Sunday, May 4, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: No space aliens in the UK says UKIP!

By Reporter Zed

Note: Due to legal issues in the United Kingdom, our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler was not allowed to run this article.  We are posting this article on our web page in solidarity with our sister publication.  Most spellings have been Americanized. 

Sources within the United Kingdom Independence Party say if elected, they will evict all space aliens.

“Now I’m not racist.”  Said one source.  “But (expletive deleted) those little green men and their superior attitude!  We once ruled most of the world until we let those filthy creatures on to the island.  Again, I’m not being racist, but all aliens are filthy creatures who shouldn’t be spoiling British soil!”

The sources agree that if the party gains control of the House of Commons in 2015, their first act will be to shutdown all 20 UFO bases, and evict all 1000 resident space aliens from the country.  

“I’m not racist.”  Said another source within the party.  “All we’re asking is that they keep their bizarre cultures and their godless super science off our islands!”

“I’m also not racist.”  Said a third source.  “The party is simply saying to the universe that access to advance technology, new medicines, and greater knowledge of the universe is not with the cost of diluting our superior British Culture!”

Critics of UKIP charge that such an eviction would cost the UK an estimated £100 trillion, destroy the UK’s covert science foundations, drive the UK into the dark ages, and incur the wrath of the New World Order.

Said Bruce Z. Wellington, Deep Shadow Secretary for Labour’s Office of Outer Space Affairs, “Universal Isolationism isn’t the answer.  Just look at the Chinese for example.  They tried isolationism, and nearly because a British Colony.  If we isolate ourselves from the universe, we’ll fall so far behind that we’ll turn into a colony, and we won’t be able free ourselves, like the Americans did.  We’d turn into the native americans, and I don’t want to see that happen!”

Added Robert X. Cameron, Deep Shadow Secretary for the Tories Office of Outer Space Affairs, “Too many job creators have connections with our interstellar friends for us to allow this to happen.  Aliens are the key to enriching our business leaders.  Austerity is for the poor, not for our supporters!”

Og Pgod, spokesperson for the Resident Interstellar Society of the UK, denounced the UKIP’s alleged policy.

“I’m not anti-UKIP, but this party seems to be made up of passive aggressive racists who feel that their small damp island is the height of civilization.  Visitors like us are trying to help your island move away from carbon based fuels, and the UKIP wants to undermine our efforts.  Your planet is trying to kill you, and the UKIP wants to help!  We are the real friends of Britain!  Oh, and if you are really concerned about religion and politics, why don’t you work for a separation of church and state, instead of waging a holy war?  Think of what the world would be like if the British hadn’t driven out so many people over religion!”

No one from the UKIP would publicly comment to The Mumbler.

Also in The Manchester Mumbler:

Daily Mail secretly controlled by atheists say sources
Editorial: United States and Canada should stop bickering and merge
Russia threatens to annex Manchester ‘Ukraine style’

God to smite Manchester on 7/5/2014

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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