Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook declares ‘Occupation Buffer Zone’ for Fourth of July weekend


Sources within Bolingbrook's Village Hall claim that Mayor Roger Claar will create an “Occupation Buffer Zone” for the Fourth of July Weekend.  According to the sources, anyone who wishes to perform “actions consistent with the Occupy Movement” must stay at least 300 feet outside of Bolingbrook’s borders.  Anyone caught “occupying” within Bolingbrook will be arrested and held over the weekend.

“We want our residents to have a patriotic weekend during which any resident can display their love of America without fear of violence or harassment.”  Said one of the sources.  

The sources agree that the village is creating the buffer zone in response to “usually reliable intelligence contacts” that Occupy members would try to “counsel” residents over the weekend.  The contacts said that some of the “counseling” could take on each resident’s property.

“Imagine trying to enjoy a barbecue with your family, and some jerk is trying to shove pictures of dead suspected terrorists in your face.”  Said one source.  “Can you imagine trying to wave your American flag while some idiot is calling you names and demanding that you accept environmental communism as  your only hope of salvation?  I don’t know about you, but I want an unoccupied weekend with my family.”

The same source also defended the legality of the buffer zone.

“We’re a village, not an abortion clinic!  If the Supreme Court can have a buffer zone, then so can we!”


When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I think the residents should occupy their Fourth of July by going to the 2014 All American Celebration at the Bolingbrook Golf Club!”

No one from Occupy Bolingbrook could be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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