Monday, July 7, 2014

Aliens arrested at Bolingbrook Hobby Lobby

By Reporter X

The Men in Blue arrested four aliens who were protesting inside the Bolingbrook Hobby Lobby.  The four are charged with lying on their visitor pass applications and removing their human disguises in public.

Explained Paul Z. Coker, spokesperson for Bolingbrook’s Department of Interstellar Affairs, “While our visitors have the privilege of shopping at our fine stores, they are expected to follow the rules.  These visitors did not follow the rules, and they will be reeducated.”

According to anonymous eyewitness and store employees, the four aliens, disguised as human women, took over $1000 worth of products and tired to walk out of the store.  When security officers stopped them at the exit, the aliens insisted that the had the right to take Hobby Lobby’s products without paying for them.

“They actually cited the Hobby Lobby decision.”  Said one eyewitness.  “These people said that they wanted the products, but didn’t want their money to go towards a Christian business, or towards (Mayor Roger Claar’s) campaign fund.  They argued that the law against stealing placed an undue burden on their religiously motivated desire to have Hobby Lobby products and not pay for them.  Then they said that if Hobby Lobby could get an employee health insurance tax break even though they won’t provide conceptive coverage as required by law, then they could steal from the store.”

One of the security guards said that the Hobby Lobby decision was too complicated for their “female brains” to understand.  The aliens, in response, discarded their disguises and preaching about the health benefits of being part of a hive mind.  Most of the customers fled the store in horror.

Minutes later, The Men in Blue arrived and quickly arrested the men.  The eyewitnesses were given a choice of being mind wiped or not to tell anyone about the incident except for The Babbler.

“They said no one believes The Babbler.  I think they’re right.”  Said another eyewitness.

Plo Nast, a lawyer representing the four aliens, says it plans to argue that the aliens were acting in accordance with the law.

“The US’s 14th Amendment says everyone must be treated equally.  That includes aliens.  So the Hobby Lobby decision applies to my clients.  All my clients have to do is swear that they sincerely believe that their religion compels them to liberate Hobby Lobby product, and the charges will be dismissed!”

Coker replied that aliens are only covered by the New World Order's rules, and that Earth government laws do not apply to them.

When asked to comment, Claar hung up the phone once he heard the question was about Hobby Lobby.

A Hobby Lobby employee, who asked not to be identified, said he agreed with the aliens, but felt their protest was misguided.

“We should just have a single payer system so I can get my insurance without my boss interfering.  I can always help vote in a new government.  I can’t vote for a new supervisor.”

Also in The Babbler:

Skepchicks arrested in Minneapolis
Minnesota Talking Land Squids rescue Bolingbrook baby from drowning
Aliens arrested after unsuccessful attack against Illinois capitol building

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/13/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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