Sunday, June 1, 2014

Sources: Bolingbrook Police to start social media division

Will the Bolingbrook police department start patrolling social media sites.  Sources close to the Bolingbrook PD say yes.

The decision was made after the Will County Forest Preserve District issued a ticket to a woman based on a Facebook post.  The Forest Preserve revoked the ticket, and, according to the Chicago Tribune, said, “The employee had good intentions, but it wasn’t a good idea,” Bolingbrook Police Department officials, however, were impressed.

Said one source, “The chief turned to me and said, ‘Why aren’t we doing that?’  Good question, I replied!”  

The sources agree that the program will be led by former hacker and Bolingbrook resident Syntax Error.  Syntax Error previously worked with the Bolingbrook Police to stop a computer virus from taking over Village Hall.

Syntax Error confirmed that he is the head of the new division.

“I found Jesus and gave up my wicked ways.  With this job, I can use my computer skills and punish the wicked!”

According to Syntax Error, he, along with two other officers, will spend each weekday following Bolingbrook’s social media users, and reporting any criminal activity.

“You’d be amazed at what people will openly admit on their social media sites.  I just started this project a few days ago, and you won’t believe how many photos of underage drinking I’ve found.  Amazing!”

Syntax Error says he has no problem becoming Facebook friends by using his 50 fake accounts.

“Most people like to collect Facebook friends.  It makes them feel important, I guess.  So it’s very easy to get the inside scoop.”

Syntax Error added that his team would be monitoring other sites as well.

“Everyone has to be on Facebook, but lets face it.  Ha!  Anyway, It’s not exactly the cool site among young people.  Heck, (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) has a Facebook page.  That’s at least -100 uncool points!  So I also have accounts on every other social media stuff.  You won’t believe the stuff people share on Google+!”

The sources stress that the Bolingbrook Police won’t issue tickets or arrests based solely on social media posts.  Instead, they will be provided as “tips” to detectives and other officers.  

Said one source, “Think of it this way.  You invited The Bolingbrook Police into your site.  It’s your fault you’re getting questioned about your Foursquare checkin at gang headquarters!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Bolingbrook Police Department said, “We will neither confirm nor deny this story.  We like to keep the public guessing.”

When called to comment, Claar answered the phone and replied, “I finally made a Twitter post and you didn’t notice!  I win The Internets!”

As for Syntax Error, he hopes this will allow him to fulfill his new dream project.

“I want to create a fake atheist feminist web page, and then track all the commenters who leave threats and harassing messages.  If I get this approved, we’re going to need a bigger jail!”

Also in The Babbler:

The ABCs of what’s wrong with the skeptical movement
New World Order confirms that MH370 is not at Clow UFO Base
Soviets threaten Bolingbrook with severe weather and heat wave

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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