Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Village of Bolingbrook breaking the Internet experts say

Is the Village of Bolingbrook breaking the Internet?  Several anonymous computer experts say yes, and blame the village’s IT department.

“If we don’t stop Village Hall right now, by Wednesday, web sites like Etsy, Foursquare, Vimeo, and WordPress will suffer from intolerable lag!”  Said one of the experts.

“It’s like someone has given The Village of Bolingbrook top priority over all other Internet traffic!”  Said another expert.  All other web sites are quickly being shafted.  By Wednesday, We could be looking at an Internet Slowdown!”

Syntax Error, a former hacker and current computer security consultant for the Village of Bolingbrook, claimed responsibility for the Village’s attempt to “break” the Internet.

“(Mayor Roger Claar) gave me the idea.  He walked into my office and asked if there were any nude pictures of him online.  I asked if he’d ever taken a nude picture of himself.  He said no.  I asked him if anyone had ever taken a picture of him nude.  He said no.  I asked if he ever stood by a window or door naked.  He said no.  Then I told him he would only have to worry about people posting fake nude photos of him online.  Man you should have seen his face.”

According to Syntax Error, Claar replied, “I want my last two years in office to be dignified!  Bonnie may be in Florida but she still has Internet access and bloggers who will blindly follow her.  She could hurt me by posting fake nudes, and by the time my lawyers filed a lawsuit, it would be too late.  I need you to pull every phony nude image of me from the Internet by Wednesday!”

Said Syntax Error, “I asked him if he could use his position as the most powerful GOP mayor in Illinois to give the village top priority over all other Internet traffic.  He made a phone call, and said it was done.”

Syntax Error says he means no harm slowing down the rest of the Internet.

“I want to show the world what would happen if we lose net neutrality.  Today, every voice has a chance to be heard on the Internet.  Everyone has the opportunity to become the next Drudge or Daily Kos.  If corporations can be allowed buy preferred access from Internet service providers, than ends.  Those who aren’t rich will be stuck with dial up level speeds, while corporations will enjoy fast broadband connections for the web pages.  We need to classify the Internet as a common carrier, just like phone calls are today.  Otherwise, The Internet will be like cable TV, and everyone else will be forced onto a public access channel.  Minority political views will be suppressed.  If we persuade the FCC to save net neutrality, The Daily Show web page will download in seconds, while The Unconventional Conservative site will take hours to download!  I don’t want that world.”

Syntax Error promised to return the Internet to normal on Thursday.

When reached for comment, Claar yelled, “I don’t have time for your questions.  There’s a major storm on the way!  Tell your readers to clear out their basements and get to high ground.  If you can’t get to high ground, have a boat or life vest nearby.  If you have to drive, stay away from Royce RD!”

Also in The Babbler:

Take shelter!
Governor Quinn denies investing Coach Ditka for voter fraud
Anti-psychic Kitty announces he has cancer

God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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