Monday, July 21, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: Professor Richard Dawkins suspended from the Interstellar Internet


The following is from our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler, out of Manchester, UK.  The spelling has been Americanized.  

MI 68a today revoked Professor Richard Dawkins’ access to the Tachyon Information Exchange Network, or the so-called “Interstellar Internet.”

 A man who claims to be the spokesperson for the Richard Dawkins Foundation denounced the decision.

“Professor Dawkins admits to no wrong doing, and suspects that this is the result of a conspiracy by members of the Islamic and feminist communities!  While he denounces the British Government’s decision to back down to ISIS and Skepchick, he will not fight the suspension for the sake of greater peace in the skeptical community.”

According to sources within the MI 68a, Dawkins will be suspended from the Network for five years, unless he can provide notes from three psychologists that he will “responsibly use the network for the advancement of human knowledge.”

A statement from MI 68a read, “While Richard Dawkins is a brilliant biologist, we feel that he is a dunce when it comes to interstellar relations.  We hope he will spend the next five years educating himself on proper interstellar etiquette.”

The MI 68a sources say the problem started when Dawkins started sending short, insulting, messages over the network.

To the ambassador of Pluto, he messaged, “Just because you live on a sphere, does not automatically make it a planet.  Can lice claim that a human head is planet because it is round?”

He sent messages about Gliese 581G.

“It’s too bad this planet doesn’t exist.  I wanted to send all the Islamists there, and no, that does not make me racist!  Islam is not a race, and therefore I am free to use British common sense when talking about them.”

When an alien merchant told Dawkins that Gliese 581G is a real planet and a popular tourist attraction, Dawkins replied, “Be offended, because I will take the word of an Earth scientist over an alien simpleton!  Science is always superior, no matter what world you say you are from.”

The sources confirm that MI 68a decided that Dawkins went too far when he started “flirting” with a member of the anti-vaccination terrorist group KukPu’K.  KukPu’k is accused distributing anti-vaccination propaganda on “primitive worlds” until the civilization loses heard immunity.  Then they release a deadly disease  that normally would be kept in check with vaccinations.

According to the sources, Dawkins started promoting a video from a KuPu’K member who was wearing a wig of human blonde hair.  In the video, the alien has a pretend conversation where the insane person argues that muslims be given vaccinations, while the reasonable position is that muslims shouldn’t receive vaccines because they are terrorists, anti-science, and secretly want to take over the world.

“This woman speaks more sense than all of YouTube combined!”  Dawkins allegedly messaged.

Said one source, “That is when he went over the line!  Normally, a human can be framed for a crime against humanity for even appearing to support KuPu’K.  Since he’s Richard Dawkins, he was just suspended from the network.”

When reached for comment, Dawkins denied that he ever had access to the “Interstellar Internet.”  

“Now that I think about, I guess I am privileged.  Most Doctor Who fans would pay almost anything just to get their picture taken with Romana.  Not only am I married to her, but I can date other women too!”

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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