Monday, October 6, 2014

Naperville residents demand invasion of Bolingbrook to ‘fight ISIS’

Following the arrest of a Bolingbrook resident for allegedly attempting to join ISIS, some Naperville residents are demanding an invasion of Bolingbrook.

“We just can’t take the chance!”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “The police swore to serve and protect Naperville!  As a resident they serve, I’m ordering them to protect me by invading Bolingbrook, arresting every bearded resident, and forcing the remaining residents to become Christians!  It’s the only way!”

Many of the Naperville residents who spoke with The Babbler expressed their fear that Bolingbrook is now a “base of operations” for ISIS.  

“Secret Muslims have overrun Bolingbrook.”  Said Michael, who also asked that we not use his last name.  “Last summer I saw a bunch of them walking towards a building with prayer rugs.  When I confronted one of them, he tried to fool me into thinking that he was holding a beach towel and he was going to Pelican Harbor Aquatic Park.  I wasn’t fooled!  That was a prayer rug, and he was going to a semi-nude mosque!”

Jane X Silverton, also expressed her fears.  “Sure I don’t have any evidence that Bolingbrook is really a terrorist base.  The problem is, the only evidence we might find is a fleet of airplanes launching from Clow Airport and crashing into our downtown!  We can’t take that chance!  Our police officers have to move into Bolingbrook and pacify it before they behead all the good men and force women like me to cover up!”

A Naperville resident, who would only call himself Bulldog, plans to start an online petition to force the City of Naperville to “arrest, detain, and question” all Bolingbrook residents and to put Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar on trial for “committing war crimes against his critics.”

“Naperville must stop the muslim communist fascist atheistic dictatorship that hast festered for too long!  We are Naperville!  We have a reputation to uphold.  Tolerating a neighboring caliphate is not part of that reputation!”

Bulldog also suggested that Naperville should build settlements in Bolingbrook to help “contain the threat.”

“It’s not like they’re using the land for anything besides causing trouble.  We should take their land and use it for good!  Land for peace is what I say!”

When asked to comment, a man who claimed to be Naperville Mayor George Pradel laughed.  “We’re not going to invade Bolingbrook.  We have no reason to fear The Muslim Association of Bolingbrook.  Besides, Bolingbrook is a great place to live, but we’re better!”

When asked to comment, an anonymous spokesperson told this reporter that the world should not judge Bolingbrook based on the actions of, “One confused young man.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “Richard, if I ever need help from an atheist, which I don’t, I can get it from Chris Stedman! He’s nicer than you, and might even apologize to me for not believing in God!  We need more atheists like him, and less like you!”

Also in The Babbler:

Sick space alien does not have Ebola, say Clow UFO Base officials
Gay aliens prepare to get married in Indiana
Bigfoot spotted in Chicago

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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