Sunday, May 25, 2014

Disembodied brains terrorize Bolingbrook

Did this brain appear from nowhere?
Twelve organic brains spontaneous appeared around Bolingbrook on Saturday.

Carl, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that one of the brains appeared while Mayor Roger Claar was hosting a BBQ.  According to Carl, Claar had just turned away from his grill, when former Mayor Edward Rosenthal commented that he didn’t think cow brains could be grilled.

“We all turned around, and we saw this brain sitting on one of the racks.  I swear it wasn’t there before!”

Everyone at the party suddenly felt intense pain.  A second later, the brain disappeared, and the sensation went away.  

“We were all frightened, but then Roger smiled, and said we now had a story we could tell The Babbler.  He was so calm in the face of this face of this incident.  That’s why I wish I could keep voting for him forever.”

Jacqueline, who asked that we not use her last name, said her 5 year old daughter saw one of the brains.

“I was kind of asleep when a heard a loud clanging sound.  Then my daughter ran into the room and said there was a brain in her cereal bowl.  When I walked into the dining room, the bowl was overturned, and there was a mess everywhere.  Sure she could have made up the story to cover up for making a mess?  But why make up a lie like that?  No, the best answer is that a brain spontaneous appeared in her cereal bowl!”

A source familiar with Bolingbrook’s 911 Dispatch department confirmed they received calls regarding the brains.

“One of them joked that it must be brain day.  Of course, on the phone, they were very professional and did their best to avoid a mass panic.”

Though it may seem impossible, The Skeptical Teacher said it was scientifically possible.

“Assuming you’re telling the truth, which is doubtful, then what you are describing are Boltzmann Brains.  That means assuming we live in a universe that will last until infinity, any improbable event will eventually happen.  In this case, Bolingbrook was lucky enough to see 12 brains spontaneously materialize in Bolingbrook.”

The Skeptical Teacher said the brains were most likely harmless.  He suspected that during their brief existence, they are just confused because their sensory experience doesn’t match their preformed memories.  If anyone encounters such a brain, he said they should not panic, but wait until it disappears, and clean up the area it occupied with bleach.  Any brain that lasts longer than 30 minutes should be reported to local authorities.

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I’m getting ready to honor our veterans this weekend!  I don’t have time for this.”

A call to the Rosenthal residence was answered by his daughter Rachel, who said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Rosenthal said, “Sean, if your theory is correct, then why did a brain spontaneously appear in my dog’s food bowl?  Maybe I just proved the existence of the multiverse?”

Also in The Babbler:

Atheists appoint global 'thought leaders'
Remember those who served in The Bolingbrook Time War
Scientists assure Chicago Skeptics that summer will occur this year

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/30/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

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