Sunday, June 29, 2014

Chicagoland celebrates Pride: A Babbler Special Report

Six UFOs observe the Chicago Pride Parade on Sunday.

On Sunday thousands of Chicagoland residents celebrated Pride, a celebration of the gay lesbian, bisexual and transsexual communities.  The Babbler sent out a team of reporters to cover the first Chicago pride event held since Illinois legalized same-sex marriage.

UFOs fly over Chicago Pride Parade

By Reporter X

The LBGT Union of Interstellar Pilots flew over the Chicago Pride parade in show of solidarity.

“I’m glad progress is being made on Earth.”  Said Gigop, Mind One of the Union.  “Sadly, there are places on Earth where humans, and visitors can be killed for who they love.”

Parade participants who were either psychic, or happened to be looking at the right place, saw a squadron of 5 UFOs fly over the parade route.  The squadron performed the pink triangle formation, the spinning lights formation, and merge into a mothership formation.  For their final flyover, the craft did a missing craft formation in honor of the human victims of anti-gay hate crimes.

Paul, who asked that we not use his last name, was excited to witness the spacecraft.

“I though I was drunk, but thanks to you guys, I now know I was just seeing aliens.  I’m awed to know that there are gay aliens watching over us!”

Record number of ghosts march at Chicago Pride Parade

An estimated 300 ghosts marched at the 2014 Chicago Pride Parade, beating the previous record of 30 in 2000.

Doug, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed to have photographed a group of ghosts.

“I took a picture, and when I looked at the screen, I saw bunch of circles.  I realized that they were orbs!  I took a picture of marching ghosts!  They have to put me on one of those paranormal shows now!”

A medium, who to be in contact with one of the ghosts, said they were very pleased with the progress the living have made with gay rights.

“Some of marchers died believing they suffered from a mental illness.  Others died of AIDS due to the government’s slow response to the crisis.  Today they are happy that gays can marry each other.  There is still work to be done, but they appreciate the progress that has been made.”

A skeptic in the crowd, however, doubted that there were ghosts at the parade.

“Oh my God!  This is a photograph with a bunch of over-saturated pixels.  There are no ghosts in this.  Plus just because someone claims to be a psychic, doesn’t mean they are.  If they think they have proof of ghosts, they should apply for the Million Dollar Challenge!”

Cyborg fails to stop Pride March

Chicago police detained an alleged cyborg who tried to stop the Pride March.

According to sources, the cyborg walked in front of the parade staging point, and demanded that everyone go home.

“You should not demand gay rights at home until the other countries in the world support gay rights!”

At great personal risk, the officers tackled the man and used a taser on him.  Chicago police officers on the scene defended that action.

“Sure he could have been drunk, or he could have been a Terminator.  You can never be too careful around here.  Besides, a lot of people fought and died for the rights we are celebrating today!  We’re not going to let a cyborg spoil this parade!”

The man is currently under the care of Chicago Red Squad, and may be released sometime this week.  They denied that he was from the future.

Also in The Babbler:

Former Bolingbrook Mayor celebrates 45 years of marriage
Downers Grove woman fired for refusing to distribute subliminal ads
Bolingbrook police defuse anti-vaccination bomb in Bolingbrook

God to smite Bolingbrook on 7/2/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Ghost truck frightens Bolingbrook residents

File image of a truck.
Eyewitnesses claim to have seen a driverless semi-truck near RT 53 and I-55.

“I was driving back to Bolingbrook when my son noticed a truck behind us.”  Said Paula, who asked that we not use her last name.  “My son started motioning for the truck to honk its horn.  It did.  Then I looked back, and saw there was no driver!  The truck was honking and moving by itself!  Let me tell you, I’ve never driven so fast in my life!”

Charlie, who didn’t give his last name, also claimed he saw the driverless truck.  

“I was going to turn left on to 53, and I saw this driverless truck behind me.  I stared at it in amazement!  Then it honked at me!  I thought it was trying to talk to me, but then I realized it was just telling me that the light had turned green.”

After getting out of the way of the truck, Charlie pulled into a parking lot, and called 911.

“The dispatcher said I was abusing 911.  I told her to shut up and call Bolingbrook’s Department of Paranormal Affairs.  There was a haunted truck in Bolingbrook and she needed to do her job.  She hung up.  The next day, a police officer visited me and warned me not to talk about driverless trucks to anyone, except The Babbler, of course.”

Neil, a long haul truck driver, says he saw the truck at the I-55 Auto/Truck Plaza.  He confirms that it had no driver, but it was occupied.  According to Neil, a young man stepped out of the truck and filled it with gas.  He then struck up a conversation with Neil.  The man told Neil that the truck was part of a secret Microsoft project to create automated trucks.  The man said that if the truck was successful, it would revolutionize the trucking industry, allow Bing Maps to overtake Google Maps, and lower transportation costs.

“I am the future of trucking.”  The man allegedly said.  “While you’re trying to stay awake and not get lost, I’m playing video games, blogging, taking online courses, and getting paid to do nothing except pump gas, and reboot the system if it crashes.  You know what the best part is?  It has no blind spots!  So it’s actually safer on the road than your truck!”

Said Charlie, “That’s the really frightening thing about this truck!  It could cost me my job!”

A spokesperson for Microsoft refused to comment, but did mention an article on the Vox web site about automated trucks.

Also in The Babbler:

Atheists threaten to build monument to Richard Dawkins in Bolingbrook
Soviets fail to drown Chicago
Michi the lake monster dies

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/26/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Clow UFO Base accepts evacuees from Iraqi UFO base

UFO flees Iraq for Bolingbrook, IL.
(Enhanced from REUTERS/Nour Fourat photo)
By Reporter X

Approximately 400 human and alien evacuees from Iraq’s X259 UFO Base arrived at Clow UFO Base over the weekend.  The New World Order evacuated the base following the fall of the Iraqi city of Mosul to forces from the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria.  

“Let me stress that this is not a refugee crisis.”  Said Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar, who is the head administrator of Clow UFO Base.  “This is a last minute administrative reallocation of extraterrestrial space craft on Earth.  This happens all the time.  It just so happened that a civil war made the New World Order reconsider its plans sooner then intended.”

Claar stressed that Clow had plenty of room and supplies for the arriving evacuees.

According to eyewitnesses, X259, which is located 70 miles SW of Mosul, was under the protection of the Iraqi military and security forces under contract to the New World Order.  When the city fell, the troops started abandoning their posts.

Xo Go Po of Proxima Centauri described the initial shock.

“The troops were taking off their uniforms and driving away.  I asked why, and they said that they their job was to make visitors feel safe.  Not to actually defend us.  Especially against violent militants like ISIS.  The troops told me that they were too violent even al-Qaeda. They said they’d rather take their chances in the desert than face them.”

Other eyewitnesses confirm that after the troops departed, the contractors started demanding more money to protect the base.

Another eyewitness, who asked not to be identified explained, “I heard the security forces say they knew what happened to captured government troops.  They said if the NWO would have to pay more if they wanted to avoid an interstellar incident.”

Various sources confirm that the NWO assessed the situation and decided to evacuate the base rather than risk it falling to ISIS.

“There is no risk of ISIS gaining alien technology.”  Said NWO Liaison Jeff Wagg.  “We even destroyed the underground bunkers after emptying them!”

While all the evacuees expressed relief to be out of Iraq, many were angry that they had to be evacuated in the first place.

“The NWO said we would be safe in Iraq!”  Said Po.  “They said we could study the origin of human civilization in peace.  Now we’re in a suburb of Chicago.  Chicago and Bolingbrook are nice, but they are not the cradle of civilization!”

Wagg defended the NWO’s decision to operate a UFO Base in Iraq.

“Then President George Bush promised to inject microchips into the Iraqi people to subdue them.  Based on that promise, we built the base.  We since learned that the chips didn’t work, and were made by the same company that built phony bomb detectors.  We tried to make the best of a bad situation, and now we feel that a temporary evacuation of the base is the best course of action.”

Wagg also defended the NWO’s situation of Iraq.

“We’re doing our best in the face of Illuminati resistance .  There’s a saying in our organization.  Just because we give new orders doesn’t mean everyone will follow them.  It is just going to take us a few more years to get everyone in the Middle East to follow our orders.”

Claar also assured Bolingbrook’s residents that the evacuees won’t cause any local problems.

“Don’t think of them as refugees.  Think of them as potential customers and job creators!”

Also in The Babbler:

Aliens peacefully enjoy the World Cup
Babbler welcomes new animal hospital to Bolingbrook
Aliens promise not to bring death rays to new shooting range

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/19/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Christian satirist sends Secular Coalition for America into chaos

Is this a Photoshopped image designed to ridicule the atheist movement?
From the blog, Butterflies and Wings.

Christian satirical blogger Joseph of Bolingbrook claimed responsibility for the recent upheaval at the Secular Coalition for America.

According to Joseph, his satirical web page, Global Secular Council, was intended to poke fun at the SCA.  Instead, SCA claimed responsibility for the site.  This lead to a twitter war with blogger Ophelia Benson, and the site itself may have been a factor that lead to the removal of the SCA’s Executive Director Edwina Rogers.

“The secularists just can’t take a joke.”  Said Joseph.  “I proved to them that one man using the creative power of Jesus Christ can bring down one of their organizations.  I mean, how many secular organizations do they really need?  Anyway, they are in chaos, and I am blessed!”

Joseph said God told him to create the GSC web site after he heard about the SCA’s Secular Summit and Lobby Day.

“These unholy people were going to walk into the Capitol Building, which was created to honor God!  So I prayed for guidance and then randomly picked a quote from the Bible.  Luke 4-37 ‘And the fame of him went out into every place of the country round about.’  That meant God wanted me to create a web page.”

Joseph said he was inspired to create of council of “the atheists I hate the most!”  Though he called it global, the members only consisted of Americans, UK residents, and one Swedish national.  The leaders are mostly male, while most of the support staff are female.

“Atheists think they know everything about the world, but really they’re just a much of rich, white, isolated men who worship Ayn Rand.  So I wanted to the council’s membership to reflect that.  Plus all their policy recommendations are from the prospective of the United States Government.  Come on!  An entire section on the US Constitution for a global organization?”

After using Photoshop to create group pictures of the council, he launched the web page and Twitter account.  Though he expected to be attacked by Atheists, he was surprised when the atheist community took him seriously.

“They missed the obvious clues.”  Claimed Joseph.  “My picture of Michael Shermer with his arm around Edwina?  No serious organization would use that as a header image.  None of the leaders having experience in global studies?  Two cats on the advisory board?  I was going to use Anti-psychic Kitty, but I didn’t want to get in trouble with The Babbler.  Still, these people are supposed to be the most reasonable humans on Earth?”

Joseph suspects that the atheist leadership liked the idea of a secular “super group,” and many atheists enjoyed his Twitter war with Benson.

“I wasn’t sure what to do when she started questioning me.  So I let God lead my finger to a Bible quote.  Isaiah 53:9 ‘And he made his grave with the wicked, and with the rich in his death; because he had done no violence, neither was any deceit in his mouth.’  So that meant starting a passive aggressive flame war with her.”

After a several weeks, Joseph claims that Rogers threatened legal action unless he handed over the site and Twitter account to him.  

“The Bible said, Ephesians 6:18 ‘Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints.’  So I gave them to her.”

Rogers, he claims, was terminated a few days later.

“They say it was partly because two of her subordinates embezzled $78,805 from the group.  I say it was because they wanted her to take the blame for my web site embarrassing the secular movement.”

Joseph told the SCA that he was going to go to the press with his story.  He claims he was contacted by Matt Dillahunty of the Atheist Experience TV show.  Dillahunty “promised” that his followers and him would “engage in countless debates” with Joseph on Twitter and on his blog if he went public.  He then demonstrated his “debating technique” on a female atheist who called the atheist movement “a joke.”

“I asked God, and he directed me to Matthew 23:24 ‘Ye blind guides, which strain at a gnat, and swallow a camel.’  So I decided to tell you guys instead of the mainstream media.”

Benson and Rogers could not be reached for comment.  The SCA wouldn’t comment on the record for this story.  Dillahunty denied knowing Joseph, and promised to “debate” The Babbler if this article is printed.

One SCA member, who asked not to be identified, accused Joseph of lying, and that the GSC was a project of the SCA.

“Right now that project is under review, and I’m doing the first inspection.”  He said while talking on the phone.

Later in the phone call, it sounded like the source entered a room where loud dance music was playing.  One man screamed, “Total freedom!  We love it!”  Another man in the background exclaimed, “I love you man!”  The source told that man to stop hugging him.  The music stopped.

“What is going on? Who is in charge?  What the hell?  You two had better have a good explanation for that.”

“Um, we’re studying the Columbian underground economy?”

As for Joseph, he plans on producing another web site.

“I’m going to start the Illinois Skeptical Congress web page.  They’ll say it represents all skeptics in Illinois, but all the members will be Chicago residents.  I’ll also say it’s a project of Chicago Skeptics.  I wonder if they’ll do a better job of figuring out the truth?”

Also in The Babbler:

Soviets launch cool air attack on Bolingbrook
Clow UFO Base names auditorium after Mayor Roger Claar
Aliens employing Bolingbrook teenagers

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/12/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Sources: Bolingbrook Police to start social media division

Will the Bolingbrook police department start patrolling social media sites.  Sources close to the Bolingbrook PD say yes.

The decision was made after the Will County Forest Preserve District issued a ticket to a woman based on a Facebook post.  The Forest Preserve revoked the ticket, and, according to the Chicago Tribune, said, “The employee had good intentions, but it wasn’t a good idea,” Bolingbrook Police Department officials, however, were impressed.

Said one source, “The chief turned to me and said, ‘Why aren’t we doing that?’  Good question, I replied!”  

The sources agree that the program will be led by former hacker and Bolingbrook resident Syntax Error.  Syntax Error previously worked with the Bolingbrook Police to stop a computer virus from taking over Village Hall.

Syntax Error confirmed that he is the head of the new division.

“I found Jesus and gave up my wicked ways.  With this job, I can use my computer skills and punish the wicked!”

According to Syntax Error, he, along with two other officers, will spend each weekday following Bolingbrook’s social media users, and reporting any criminal activity.

“You’d be amazed at what people will openly admit on their social media sites.  I just started this project a few days ago, and you won’t believe how many photos of underage drinking I’ve found.  Amazing!”

Syntax Error says he has no problem becoming Facebook friends by using his 50 fake accounts.

“Most people like to collect Facebook friends.  It makes them feel important, I guess.  So it’s very easy to get the inside scoop.”

Syntax Error added that his team would be monitoring other sites as well.

“Everyone has to be on Facebook, but lets face it.  Ha!  Anyway, It’s not exactly the cool site among young people.  Heck, (Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar) has a Facebook page.  That’s at least -100 uncool points!  So I also have accounts on every other social media stuff.  You won’t believe the stuff people share on Google+!”

The sources stress that the Bolingbrook Police won’t issue tickets or arrests based solely on social media posts.  Instead, they will be provided as “tips” to detectives and other officers.  

Said one source, “Think of it this way.  You invited The Bolingbrook Police into your site.  It’s your fault you’re getting questioned about your Foursquare checkin at gang headquarters!”

When asked to comment, a spokesperson for the Bolingbrook Police Department said, “We will neither confirm nor deny this story.  We like to keep the public guessing.”

When called to comment, Claar answered the phone and replied, “I finally made a Twitter post and you didn’t notice!  I win The Internets!”

As for Syntax Error, he hopes this will allow him to fulfill his new dream project.

“I want to create a fake atheist feminist web page, and then track all the commenters who leave threats and harassing messages.  If I get this approved, we’re going to need a bigger jail!”

Also in The Babbler:

The ABCs of what’s wrong with the skeptical movement
New World Order confirms that MH370 is not at Clow UFO Base
Soviets threaten Bolingbrook with severe weather and heat wave

God to smite Bolingbrook on 6/5/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.