Bolingbrook Mayor Claar to aliens: Stay out of Ferguson!
By Reporter X
Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar announced that aliens will not be allowed outside of Clow UFO base if they intend to travel to Ferguson, MO. He said he made the decision after hearing about aliens trying to rent cars as a way to avoid the UFO no-fly zone imposed over Missouri and Southern Illinois.
“I know many of you want to help, and a few of you want to cause trouble.” Claar announced during a teleconference with Clow’s visitors and residents aliens. “But there’s a reason Ferguson is off limits. Our highways are already too crowded. I also had to assure my friend Bob that you wouldn’t rent all of his cars. It is still too dangerous for aliens to be searched by TSA agents. Now I don’t need to offend any reptoids in the audience, but all it takes is one shapeshifter to turn a simple insurrection into a full blown war! I won’t have it. You cannot use my UFO base to get to Ferguson!”
Many aliens expressed their anger at Claar’s decision.
Said Lok Posok of the Trilock Union, “We want to help the residents of this artificial collection of buildings get the justice they deserve! We want to help, and we want to do more than abduct teenagers and post on their Twitter accounts! We want to go there!”
Dogok, who refused to provide more information, said that he hoped to supply weapons to Ferguson’s residents.
“Sure non-violence has its uses, but sometimes you need some good old fashioned firepower to get your peace and justice! If your Tea party isn’t going to stand up against government aggression, then I should help out.”
Dogok added that he was unable to get his weapons to Ferguson.
“You can never find a good 53’ trailer and driver when you need one.”
Claar tried to reassure the aliens that their concerns were being addressed.
“The two skeptical ambassador organizations have heard your concerns. Center for Inquiry’s Ron Lindsay released a statement without getting it cleared first. Now let me tell you, he’s taking a big risk for you guys by shooting from the hip like that. It’s a risk he’s willing to take because he shares your concerns. Skepchick sent a representative to Ferguson last weekend. I hope you’ll think that she walked on your behalf, because I’m not letting any of you near Ferguson if I can help it!”
Shortly after Claar’s speech, five aliens were arrested trying to fire rockets at the Ferguson Police command center.
Their lawyer, Solg, says his clients did nothing wrong.
“They wanted to participate in the human game of firing rockets at a superior military force. They meant no harm.”
Claar also spoke with alien representatives and promised to present their concerns to the New World Order.
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God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/22/14
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