Monday, August 4, 2014

Homeopaths prepare Bolingbrook for possible ebola outbreak

If the Ebola virus makes its way to Bolingbrook, local homeopaths will be ready.

“Residents are scared.”  Said Bolingbrook homeopath Sylvia.  “So I hope my products will give them a temporary sense of security.  When that runs out, they can always buy more!”

Homeopathy is a controversial alternative medicine practice created in the 19th Century.  Homeopaths create their treatments by first determining what how they want to affect the patient, and then finding a substance that normally has the opposite affect.  For example, if a homeopath wanted to create a sleeping aid, they would use caffeine.  The homeopath will then take a small portion of the substance, add distilled water, and then shake the water 10 times against an elastic surface.  Then the homeopath will take a small drop of that liquid, put it in a new bottle of distilled water, and repeat the process.  Most homeopaths will repeat the process about thirty times before giving the solution to their patients.  

“The more you distill it, the less likely you are to remain sick.”  Explained Sylvia.

Critics contend that homeopathic substances are so diluted, they no longer contain the original substance.  Skeptics contend that homeopathic products are just expensive placebos.  Supporters counter that homeopathy works because of quantum physics.

Says Bolingbrook Homeopath Doug Z. Parker, “I don’t care what the so-called scientific studies say, I can think of examples of my treatments working.  If they work for them, maybe they’ll work for you.”

Parker stresses the importance of Bolingbrook residents stocking up on his solutions.

“You’ve heard politicians saying that there are thousands of infected illegal aliens massing on our borders for Obama to give the signal to march into our country.  Do you trust big Pharma to protect you from Obama’s Ebola army?  Do you want your money going to Switzerland or do you want to support local organic businesses?  I think the choice is clear.”

Both homeopaths promise to sell their solutions for around $30 a bottle.  Parker also sells sugar pills that have been dipped in his solutions.

“You won’t believe how something so sweet can be so good for you in a crisis.”

An anonymous source inside Bolingbrook’s village hall, said that while the village support local businesses, residents shouldn’t panic over a possible Ebola outbreak just yet.

“Ebola has been confined to Africa since it was discovered in 1976.  Sure it is deadly, but only about 5,000 people have died from it.  Contrast that with malaria, which killed 660,000 people in 2010 alone.  There’s very little chance of it coming to Bolingbrook.”

When asked to comment, Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar replied, “If you think you have Ebola, get to Adventist Hospital immediately!  That’s why we went to the trouble of building our own hospital!  If you know someone with Ebola, don’t touch their body fluids, wash your hands often, and get them to Adventist immediately!  Once they’re in an isolation unit, then you can give them a bottle of a homeopathic solution!”

Also in The Babbler:

Lost tribes offer Earth jews their own planet
Chicago officials fear rise of algae monster in Lake Michigan
Bloggers promises to lecture Chicago area skeptics about empathy

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/8/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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