Monday, September 15, 2014

Scotland: We’ll stay if you deport Richard Dawkins!

Note:  The following is a special report from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  All spellings have been Americanized.

Scottish officials are secretly saying they are willing to call off their independence vote if atheist leader Richard Dawkins is deported.

“They’ve put up with centuries of British domination, but Dawkins is the last straw.”  Said a source close to Downing Street.  “They say he is the symbol of all that is wrong with modern day godless Britain!”

Dawkins, a biologist, author of “The God Delusion,” and one of the “Four Horsemen of Atheism,” has a long history controversy, especially after making comments on Twitter.  He’s suggested that mothers should abort children with Downs Syndrome, teaching children religious beliefs is a form of child abuse, and women who are drunk are at fault if they are raped.

The unnamed Scottish officials say their citizens don’t want to be in the same country as Dawkins.  Right now, they claim, they only way they can be free of Dawkins is to declare independence.  If Dawkins were deported, however, the officials promised to call off the vote.

“The United States needs him more than the UK does!”  Said Paula Z. Dunworth, long time Scottish resident.  “He can fight for evolution there, then get drunk with his skeptical friends in Las Vegas!  We don’t need him here.”

Though tempted, it is unlikely that Prime Minister David Cameron will deport Dawkins.”

“He says things about Arab immigrants that no one in Parliament can say.  So he’s useful to us, even it means losing Scotland!”

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Dawkins said he doubts that England was going to deport him.

In the background, a man yelled, “Richard!  For the love of the Queen, don’t post on Twitter!  You're ruining your legacy and embarrassing other atheists!”

A man who sounded like Dawkins replied, “If my tweets annoy the head of the Church of England, then I am compelled to tweet!  No god will save the Queen from the power of my logic and reason!”

The man screamed before apparently being dragged away.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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