Monday, September 29, 2014

Zombies crash Chicagoland Rosh Hashanah celebrations

Chicagoland’s Jewish community received several surprise visitors from beyond the grave during Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year.

According to one eyewitnesses, who asked not to be named, a pack of zombies stopped by a Skokie synagogue.

“It was after the service when we heard a knocking on the front door.  Our rabbi asked who it was, then opened the door.  We saw about 4 zombies standing at the door, dressed in burial clothes.  They said, ‘Shanah Tovah!’ at the same time.  Rabbi slammed the door shut and yelled, ‘The zombie apocalypse has started!  Barricade the doors and windows!  We must protect the Torah at all cost!’”

In another incident, Lydia, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a zombie visited her orthodox synagogue.  Her rabbi covered the zombie in a white cloth and then guided the zombie to the front of the reception room.  He asked for the congregation’s attention.

“Alright!  Which one of you tried to make a flesh golem?”  The rabbi allegedly said.  “You’re supposed to use clay, not flesh!  If you are the creator of this unfortunate creature, you will need to see me now.  You will need more than one day to atone for your actions!”

Unlike movie zombies, none of these zombies attempted to eat living people.  All of the zombies were of Jewish descent, and were described as mostly friendly.  Some however, engaged in theological arguments, including debating whether the Zionist Movement should have created Israel before the return of the Messiah.  Other zombies engaged in more personal arguments.

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, said her zombie grandfather accosted her during her synagogue’s Rosh Hashanah reception.

“After we got over the shock of seeing each other, he told me that I shouldn’t have married a shkutz.  The nerve!  I asked if he wanted to personally tell each of his great grandchildren that they shouldn’t have been born.  That shut him up!  You know, there’s a reason people die!”

All the zombies returned to their graves at sundown following Rosh Hashanah.  No injuries or attacks were reported.  Zombies who spoke to Chicagoland’s rabbis claim they were brought back to life when they heard the “perfect sound” of two Shofars, or ceremonial musical instruments made from a ram’s horn.

Paranormal investigators are now searching the Chicago area for two cursed Shofars in hopes of preventing another zombie uprising.

Said Benjamin Almon, noted paranormal investigator, “We believe these Shofars are in the possession of an organization that is respectful of Jewish Culture, but at the same times lacks a health fear of G_d.  If you know what is best for you, you will leave the ‘o’ out when you quote me!”

An anonymous steering committee member of Kol Hadash Humanist Congregation, denied having a role in the zombie uprising.

“Oh our Shofars are perfectly normal.  There’s no such thing as a cursed horns.  Anyway, your secular Jewish readers might be interested in attending our Yom Kippur services on Friday and Saturday.  We still have tickets available.”

Also in The Babbler:

Special Report: Atheist  Movement meltdown
Bolingbrook welcomes emergency Martian delegation
Mayor Claar promises longer Weredeer hunting season

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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