Monday, September 29, 2014

Zombies crash Chicagoland Rosh Hashanah celebrations

Chicagoland’s Jewish community received several surprise visitors from beyond the grave during Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish new year.

According to one eyewitnesses, who asked not to be named, a pack of zombies stopped by a Skokie synagogue.

“It was after the service when we heard a knocking on the front door.  Our rabbi asked who it was, then opened the door.  We saw about 4 zombies standing at the door, dressed in burial clothes.  They said, ‘Shanah Tovah!’ at the same time.  Rabbi slammed the door shut and yelled, ‘The zombie apocalypse has started!  Barricade the doors and windows!  We must protect the Torah at all cost!’”

In another incident, Lydia, who asked that we not use her last name, claimed that a zombie visited her orthodox synagogue.  Her rabbi covered the zombie in a white cloth and then guided the zombie to the front of the reception room.  He asked for the congregation’s attention.

“Alright!  Which one of you tried to make a flesh golem?”  The rabbi allegedly said.  “You’re supposed to use clay, not flesh!  If you are the creator of this unfortunate creature, you will need to see me now.  You will need more than one day to atone for your actions!”

Unlike movie zombies, none of these zombies attempted to eat living people.  All of the zombies were of Jewish descent, and were described as mostly friendly.  Some however, engaged in theological arguments, including debating whether the Zionist Movement should have created Israel before the return of the Messiah.  Other zombies engaged in more personal arguments.

Paula, who asked that we not use her last name, said her zombie grandfather accosted her during her synagogue’s Rosh Hashanah reception.

“After we got over the shock of seeing each other, he told me that I shouldn’t have married a shkutz.  The nerve!  I asked if he wanted to personally tell each of his great grandchildren that they shouldn’t have been born.  That shut him up!  You know, there’s a reason people die!”

All the zombies returned to their graves at sundown following Rosh Hashanah.  No injuries or attacks were reported.  Zombies who spoke to Chicagoland’s rabbis claim they were brought back to life when they heard the “perfect sound” of two Shofars, or ceremonial musical instruments made from a ram’s horn.

Paranormal investigators are now searching the Chicago area for two cursed Shofars in hopes of preventing another zombie uprising.

Said Benjamin Almon, noted paranormal investigator, “We believe these Shofars are in the possession of an organization that is respectful of Jewish Culture, but at the same times lacks a health fear of G_d.  If you know what is best for you, you will leave the ‘o’ out when you quote me!”

An anonymous steering committee member of Kol Hadash Humanist Congregation, denied having a role in the zombie uprising.

“Oh our Shofars are perfectly normal.  There’s no such thing as a cursed horns.  Anyway, your secular Jewish readers might be interested in attending our Yom Kippur services on Friday and Saturday.  We still have tickets available.”

Also in The Babbler:

Special Report: Atheist  Movement meltdown
Bolingbrook welcomes emergency Martian delegation
Mayor Claar promises longer Weredeer hunting season

God to smite Bolingbrook on 10/1/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 22, 2014

American Lake Water Company unleashes atheist ‘thought leaders’ upon Mayor Claar!

American Lake Water Company escalated its conflict with the Northern Will County Water Agency by hiring atheist “thought leaders” to attack Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar.

According to various sources in Bolingbrook Village Hall and within the company, American Lake Water Company has hired the so-called “thought leaders” of the atheist movement to force the agency to withdraw its eminent domain lawsuit to seize the water infrastructure in Northern Will County, and part of its Lake Michigan water pipeline.  The company, according to the sources, hired the leaders because of their successful efforts to drive women out of the atheist movement.  

“Roger has forced us to use extreme tactics to defend our pipeline!”  Said an anonymous source within the company.  “His agency and him didn’t take the hint when a judge ordered them to pay our legal bills.  No, he had to refile the eminent domain lawsuit!  So we have no choice but to use a scorched earth policy against him!”

The campaign started, according to Village Hall sources, when Michael Shermer, head of the Skeptics Society, attempted to meet Claar without an appointment.  Claar said he would give him a few minutes of his time.  According to eyewitnesses, Shermer started by praising the free market system, and accused Claar of disrupting “the invisible hand of the market which, unlike a Sagan Dragon, is real and the only approved way to regulate human interaction.”

When Shermer tried to argue that all Bolingbrook governmental functions should be turned over to private interests, Claar walked away to use his bathroom.  When Claar emerged, eyewitnesses say Claar caught Shermer pouring vodka into his coffee cup.  When confronted with attempting to spike Claar’s drink, he allegedly replied, “I know you believe you saw me enhance your drink, but you have to understand that most people believe weird things, and that’s why you trust a skeptic like me, instead of your own unreliable senses.”

Claar ordered Shermer to leave Village Hall.  As he left, Shermer told Claar, “Though I may be a victim of your witch hunt, I will not attack you over the Internet.  My powerful friends and skeptical followers will do that for me.”

An hour after Shermer left, an anonymous “skeptic” started an Internet chat with Claar.  Sources within village hall released part of the transcript.
Skeptic:  You are a thief.
Claar:  Who are you, and why are you calling me a thief?
Skeptic:  You steal things.  That makes you a thief.
Claar:  What do you think I stole?
Skeptic:  I just told you!
Thirty minute later, Irish atheist leader Michael Nugent called Claar and told him that he was going to “arbitrate the dispute” between Claar and American Lake Water Company.

“You shouldn’t have publicly accused my friends of raising rates while providing poor service.  As everyone in the secular community knows, I don’t care what my friends do.  I only care about people who try to make my friends look bad to the public.”

Claar, according to the eyewitnesses, told off Nugent.

“You obviously have me confused with a female blogger!  I have a police force that takes its responsibility to protect me seriously!  I have a village attorney and a law firm at my disposal.  I also have the funds to support any legal action I choose to initiate, and if I need more money, I can get it from the taxpayers.  Not only will the taxpayers support me, they’ll feel bad that they can’t give me more money!  You and your friends can keep trying to mess with me, but let me warn you.  If you mess with me, you are messing with Bolingbrook, because I am Bolingbrook, and we don’t like people trolling our community!”

Company sources vow to continue the campaign until the agency permanently withdraws its lawsuit.

“We will fight for as long as it takes.  Our hired thought leaders are just a tenacious as we are.  Just as they won’t stop until all overly critical females are purged from their organizations, we wont’ stop until we can profit off of every drop of water in Bolingbrook!”

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I”m celebrating the Bears' victory right now.  Don’t bother me.”

No atheist “thought leaders” could be reached for comment.

Also in The Babbler:

Eyewitnesses spot time lord in Bolingbrook
Satanists vow to build satanic monument to Mayor Claar
Anti-psychic kitty responding well to chemotherapy
God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/27/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Scotland: We’ll stay if you deport Richard Dawkins!

Note:  The following is a special report from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler.  All spellings have been Americanized.

Scottish officials are secretly saying they are willing to call off their independence vote if atheist leader Richard Dawkins is deported.

“They’ve put up with centuries of British domination, but Dawkins is the last straw.”  Said a source close to Downing Street.  “They say he is the symbol of all that is wrong with modern day godless Britain!”

Dawkins, a biologist, author of “The God Delusion,” and one of the “Four Horsemen of Atheism,” has a long history controversy, especially after making comments on Twitter.  He’s suggested that mothers should abort children with Downs Syndrome, teaching children religious beliefs is a form of child abuse, and women who are drunk are at fault if they are raped.

The unnamed Scottish officials say their citizens don’t want to be in the same country as Dawkins.  Right now, they claim, they only way they can be free of Dawkins is to declare independence.  If Dawkins were deported, however, the officials promised to call off the vote.

“The United States needs him more than the UK does!”  Said Paula Z. Dunworth, long time Scottish resident.  “He can fight for evolution there, then get drunk with his skeptical friends in Las Vegas!  We don’t need him here.”

Though tempted, it is unlikely that Prime Minister David Cameron will deport Dawkins.”

“He says things about Arab immigrants that no one in Parliament can say.  So he’s useful to us, even it means losing Scotland!”

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for Dawkins said he doubts that England was going to deport him.

In the background, a man yelled, “Richard!  For the love of the Queen, don’t post on Twitter!  You're ruining your legacy and embarrassing other atheists!”

A man who sounded like Dawkins replied, “If my tweets annoy the head of the Church of England, then I am compelled to tweet!  No god will save the Queen from the power of my logic and reason!”

The man screamed before apparently being dragged away.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Village of Bolingbrook breaking the Internet experts say

Is the Village of Bolingbrook breaking the Internet?  Several anonymous computer experts say yes, and blame the village’s IT department.

“If we don’t stop Village Hall right now, by Wednesday, web sites like Etsy, Foursquare, Vimeo, and WordPress will suffer from intolerable lag!”  Said one of the experts.

“It’s like someone has given The Village of Bolingbrook top priority over all other Internet traffic!”  Said another expert.  All other web sites are quickly being shafted.  By Wednesday, We could be looking at an Internet Slowdown!”

Syntax Error, a former hacker and current computer security consultant for the Village of Bolingbrook, claimed responsibility for the Village’s attempt to “break” the Internet.

“(Mayor Roger Claar) gave me the idea.  He walked into my office and asked if there were any nude pictures of him online.  I asked if he’d ever taken a nude picture of himself.  He said no.  I asked him if anyone had ever taken a picture of him nude.  He said no.  I asked if he ever stood by a window or door naked.  He said no.  Then I told him he would only have to worry about people posting fake nude photos of him online.  Man you should have seen his face.”

According to Syntax Error, Claar replied, “I want my last two years in office to be dignified!  Bonnie may be in Florida but she still has Internet access and bloggers who will blindly follow her.  She could hurt me by posting fake nudes, and by the time my lawyers filed a lawsuit, it would be too late.  I need you to pull every phony nude image of me from the Internet by Wednesday!”

Said Syntax Error, “I asked him if he could use his position as the most powerful GOP mayor in Illinois to give the village top priority over all other Internet traffic.  He made a phone call, and said it was done.”

Syntax Error says he means no harm slowing down the rest of the Internet.

“I want to show the world what would happen if we lose net neutrality.  Today, every voice has a chance to be heard on the Internet.  Everyone has the opportunity to become the next Drudge or Daily Kos.  If corporations can be allowed buy preferred access from Internet service providers, than ends.  Those who aren’t rich will be stuck with dial up level speeds, while corporations will enjoy fast broadband connections for the web pages.  We need to classify the Internet as a common carrier, just like phone calls are today.  Otherwise, The Internet will be like cable TV, and everyone else will be forced onto a public access channel.  Minority political views will be suppressed.  If we persuade the FCC to save net neutrality, The Daily Show web page will download in seconds, while The Unconventional Conservative site will take hours to download!  I don’t want that world.”

Syntax Error promised to return the Internet to normal on Thursday.

When reached for comment, Claar yelled, “I don’t have time for your questions.  There’s a major storm on the way!  Tell your readers to clear out their basements and get to high ground.  If you can’t get to high ground, have a boat or life vest nearby.  If you have to drive, stay away from Royce RD!”

Also in The Babbler:

Take shelter!
Governor Quinn denies investing Coach Ditka for voter fraud
Anti-psychic Kitty announces he has cancer

God to smite Bolingbrook on 9/12/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, September 1, 2014

Breaking news: Aliens at Clow UFO Base celebrate the removal of JREF president D J Grothe

"Grothetam2011" by Sciguy881 - Own work. Licensed under Public domain via Wikimedia Commons 
By Reporter X

Hundreds of aliens at Bolingbrook’s Clow UFO Base celebrated DJ Grothe’s removal from the presidency of the James Randi Educational Foundation.

“I dealt with that man, and he was obnoxious!”  Said Quakdouk of the Drezka Corporation.  “You had to send him daily reminders to pay you.  Everyday he would lie and say that the funds were being transmitted as he spoke.  When you called him out for his incompetence, he would blame feminists, people who fight for social justice, and transgendered people for his problems.  Why wasn’t he incinerated sooner?”

From 1996 until 2012, the JREF was the skeptical movement’s official ambassador to the interstellar community.  The JREF lost their ambassador status in 2012 for failure to pay its membership dues to the Interstellar Alliance for the Advancement of Science.  Grothe denied failing to pay the membership dues, though he never provided proof of payment.

Initially, hundreds of aliens gathered along Clow’s ambassador row section to celebrate the removal of Grothe.  After security officials received reports of aliens defacing holograms of Grothe, and vomiting on photographs of him, Clow officials deployed their anti-riot police.

“Hey, we didn’t like DJ either.”  Sadi an anonymous source connect to Clow UFO Base.  “I think he has issues.  But that doesn’t justifying rioting!”

Officials at the Skepchick embassy helped defuse the situation by opening up their bars to the protesters and promising speeches from prominent skeptics.  

“We knew things could get out of hand, and it was the least we could do to help.”  Said Paula Breaker, spokesperson for Skepchick’s Clow Embassy.  “So we thought that bringing people inside, and giving them something to do, it would keep the tear gas from flooding the corridor.  We have anti-harassment policies and our own security to keep the peace.  Plus there are lots of fun things to do in the bar.  Opening our doors was the best decision for everyone involved.”

As promised, Skepchick founder Rebecca Watson addressed the crowd by teleconference.

“I can’t comment any further until I speak with (board member Steven Novella).  I can say that I am relieved that his inane personal tweets will no longer be backed up by a major skeptical organization!”

Former JREF Communications Director Carrie Poppy also address the crowd.

“I posted this on Twitter, and I will say the same thing to you guys.  Today we learned that slactivism can raise millions of dollars, and the only mission creep you should worry about is the creep running your organization!”

No arrests or instances of vandalism were reported following the celebration.

The JREF has not officially announced the reason for Grothe’s removal.  Sources with connections to the JREF claim that armed aliens from an interstellar bill collection agency entered their Los Angeles office and told DJ that the JREF still owed his clients interstellar credits.  Since the JREF no longer had any interstellar credits, Grothe offered them the software and servers for the JREF’s Forum, which they accepted.  Grothe then lied to the board about giving the servers to the aliens.  This, according the sources, prompted the board to fire him.

Other skeptics speculate that Grothe was released because the JREF’s revenue fell from $1.5 million in 2011 to $887,595 in 2013.

Grothe could not be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.