Saturday, May 17, 2014

Web Exclusive: CFI’s pet fellows defeat Operation American Spring



In a show of intelligence over firepower, the Center for Inquiry’s cat and dog fellows frighten over 10 million armed activists away from Washington DC.

“When I saw the millions of people running away, I didn’t know what to expect.”  Said Bob, a resident of Alexandria, VA.  “When I saw they were running away from four dogs and three cats, I was amazed.  I knew dogs and cats were smart, but not that smart.”

The animals were in Alexandria for CFI’s Women in Secularism conference.  The cat and dog fellows were part of a secret breeding project by the James Randi Educational Foundation to create animals that have human level intelligence and radiate anti-psychic energy.  After the JREF abandoned the project, the three remaining cats and six dogs were adopted by CFI, and promoted to fellows.  They were at the conference for an exclusive fund raising dinner for CFI.  Cassie, a calico, was scheduled to present a speech at the dinner, with the assistance of a translating device.

While in the pet lounge before the dinner, the dogs heard, over what they call the “dognet” that several million humans, armed with guns, were marching in their direction.  Reggie, a pit bull, said that these humans were coming to bully “her mistress,” CFI DC’s Executive Director Melody Hensley.  Reggie vowed to fight to the death to protect his mistress and all the attendees at the conference.

Feline fellow Andy, who some say is part dog, was sitting in the canine section of the lounge as Reggie announced his attention.  Andy, excited about what he has heard, raced back to the feline section, and told his other fellows, Anti-psychic Kitty and Cassie.  Anti-psychic Kitty told Andy to be calm down and be more skeptical of the claim.

Said Anti-psychic Kitty, “someone needed to be the skeptic in the room.  Who better than me?”

With the help of their human assistants, the cats searched the Internet to find out what could be happening.  They soon found out that the marchers were part of Operation American Spring.  The 10 million armed activists planned to rally in Washington DC to remove the President, Vice-president, and any politicians they considered to have violated their oath of office.

Knowing this, the cats had their handlers quickly arrange a meeting with their canine counterparts.  While the meeting was tense at first, with the cats cowering in their carriers, the dogs did listen to what the cats had to say.  Dougie, the dog’s Constitutional Law expert, said Operation American Spring was about to commit treason against the United States government.  Cassie added that while WiS wasn’t their direct target, everyone would be in danger if fighting erupted in DC.  Dougie also feared that some of the activists might threaten CFI members because the activists oppose the separation of church and state while CFI supports it.

“That won't take down my CFI pack!”  Reggie growled.  “I’ll bit as many as I can before they put me down!”

“No Reggie.”  Cassie calmly countered.  “Their pack is larger than your pack.  You cannot fight them with teeth alone.  You have to out think them, and I think I have a plan.”

Later, Reggie said, “Out thinking another pack instead of growling and fighting?  What a concept!  I guess that’s the reason cats are still around.”

Anti-psychic Kitty asked the handlers to get them a stage, bulletproof glass, and a PA system with a canine translation device.  They had to assemble the stage at a point where they could stop the marchers before they passed by the convention.

“To most people, that would seem like an impossible task.”  Said Morgan, who asked that we not use his last name.  “But we have connections, and if we threaten to expose their atheism, they’ll get you what you want, when you want it.”

When the marchers arrived two blocks from the hotel, they saw Reggie standing on the stage with a microphone.  The other dogs and cats where behind him.

“Go away!  Washington DC is our territory!  You can’t come here.  Leave right now or my pit bull friends will kill all of you!”

At first, the crowd stood in stunned silence as they struggled to believe they were listening to a talking dog.  Then a man pulled out his converted automatic rifle and started shooting at the fellows.  The bullets deflected off the clear bulletproof cage without leaving a mark.

The man turned towards the activists.

“It’s a pit bull and it’s bulletproof!  Our guns are worthless against it!”

Half the marchers jumped in the air in horror.  Their impact upon landing could be felt by the convention attendees.  Then all the activists fled in horror.

Justin, who asked that we not use his last name, was driving towards the convention when he was caught up in the chaos.

“I turned the corner, and there were millions of people in front of me, running like mad.  Then this guy jumped into my car and pointed a gun at my head.  He said that the government had just unleashed a horde of zombie pit bulls and he wanted me to take him home.  All I wanted to do was to personally express my disagreement with feminism.  Instead, I’m stuck in Georgia.  I’m broke, my smart phone is dead,  and I'm out of gas.  (Expletive deleted) you Obama!”

The fellows then arrived at the fundraiser as planned, and did not mention the incident to the attendees.

Said Morgan, “it is scary when dogs and cats work together.”

When asked to comment, a female CFI representative said their normal public relations person was in hiding, and denied that CFI had foiled Operation American Spring.

“We’re just so happy here!  CFI president Ron Lindsay welcomed us this year!  That’s a major improvement over last year.  Plus we have awesome speakers, and awesome attendees!  That’s the real story here!  I've got to go!  Now's my chance to get my picture taken with Courtney!”

No one from Operation American Spring could be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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