Monday, September 22, 2014

American Lake Water Company unleashes atheist ‘thought leaders’ upon Mayor Claar!

American Lake Water Company escalated its conflict with the Northern Will County Water Agency by hiring atheist “thought leaders” to attack Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

According to various sources in Bolingbrook Village Hall and within the company, American Lake Water Company has hired the so-called “thought leaders” of the atheist movement to force the agency to withdraw its eminent domain lawsuit to seize the water infrastructure in Northern Will County, and part of its Lake Michigan water pipeline.  The company, according to the sources, hired the leaders because of their successful efforts to drive women out of the atheist movement.  

“Roger has forced us to use extreme tactics to defend our pipeline!”  Said an anonymous source within the company.  “His agency and him didn’t take the hint when a judge ordered them to pay our legal bills.  No, he had to refile the eminent domain lawsuit!  So we have no choice but to use a scorched earth policy against him!”

The campaign started, according to Village Hall sources, when Michael Shermer, head of the Skeptics Society, attempted to meet Claar without an appointment.  Claar said he would give him a few minutes of his time.  According to eyewitnesses, Shermer started by praising the free market system, and accused Claar of disrupting “the invisible hand of the market which, unlike a Sagan Dragon, is real and the only approved way to regulate human interaction.”

When Shermer tried to argue that all Bolingbrook governmental functions should be turned over to private interests, Claar walked away to use his bathroom.  When Claar emerged, eyewitnesses say Claar caught Shermer pouring vodka into his coffee cup.  When confronted with attempting to spike Claar’s drink, he allegedly replied, “I know you believe you saw me enhance your drink, but you have to understand that most people believe weird things, and that’s why you trust a skeptic like me, instead of your own unreliable senses.”

Claar ordered Shermer to leave Village Hall.  As he left, Shermer told Claar, “Though I may be a victim of your witch hunt, I will not attack you over the Internet.  My powerful friends and skeptical followers will do that for me.”

An hour after Shermer left, an anonymous “skeptic” started an Internet chat with Claar.  Sources within village hall released part of the transcript.
Skeptic:  You are a thief.
Claar:  Who are you, and why are you calling me a thief?
Skeptic:  You steal things.  That makes you a thief.
Claar:  What do you think I stole?
Skeptic:  I just told you!
Thirty minute later, Irish atheist leader Michael Nugent called Claar and told him that he was going to “arbitrate the dispute” between Claar and American Lake Water Company.

“You shouldn’t have publicly accused my friends of raising rates while providing poor service.  As everyone in the secular community knows, I don’t care what my friends do.  I only care about people who try to make my friends look bad to the public.”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, told off Nugent.

“You obviously have me confused with a female blogger!  I have a police force that takes its responsibility to protect me seriously!  I have a village attorney and a law firm at my disposal.  I also have the funds to support any legal action I choose to initiate, and if I need more money, I can get it from the taxpayers.  Not only will the taxpayers support me, they’ll feel bad that they can’t give me more money!  You and your friends can keep trying to mess with me, but let me warn you.  If you mess with me, you are messing with Bolingbrook, because I am Bolingbrook, and we don’t like people trolling our community!”

Company sources vow to continue the campaign until the agency permanently withdraws its lawsuit.

“We will fight for as long as it takes.  Our hired thought leaders are just a tenacious as we are.  Just as they won’t stop until all overly critical females are purged from their organizations, we wont’ stop until we can profit off of every drop of water in Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I”m celebrating the Bears' victory right now.  Don’t bother me.”

No atheist “thought leaders” could be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Eyewitnesses spot time lord in Bolingbrook
Satanists vow to build satanic monument to Mayor Claar
Anti-psychic kitty responding well to chemotherapy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/27/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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