Sunday, May 18, 2014

Atheist TV’s fall schedule revealed



Weeks after American Atheists announced the launch of Atheist TV, sources have revealed the fall schedule.

“(American Atheist president David Silverman) held back the good stuff when he announced the network.”  Said Bruce, who asked that we not use his last name, or reveal his connection to American Atheists.  “The new programs will blow everyone away, and could lead the way for us to become a broadcast network!”

When Silverman announced that the network, which will start operation this summer on Roku, will feature videos of past atheist conventions, as well as content by atheist video bloggers, videos from other atheist groups, and reruns of “The Atheist Viewpoint.” “The Atheist Viewpoint” was produced by the founder of American Atheists, Madalyn Murray.

This fall, according to the sources, “Top quality first run programs” will be added to the network.  All the sources provided descriptions of the teaser trailers for the new programs.  American Atheists plan on having at least one new program on each day of the week.

For Sundays, Atheist TV will have two Sunday news programs.  The first one will be hosted by Silverman.

***

Hi!  I’m David Silverman, president of American Atheists.  You’ve seen me be the token atheist on Fox News for years.  Now I’m the star of my own show.  Each Sunday I’ll have guests that will represent all viewpoints within the atheist movement.  If I’m in a really good mood, I’ll let Chris Stedman represent organized religion!  So join me for “The Hangover, with David Silverman!”  Why call it the hangover?  Because I’m not Jewish, and I can party on Saturday night if I want to!”

***

The second Sunday program will be “Three hours with the Black Skeptics, hosted by Sikivu Hutchinson.”

Though a teaser trailer hasn’t been produced yet, Bruce explained the importance of the program.

“It has so much to offer.  It affirms our commitment to diversity, it will make The Freethought Blogs network happy, and it will please the intellectuals within the atheist movement.  If you think Rachel Maddow’s show is like watching a grade schooler give a book report, than you will love Sikivu!”

Weekday afternoons, Atheist TV will broadcast a talk show co-produced by The Skepchicks.

***

Hi.  I’m Surly Amy, the host of “Seriously Surly.”  Join me each afternoon as I feature fine art, friendly conversation, and fun food without the (expletive deleted) woo!  It will be fun.  Won’t you join me?

***

Dale, another source, is really excited about Atheist TV’s prime time programs.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if all these programs won their time slots on Roku!  They’re that good!”

Monday’s programs will be called, “The Patheos Bloc”, and will feature two atheist bloggers on the Patheos network.

The first will be a “reality comedy” focused on the creator of The Friendly Atheist Blog, Hemant Mehta.

***

Join us Monday’s at 9 PM Eastern for “The Friendly Life”  Watch as Hemant Mehta struggles to juggle blogging, teaching, traveling, family life and entertaining a television audience at the same time!  You won’t stop laughing!

*Hemant is on his computer at home writing a blog.*

Voice:  Hemant, come here please.

Hemant:  In a bit!

*Pause*

Voice:  Hemant.  Please come here.

Hemant:  Almost done.

*Pause*

Voice *seductive*:  I’m in the bedroom, Hemant.

*Hemant stops typing*

Hemant:  The Pope just made a mathematical error on the Internet!  I have to finish this post, then I’ll stop by!

Voice:  HEMANT!

***

The second Monday program is a “reality game show” called, “The Next Great Atheist Philosopher,” hosted by Dan Fincke.  Twenty-two contestants will compete in a series of challenges designed to impress Fincke, and earn the title of “The Next Great Atheist Philosopher.”

***

*A contestant is in a dark room on a computer.  Internet comments are streaming at him.*

Voiceover:  I’ve been pretending to be a female on the Internet for only an hour.  Already I’ve received 30 rape threats, 100 offers for sex, 90 demands for me to commit suicide and 20 dick pictures sent to me.  When I posted as myself, the Internet loved my brilliant ideas.  With my female avatar, my same ideas are called stupid and I’m being told to shut up.  It is almost enough to make want to change my ideas about feminism, but I won’t!  For I must stay strong in the face of adversity if I want to be The Next Great Atheist Philosopher!  Still I’m glad my time is almost up.  I can’t wait to go to bed.

*A popup window appears*

Window:  Congratulations!  You have now unlocked the Adjunct Level.  To survive this challenge and have a chance to become The Next Great Atheist Philosopher, you must go beyond your physical limits and still maintain your critical thinking abilities.

*A double door swings open, and a blinding light fills the room.  Dan enters the room like a divine figure.  The light dims.  Dan turns to the contestant and smiles.*

Dan:  Contestant!  Hand me my Doritos!  You’re going to spend a sleepless night with me on the Internet!

***

The sources were very excited about Tuesday’s program.

“We may have our answer to Chuck Norris.”  Said Bruce.

***

*In a small Texas town, a preacher speaks as tumble weeds roll by.  The unhappy residents trudge by as the preacher speaks.*

Preacher: Texas is not pure enough!  God is punishing us with drought and tornadoes!

Voice:  Some say Texas is beyond hope.

Preacher:  One of you still believes in evolution.  One of you still reads filthy web pages.  One of you has impure thoughts about men.  All of you have not fully accepted Jesus Christ.

Voice:  They that once darkness falls, no amount of light can ever drive it back.

Preacher:  As long as we can access the Internet, God will punish us.  As long as abortion clinics are open in Texas, God will punish us.  As long as women are allow to wear bikinis, God will punish us!

Voice:  They say Texas is beyond all rational hope.

Preacher:  Let me help you.

Voice:  I say I have a job to do.

Preacher:  Let me drive out the devil in each and all of you so that each of you can go to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Voice:  Excuse me.

*The Preacher turns and then screams in horror.  The camera turns and focuses on Aaron Ra looking down on The Preacher.  He is wearing all black.  Words appear on the screen*

Aron Ra: Texas Rationalist

***

Wednesday will feature programs with “International themes.”  

Sure we’re American Atheists.”  Said Bruce.  “However, the Internet is international, and we do have to cater to that audience occasionally.

The first program will also cater to comic book fans.

***

*A woman with blonde hair who has obviously had too much plastic surgery is standing in the field surrounded by evergreen trees.  Tied to one of the trees is another woman wearing a white lab coat.*

Villain:  Now Dr. Rachie!  With you out of the way, I will be able persuade all of Canada to stop vaccinating their children.  Then I will unleash a plague that will destroy all of North America, and maybe the world!  No one will be able to stop me!

Hero:  Excuse me.

*The Villain turns.  She sees a women wearing a red and white pirate outfit with a black hat and black mask standing in the field.*

Hero:  Please release the hostage and turn yourself in, or we will have to stop you.

Villain:  We?  Who is we?

Hero:  That would be me.

*Two male and two female superheroes land in the field.  Each is wearing a Canadian themed superhero outfit.*

Hero:  And The Legion of Reason.

*The villain assumes a fighting stance.*

Hero:  You will surrender, eh?

***

The other program will feature famed biologist and atheist Richard Dawkins.

***

Dawkins:  Hello.  I’m Richard Dawkins.  For years I have been shocking the world, 140 characters at a time on Twitter.  Imagine what I can do with 120 minutes each week?

*Words appear on the screen*

Richard Dawkins Unleashed

***

Thursday will feature two new shows.  The first will be “throwback simple sitcom with an atheist twist.”

***

Two women are sitting in an office.

Jan:  My rent just increased. With my salary from The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry, there’s no way I can pay my rent.

Jill:  My girlfriend just kicked me out.  With my Center for Inquiry salary, there’s no way I’ll find a new apartment.

Jan:  Why don’t you move in with me?

Jill:  Really?

Jan:  Sure, it’s the most rational thing to do.

*Montage of the two walking around Amherst, NY.*

Narrator:  Can a humanist and a skeptic live in the same apartment without driving each other crazy?  Find out each Thursday on “The CFI Couple.”


*Jan and Jill are in their apartment.*

Jan:  Are you going to the Chris’s speech on El Chupacabra?  

Jill:  No.  I’m going to the CFI Social Justice Book Club meeting.

Jan:  Oh, and I suppose you’re going to say I’m racist because I think some Puerto Ricans are stupid for believing in El Chupacabra?  (Laugh track)

*Next scene.  Jan and Jill are in the CFI/CSI cubical farm, speaking across the aisle from each other.*

Jill:  I heard you say you were going to invite Rich to your convention.  You do know that a lot of women have complained about his behavior at conventions.

Jan:  Unless they can prove their charges beyond a reasonable doubt, we will invite him.  

Jill:  That’s a standard for the government to use, not private organizations.  We don’t have the power to throw people in jail.  Why can’t we use preponderance of the evidence when looking at these situations?

Jan:  Jill, you know there’s a saying in the skeptical movement.  “When in doubt, always defer to the wise men of skepticism.  They’re better thinkers than you.”

Jill:  You really think that?

Jan:  Sure.  Saying that helps me whenever I have doubts about my doubts.  (Laugh track)

*Next scene.  An African American woman is standing in the aisle talking to Jan and Jill.*

Pam:  Skepticism is important to ensure that our efforts are grounded in reality when working towards greater social justice.  But unless skeptics address inequality in the world and within our own movement, skepticism will never be more than a libertarian hobby.  Skepticism is for everyone, not just the powerful.  Everyone should be working towards greater social justice.  That’s why CFI and CSI are together under the same roof.  Together, we can create a just world grounded in science and reason.

Jan:  Wow.  For a janitor, you are smart.

Pam:  Janitor?  For your information, I am the director of outreach for CFI, and the president of African Americans for Humanism!

*Jan looks dumbfounded as the laugh track plays.*

Narrator:  The CFI Couple.  Thursdays this fall on Atheist TV.

***

The second show is described as “high drama in the Windy City.”

“Chicago is giving away money to film in their fine city.”  Said Bruce.  “So why not produce a show there?”

***

*Montage of Chicago*

Narrator:  Thursday nights.  Get ready to experience atheist activism.  Chicago style.

*Two men are in a rundown building.  Don is African American.  Joel is white.*

Don:  No matter what I do, my family can’t escape religion.  It’s everywhere.  Every politician is a member of a church.  How can I save my brilliant daughter from turning into a Christian zombie?

Joel (Pulls out pliers.):  You’re new here, so I’m going to show you the Chicago way to fight religion.

Narrator:  When New Atheism isn’t hardcore enough, turn to the Chicago Atheists.  This fall on Atheist TV.


***

The sources were also excited about their programing for Friday.  

“Friday is a wild day, and Atheist TV wants to take you on a wild ride on that day!”  Said Dale.

***

*Brian Dunning is addressing the camera, wearing an orange jump suit.*

Brian:  Hello.  I’m Brian Dunning.  I made millions exploiting eBay’s buggy programing.  Instead of being rewarded for my brilliance, I was taken to court and forced to plead guilty to wire fraud.  I expected to pay a fine, and then start a non-profit organization.  Unfortunately, eBay influenced the judge.  Now I’m spending the next seven years at San Quentin.  So each Friday I’m inviting you to join me on “Behind Bars with Brian Dunning.”

*Montage of Brian in prison*

Narrator:  Watch as Brian Dunning takes skeptical activism where it has never been before.

*Brian is speaking to a prisoner in the dinning area*

Brian:  So as you can see, a diet rich in GMOs is actually richer in nutrients than an organic diet.

Prisoner:  So you’re saying that the cooks aren’t trying to kill us.

Brian:  No.  They want you to be healthy so you can leave prison ready to start a new life.

Prisoner:  There is no future for me out there!

Brian:  I’m skeptical of that.  In my case, I’ve already lined up speaking gigs and paid podcast interviews once I’m out of here.  Let me make a deal with you.  If you’ll give me your cigarettes, I will send you a copy of my book, Skeptoid, and it will help you turn your life around.  Plus your kind donation will allow me to keep teaching skepticism to the general population.

Prisoner:  But I heard that you receive a carton of cigarettes every week.  That makes you the richest man in San Quentin.  Why do you need my cigarettes? 

Brian:  Don’t think of it as enriching my meager pockets.  Think of it as supporting education and critical thinking.  You can also think of it as payment for my services!

Prisoner *gets up*:  You’re in for a rude awakening here.

*Next scene.  Brian is in the prison yard walking towards a group of African American prisoners.*

Brian (To the camera):  Using the power of critical thinking, I will end segregation in this prison.

*Brian is stopped when a prisoner steps in front of him.*

Prisoner:  This is our space.  Why don’t you hang out with the other white people?

Brian:  Because I am a skeptic and my knowledge of human evolution tells me that all humans came from Africa.  So that makes me an African American, and therefore I am entitled to be on this side of the yard!

*The Prisoner glares at Brian.*

Brian:  It also means you are entitled to be on the white side of the yard if you want.

*The other prisoners laugh*

Brian:  You may laugh, but you don’t understand the power of skepticism.  So why don’t we stop arguing, and let me start teaching you the truth about Bigfoot.  OK homie?

*Brian is now in solitary confinement.*

Narrator:  Brian will also tackle the popular myths about imprisonment.

Brian:  Solitary confinement.  Some say that it is a form of torture, and can cause mental illness.  What is the truth?  Despite the name, it isn’t really solitary confinement.  In my case, the warden was kind enough to provide me with three talking pink horses to keep me company.

*Brian is now the lounge.  A group of white prisoners are approaching him.  One is shirtless and appears to be the leader.  He is very strong and his chest is covered in tattoos.*

Prisoner:  “You said DDT was safe!  My girlfriend is in the hospital because of you!”

Brian (To the camera):  According to popular myth, we should be fighting.  Actually, he’s asking me to engage in a rap battle.  My friends say that’s how most real prison conflicts are solved.  Now watch me surprise him with my superior raping and breakdancing skills.

*Brian starts rapping about chemistry and attempts to do the wave dance.  Then he tries to moonwalk towards the prisoner.*

Narrator:  This fall, join us every Friday for the most dangerous show in all of skepticism!

*Brain turns around and thrusts his head to be inches from the prisoner’s face.

Brian:  Science!  It works (expletive deleted)!

***

Atheist TV will also have a three hour bloc of programing starting at 11 PM Eastern time.  Bruce had few details, but confirmed that it would be called “Penn and Teller’s Slime Time.”  He added that it would contain more offensive moments than their unprintable Showtime series did.

“Basically, if you have any sense of decency what so ever, don’t watch this show!”  Said Bruce.

Saturday, by contrast, promises to have family friendly programing.  Saturday morning’s will feature reruns of the first season of Scooby Doo Where Are You!  

“We want our children to experience the true Scooby Doo!”  Said Dale.  “I guess the producers started thinking that if the monsters are fake, kids will realize that God is fake.  They had to change the show, but we’re restoring the original!”

In the afternoon, Atheist TV will show “Secular High.”  According to Dale, it will be co-produced by the Secular Student Alliance.  The series will follow a fictional SSA High School and the challenges that come from running a secular student group.  During each “very special episode,” a real member of the SSA’s national organization will visit the character’s chapter and offer them advice on how to deal with their problems.

“It will be like Degrassi High!  Only it will be set in America, and the teens will be atheists!”  Said Dale.

Dale also provided an excerpt from the show.

***

*The secular students are having a meeting with faculty advisor Hana.*

Paula:  My friend Donna doesn’t feel well.  I think she’s sick or something.

Doug:  She’s like really religious isn’t she.

Paula:  Yeah!

Dan:  That settles it.  Religion is a form of mental illness!  We need to get turn her into an atheist right now before she dies!

Paula: Religion is not her problem.  Just because God is unbelievable doesn’t mean all religious people are mentally ill!

Doug:  Maybe Dan’s right, and we are the only sane people in this school!

Paula:  You’re wrong!

Hana!  Everyone!  We’re all very concerned about Donna’s well being.  However, we can’t say that religion is her problem.  Mental illness  is a very complex problem, and I’ve brought a special friend to help explain it to us.

*A woman walks into the room.*

All students:  It’s Kate!  From the Internet!

***

Dave Muscato, Public Relations Director for American Atheists, denied that a fall season is in the works for Atheist TV, and specifically that alleged new series were not real.

“Roku doesn’t work that way!  Someone in your office has way too much time on their hands.  Where do you even come up with these ideas?  Look, when we’re ready to launch Atheist TV we’ll let you know.  Right now David is attempting to do interfaith work with the Muslim community.”

In the background, a man who sounded like Silverman said, “We do have common ground!  You hate Christian prayers at government meetings.  We hate Christian prayers at government meetings.  Let’s work together!  Hello?”

Also In The Babbler:

Chicago Police Union fights for “No RoboCop” clause in next contract
Mayor Claar denies plans to visit the Moon.
Lisle’s tree reject calls for human democracy

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/22/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

No comments: