word, Nugent said he required an hour of uninterrupted speaking time to explain his, “nuanced and reasonable” decision.

D’Souza interjected, “This is proof that conservative Christian humans are the superior form of life in all of the universe!”

Goz Goose, from the Large Magellanic Cloud Alliance, was the first to attempt to storm the stage.

“I thought it was a Blazagost decision, and I still do.  That debate moderation actually thought the presentation of an idea is more important than the actual idea.  I wanted to get into his face and yell, ‘You exist, dolgot!’  Then he would have to explain why he still existed even though I used a vulgarity to express my argument!”

Goose was immediately sprayed with a riot foam by The Men in Blue.  Instead of being intimidated, others in the audience rushed at the stage.  Seconds later, laser fire was exchanged between the crowd and security.

In the confusion, someone gave the order to have Kilstein arrested.  To everyone’s amazement, Kilstein defeated five Men in Blue in hand to hand combat.

“The Men in Blue fought him one at a time.”  Said an anonymous eyewitness.  “After he broke the arm of the fifth one, they finally realized that they needed to attack him as a group.”

Thirty minutes later, security finally restored order.  Kilstein was released after two hours in custody and suspended from Clow for three months.  No such restriction was placed on D’Souza.

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar promised an investigation into the cause of the riot and said that there would be policy changes implemented.

“As much as my political party loves guns, maybe it’s not a good idea to allow concealed weapons during emotional events like this.”

D’Souza’s parole officer refused to let this reporter speak with him.

Kilstein could not be reached for comment, but his wife and podcast co-host, Allison Kilkenny, did comment.

“Boy your publication is a big example of #newsfail.  Your informed readers might be interested in our new book, Newsfail!  I’m sure they’ll understand exactly what I’m talking about!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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