Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Internet trolls threaten Bolingbrook

A “leaderless” group of Internet trolls is threatening to bring down Bolingbrook, unless they evict all “social justice warriors” from the village.

Gamergate has shown us the way!”  Said SlashX, one of the “respected” members of trolls.  “We will purge Bolingbrook of uppity women!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The currently nameless group will conduct a “full scale protest” to “downsize” Bolingbrook’s economy.  First they will send “harsh” messages to every Bolingbrook residential e-mail they can find.  If any resident complains, they will accuse the resident of faking the e-mails.  Second, the collective will sponsor a crowdsourced effort to contact every local business and “politely” ask them to leave Bolingbrook.  They hope to be able flood every Bolingbrook business with thousands of e-mails.

“I’m willing to create 10 e-mail accounts a day.  Plus we’ve got over a hundred form letters people can use.  They’ll never be able to sniff us out!”

Third, the group will accuse any reporter of bias if they write an article involving Bolingbrook, and do not include any “honest prospectives” about the village.

Fourth, the group will organize boycotts of companies that have a manufacturing presence in Bolingbrook.

“We want to make ‘made in Bolingbrook’ a corporate death sentence.”

Finally, the group will raise funds to support candidates for office in Bolingbrook that will work to abolish Bolingbrook.

“Of course.”  Said SlashX.  “This can be avoided if Bolingbrook would just purge Bolingbrook of gays!  I mean social justice warriors!”

The group formed after Jill Z. Quintburg, a 25 year Bolingbrook resident, announced that she was going to create a new social network platform.

“I read this great article by Lindy West about how she wants a social network that has effective tools to combat harassment.  She called it, ‘Echo Chamber.’  I loved the article, and since I’m a programer, I decided to start work on my version of Echo Chamber.”

Quintburg announced her intention over Twitter.

“Big mistake.”  Said Quintburg.

According to Quintburg, she started receiving death threats and nasty messages online.

“It is disturbing to see so many attempts to hack my e-mail and fake Twitter accounts trying to impersonate me.  I complained about it online, and those trolls accused me of faking the whole thing because the trolls end their sentences with periods just like I do.  Can you believe that?  They also tried to drive me out of my home, but the address they posted was for the Bolingbrook Police Department.  So I’m lucky, compared to most women online.”

SlashX said that not all members of the collective harassed Quintburg and therefore the group can’t be blamed.

“Sure it started out as aggressive messaging towards her, but now we’ve moved on to—Hey Joe, can you think of a cause that’s important to SJWs?”

“Locally grown organic food.”  Came a reply in the background.

“Yeah!  Now we’re all united behind supporting locally grown organic food!  You can’t call us sexist if we support natural food!  The best way to support locally grown organic food is to purge liberals, I mean social justice warriors, from Bolingbrook or purge Bolingbrook from Illinois!”

A spokesperson for Mayor Roger Claar said the village was not aware of the group, but was not concerned.  “We handled The Watchdogs of Bolingbrook.  We can handle these hackers.  Now I have go back to helping Roger prepare his speech to at risk youth.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Claar said, “A village is like piece of music.  It needs treble and bass to work.  If you doubt me, trying listening to Meghan Trainor without treble!”

Also in The Babbler:

Babbler to shutdown next week for remodeling
Martian Colonies repel invasion force.
Sources: Solider Field cursed

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/24/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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