Sunday, June 29, 2014

Chicagoland celebrates Pride: A Babbler Special Report


Six UFOs observe the Chicago Pride Parade on Sunday.

On Sunday thousands of Chicagoland residents celebrated Pride, a celebration of the gay lesbian, bisexual and transsexual communities.  The Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the first Chicago pride event held since Illinois legalized same-sex marriage.

UFOs fly over Chicago Pride Parade

By Reporter X

The LBGT Union of Interstellar Pilots flew over the Chicago Pride parade in show of solidarity.

“I’m glad progress is being made on Earth.”  Said Gigop, Mind One of the Union.  “Sadly, there are places on Earth where humans, and visitors can be killed for who they love.”

Parade participants who were either psychic, or happened to be looking at the right place, saw a squadron of 5 UFOs fly over the parade route.  The squadron performed the pink triangle formation, the spinning lights formation, and merge into a mothership formation.  For their final flyover, the craft did a missing craft formation in honor of the human victims of anti-gay hate crimes.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, was excited to witness the spacecraft.

“I though I was drunk, but thanks to you guys, I now know I was just seeing aliens.  I’m awed to know that there are gay aliens watching over us!”

Record number of ghosts march at Chicago Pride Parade

An estimated 300 ghosts marched at the 2014 Chicago Pride Parade, beating the previous record of 30 in 2000.

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have photographed a group of ghosts.

“I took a picture, and when I looked at the screen, I saw bunch of circles.  I realized that they were orbs!  I took a picture of marching ghosts!  They have to put me on one of those paranormal shows now!”

A medium, who to be in contact with one of the ghosts, said they were very pleased with the progress the living have made with gay rights.

“Some of marchers died believing they suffered from a mental illness.  Others died of AIDS due to the government’s slow response to the crisis.  Today they are happy that gays can marry each other.  There is still work to be done, but they appreciate the progress that has been made.”

A skeptic in the crowd, however, doubted that there were ghosts at the parade.

“Oh my God!  This is a photograph with a bunch of over-saturated pixels.  There are no ghosts in this.  Plus just because someone claims to be a psychic, doesn’t mean they are.  If they think they have proof of ghosts, they should apply for the Million Dollar Challenge!”

Cyborg fails to stop Pride March

Chicago police detained an alleged cyborg who tried to stop the Pride March.

According to sources, the cyborg walked in front of the parade staging point, and demanded that everyone go home.

“You should not demand gay rights at home until the other countries in the world support gay rights!”

At great personal risk, the officers tackled the man and used a taser on him.  Chicago police officers on the scene defended that action.

“Sure he could have been drunk, or he could have been a Terminator.  You can never be too careful around here.  Besides, a lot of people fought and died for the rights we are celebrating today!  We’re not going to let a cyborg spoil this parade!”

The man is currently under the care of Chicago Red Squad, and may be released sometime this week.  They denied that he was from the future.

Also in The Babbler:

Former Bolingbrook Mayor celebrates 45 years of marriage
Downers Grove woman fired for refusing to distribute subliminal ads
Bolingbrook police defuse anti-vaccination bomb in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/2/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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