Security officers at Bolingbrook Clow UFO Base arrested a UFO crew after discovering 8 missing cows in their craft. The cows were from a farm that supplies milk to the Oberweis stores.
“In less than 24 hours, the cows went from being kidnapped to being recovered and safely returned to their farms.” Said Paul Z. Likeman, spokesperson for Clow UFO Base.
Likeman claims that the crew kidnaped the cows with the intention of breeding them on their home planet. The crew would then sell the cow’s milk on their home world, without paying a franchise fee to Oberweis Dairy.
According to an eyewitness who works in the Bolingbrook Oberweis, one of the accused aliens was a frequent customer.
“One day, she asked if our milk would be safe to drink after 10 years in storage. I told her, probably not because our customers want fresh milk, fresh from the farm, fresh in your mail box, and fresh when you drink it! We don’t prepare it to last years, or even months. She said that was an unacceptable answer, and walked away. I didn’t think much about it at the time, since we get all kinds of characters from Clow UFO Base. All of them legal aliens, of course!”
Kogoo, the crew’s legal representative, said his clients weren’t guilty, and is prepared to defend them until their names are cleared, or until they can no longer pay his legal fees.
“All visitors collect bovine specimens when they visit Clow UFO Base. My clients just happened to collect cows prized by Jim Oberweis, who is running for US Senate. This perpetual Chicagoland politician is using his political connections with Mayor Roger Claar to steal the rightfully collected cows from my clients!”
Kogoo also announced that he had hired members of the Bolingbrook Skeptics to launch a social media campaign to pressure Clow officials to release. A member of the group, who wore a hood to conceal his identity, explained his reason for defending the aliens.
“These aliens thought they were operating in a grey area of the law! They were only caught because they worked with a biological smugger who is selling them out for a lesser sentence. Even if the cows were ‘stolen’ it’s OK, because they belonged to a corporation. We skeptics know it is no big deal to steal from a corporation. It’s not like the farmers were harmed. They can just breed new cows! Anyway, the point is these aliens are just as innocent as Brian Dunning is!”
Oberweis was on the campaign trail, and could not be reached for comment. Though a spokesperson did speak to this reporter anonymously.