Monday, August 25, 2014

Bolingbrook ISIS operative insists he’s a ‘nice guy’

Not all members of Islamic State (ISIS) decapitate journalists or force Christians to pay a religion tax, says an operative who lives in Bolingbrook.

Al Raider Mohammad, the name Toby preferred we use during the interview, accused the Western media of stereotyping ISIS members.

“I haven’t killed any journalists or invaded any cities.  Really, I’m a nice guy.  Why won’t the Western media give equal time to members like me?”

Mohammad claims to be part of the ISIS social media team.  According to him, his job is to take pictures around the Chicago area and post them on ISIS’s various social media accounts.

“My last picture is all over the Internet!”  Toby proudly boasted.  “There’s no way I could make that kind of impact at a PR agency.  I’m in the big leagues.  I’m so big, Internet trolls are afraid to go after me!”

Though many residents were frightened by Toby’s picture, he insists ISIS currently has no plans to attack the Chicago area.

“Sure 9/11 had great visuals, but that was an expensive operation to pull off.  You don’t get to be one of the richest Jihadist groups by spending money like crazy.  No, what we’re hoping to do is to use Social Media to generate the same level of fear in the US as 9/11 caused, but for a fraction of the cost.”

Once Americans are frightened, he expects the US to elect Republicans and impeach President Obama.

“Once the right people are in power, they might attack us at first, but then they’ll get bored, and start attacking our enemies.  Once they invade countries like Jordan and Iran, we’ll have them right where we want them.  The former citizens of those countries will hate the US occupiers, and will turn to the Islamic State for help.  We’ll get US forces bogged down in an endless series of guerrilla wars  and before you know it, we’ll own the hearts and minds of the Islamic World.  Then we’ll have a true, global Caliphate!  One that I helped create!”

Toby, who is of European decent, claims to be a recent convert to Islam.  A conversion that happened after he joined ISIS.  He says before joining ISIS, he was a nondenominational Christian.

“At the time, I thought we were a true christian nation, the Jews have their own nation, and the Hindu’s have their own nation.  Why can’t the Islamists have their own nation and not some random map drawn up by colonial imperialists?”

Toby learned that the more he learned about Islam, the more he liked it.

“I thought it was a totally different religion, but I was wrong.  Islam is the sequel to the New Testament!  It’s the “Iron Man 3” of Allah’s word.  Plus I didn’t realize how closely our beliefs matched!  We agree that women have too many rights in the West.  We agree that we should respect the divine, and we both hate Richard Dawkins.  Soon, I realized that I had to get on board and submit to Allah.”

Toby says he doesn’t know that the future holds for him, but he doubts that he will be called take up arms against America.

“I was going to sneak into Iraq, but then Mohammad appeared to me in a dream.  He said I should trust him, and stick to the online jihad.  Then he commanded me to never read blog posts by Hena and Haib!  I said I would.  I also said that I would make Bolingbrook police so frightened that they would buy tanks and always point their guns at the residents.  I still hope to keep that promise!”

After the interview, the NSA sent a text to this reporter saying they were "monitoring the situation in Bolingbrook.  We also like your taste in porn.”

Also in The Babbler:

Bolingbrook to mine asteroids for water
CFI feline fellows complain about Chicago heat
Soviets threaten Chicago with more thunderstorms

God to smite Bolingbrook on 8/28/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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