Sunday, May 25, 2014

Disembodied brains terrorize Bolingbrook

Did this brain appear from nowhere?
Twelve organic brains spontaneous appeared around Bolingbrook on Saturday.

Carl, who asked that we not use his last name, claimed that one of the brains appeared while Mayor Roger Claar was hosting a BBQ.  According to Carl, Claar had just turned away from his grill, when former Mayor Edward Rosenthal commented that he didn’t think cow brains could be grilled.

“We all turned around, and we saw this brain sitting on one of the racks.  I swear it wasn’t there before!”

Everyone at the party suddenly felt intense pain.  A second later, the brain disappeared, and the sensation went away.  

“We were all frightened, but then Roger smiled, and said we now had a story we could tell The Babbler.  He was so calm in the face of this face of this incident.  That’s why I wish I could keep voting for him forever.”

Jacqueline, who asked that we not use her last name, said her 5 year old daughter saw one of the brains.

“I was kind of asleep when a heard a loud clanging sound.  Then my daughter ran into the room and said there was a brain in her cereal bowl.  When I walked into the dining room, the bowl was overturned, and there was a mess everywhere.  Sure she could have made up the story to cover up for making a mess?  But why make up a lie like that?  No, the best answer is that a brain spontaneous appeared in her cereal bowl!”

A source familiar with Bolingbrook’s 911 Dispatch department confirmed they received calls regarding the brains.

“One of them joked that it must be brain day.  Of course, on the phone, they were very professional and did their best to avoid a mass panic.”

Though it may seem impossible, The Skeptical Teacher said it was scientifically possible.

“Assuming you’re telling the truth, which is doubtful, then what you are describing are Boltzmann Brains.  That means assuming we live in a universe that will last until infinity, any improbable event will eventually happen.  In this case, Bolingbrook was lucky enough to see 12 brains spontaneously materialize in Bolingbrook.”

The Skeptical Teacher said the brains were most likely harmless.  He suspected that during their brief existence, they are just confused because their sensory experience doesn’t match their preformed memories.  If anyone encounters such a brain, he said they should not panic, but wait until it disappears, and clean up the area it occupied with bleach.  Any brain that lasts longer than 30 minutes should be reported to local authorities.

When asked to comment, Claar replied, “I’m getting ready to honor our veterans this weekend!  I don’t have time for this.”

A call to the Rosenthal residence was answered by his daughter Rachel, who said he was busy.  In the background, a man who sounded like Rosenthal said, “Sean, if your theory is correct, then why did a brain spontaneously appear in my dog’s food bowl?  Maybe I just proved the existence of the multiverse?”

Also in The Babbler:

Atheists appoint global 'thought leaders'
Remember those who served in The Bolingbrook Time War
Scientists assure Chicago Skeptics that summer will occur this year

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/30/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Atheist TV’s fall schedule revealed

Weeks after American Atheists announced the launch of Atheist TV, sources have revealed the fall schedule.

“(American Atheist president David Silverman) held back the good stuff when he announced the network.”  Said Bruce, who asked that we not use his last name, or reveal his connection to American Atheists.  “The new programs will blow everyone away, and could lead the way for us to become a broadcast network!”

When Silverman announced that the network, which will start operation this summer on Roku, will feature videos of past atheist conventions, as well as content by atheist video bloggers, videos from other atheist groups, and reruns of “The Atheist Viewpoint.” “The Atheist Viewpoint” was produced by the founder of American Atheists, Madalyn Murray.

This fall, according to the sources, “Top quality first run programs” will be added to the network.  All the sources provided descriptions of the teaser trailers for the new programs.  American Atheists plan on having at least one new program on each day of the week.

For Sundays, Atheist TV will have two Sunday news programs.  The first one will be hosted by Silverman.

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Web Exclusive: CFI’s pet fellows defeat Operation American Spring

In a show of intelligence over firepower, the Center for Inquiry’s cat and dog fellows frighten over 10 million armed activists away from Washington DC.

“When I saw the millions of people running away, I didn’t know what to expect.”  Said Bob, a resident of Alexandria, VA.  “When I saw they were running away from four dogs and three cats, I was amazed.  I knew dogs and cats were smart, but not that smart.”

The animals were in Alexandria for CFI’s Women in Secularism conference.  The cat and dog fellows were part of a secret breeding project by the James Randi Educational Foundation to create animals that have human level intelligence and radiate anti-psychic energy.  After the JREF abandoned the project, the three remaining cats and six dogs were adopted by CFI, and promoted to fellows.  They were at the conference for an exclusive fund raising dinner for CFI.  Cassie, a calico, was scheduled to present a speech at the dinner, with the assistance of a translating device.

While in the pet lounge before the dinner, the dogs heard, over what they call the “dognet” that several million humans, armed with guns, were marching in their direction.  Reggie, a pit bull, said that these humans were coming to bully “her mistress,” CFI DC’s Executive Director Melody Hensley.  Reggie vowed to fight to the death to protect his mistress and all the attendees at the conference.

Feline fellow Andy, who some say is part dog, was sitting in the canine section of the lounge as Reggie announced his attention.  Andy, excited about what he has heard, raced back to the feline section, and told his other fellows, Anti-psychic Kitty and Cassie.  Anti-psychic Kitty told Andy to be calm down and be more skeptical of the claim.

Said Anti-psychic Kitty, “someone needed to be the skeptic in the room.  Who better than me?”

With the help of their human assistants, the cats searched the Internet to find out what could be happening.  They soon found out that the marchers were part of Operation American Spring.  The 10 million armed activists planned to rally in Washington DC to remove the President, Vice-president, and any politicians they considered to have violated their oath of office.

Knowing this, the cats had their handlers quickly arrange a meeting with their canine counterparts.  While the meeting was tense at first, with the cats cowering in their carriers, the dogs did listen to what the cats had to say.  Dougie, the dog’s Constitutional Law expert, said Operation American Spring was about to commit treason against the United States government.  Cassie added that while WiS wasn’t their direct target, everyone would be in danger if fighting erupted in DC.  Dougie also feared that some of the activists might threaten CFI members because the activists oppose the separation of church and state while CFI supports it.

“That won't take down my CFI pack!”  Reggie growled.  “I’ll bit as many as I can before they put me down!”

“No Reggie.”  Cassie calmly countered.  “Their pack is larger than your pack.  You cannot fight them with teeth alone.  You have to out think them, and I think I have a plan.”

Later, Reggie said, “Out thinking another pack instead of growling and fighting?  What a concept!  I guess that’s the reason cats are still around.”

Anti-psychic Kitty asked the handlers to get them a stage, bulletproof glass, and a PA system with a canine translation device.  They had to assemble the stage at a point where they could stop the marchers before they passed by the convention.

“To most people, that would seem like an impossible task.”  Said Morgan, who asked that we not use his last name.  “But we have connections, and if we threaten to expose their atheism, they’ll get you what you want, when you want it.”

When the marchers arrived two blocks from the hotel, they saw Reggie standing on the stage with a microphone.  The other dogs and cats where behind him.

“Go away!  Washington DC is our territory!  You can’t come here.  Leave right now or my pit bull friends will kill all of you!”

At first, the crowd stood in stunned silence as they struggled to believe they were listening to a talking dog.  Then a man pulled out his converted automatic rifle and started shooting at the fellows.  The bullets deflected off the clear bulletproof cage without leaving a mark.

The man turned towards the activists.

“It’s a pit bull and it’s bulletproof!  Our guns are worthless against it!”

Half the marchers jumped in the air in horror.  Their impact upon landing could be felt by the convention attendees.  Then all the activists fled in horror.

Justin, who asked that we not use his last name, was driving towards the convention when he was caught up in the chaos.

“I turned the corner, and there were millions of people in front of me, running like mad.  Then this guy jumped into my car and pointed a gun at my head.  He said that the government had just unleashed a horde of zombie pit bulls and he wanted me to take him home.  All I wanted to do was to personally express my disagreement with feminism.  Instead, I’m stuck in Georgia.  I’m broke, my smart phone is dead,  and I'm out of gas.  (Expletive deleted) you Obama!”

The fellows then arrived at the fundraiser as planned, and did not mention the incident to the attendees.

Said Morgan, “it is scary when dogs and cats work together.”

When asked to comment, a female CFI representative said their normal public relations person was in hiding, and denied that CFI had foiled Operation American Spring.

“We’re just so happy here!  CFI president Ron Lindsay welcomed us this year!  That’s a major improvement over last year.  Plus we have awesome speakers, and awesome attendees!  That’s the real story here!  I've got to go!  Now's my chance to get my picture taken with Courtney!”

No one from Operation American Spring could be reached for comment.

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Clow UFO Base reopens!

By Reporter X

Bolingbrook Mayor Roger Claar celebrated the grand reopening of Clow UFO Base with hundreds of dignitaries.

The base, which was closed for repairs after a global abductee uprising in March, reopened this weekend after completing $5 trillion worth of repairs on the UFO Base.  This includes a $1 trillion reflecting pool and museum in honor of the 3,050 staff and soldiers who died during the uprising, and celebrating those who survived and liberated Clow.

“This is a day to reflect on what we lost.”  Claar said during the reopening ceremony. “This is also a day to reflect on what we have gained.  A new, improved Clow UFO Base where beings from across the Universe are free to engage in interstellar commerce and the exchange of ideas!”

Dr. Steven Novella, co-host of The Skeptics Guide to The Universe and a representative of Earth’s skeptical movement, also address the gathered dignitaries.  

“Our movement may have divisions.”  Said Novella.  “The fact that I am being co-sponsored by The Committee for Skeptical Inquiry and Skepchick, shows that we can come together.  The reconstruction of this base shows that we can work together to help you.  With your help, we will bring science and critical thinking to humanity, and our species will be worthy of joining the greater interstellar community.”

Jennifer McCreight, PhD candidate and blogger at The Jenome, was also a featured speaker at the reopening.  Like Novella, she was also co-sponsored by both skeptical groups.

“The progress of a civilization should not be measured just in its scientific knowledge or in its technology.  Just today, Europe selected a drag artist as the winner of a song writing competition, and The NFL drafted its first openly gay player.  There is still more work to be done, especially in my former state of Indiana, but we are making progress.”

President Barack Obama also address the audience, via Holovision.

“I said, ‘yes we can rebuild Clow UFO Base,’ and today, we did rebuild Clow.  It is amazing what you can accomplish when you don’t have to deal with Congress.”

An alien in the audience shouted, “Benghazi” during the speech.  She was detained, but then released when she explained that she thought the word meant she supported the President.  

The aliens who toured the new facility had nothing but praise for the reconstruction effort.

Said Opgot Sygot, “the invisible shelters at Americana Estates were OK, but I prefer staying at the new and improved Clow UFO Base!  It is closer to one of the many hearts of Bolingbrook!”

Jeff Wagg, the New World Order’s liaison to Clow UFO Base, praised the reconstruction effort.

“I love my new office, but it is sad that it took a criminal act for me to get one.  So I resolve to make sure that Clow UFO Base will remain worthy of those who gave so much so that we could enjoy this gateway to the stars!”

Clow reconstruction was paid for by a loan by The New World order, that also went towards reconstructing North America’s UFO Bases.  All UFO bases on Earth are expected to be operational by the end of this week.

Also in The Babbler:

Scientists fear an outbreak of Indiana Respiratory Syndrome
The Babbler celebrates the mothers of Bolingbrook!
Atheist teens slam God in front of approving parents

God to smite Bolingbrook on 5/14/14

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Monday, May 5, 2014

Web Exclusive: Bolingbrook Satanists celebrate Supreme Court ruling

Members of Bolingbrook's satanic church, 1st Bolingbrook Temple of the Morning Star, praised today's Supreme Court ruling in favor of sectarian prayers at government meetings.

"No more watered down invocations!"  Exclaimed High Priest Draven.  "When the mayor asks us to do a invocations, we will be able praise our liberator and teacher Lucifer!"

Currently, Bolingbrook Village Board meetings do not open with an invocation, but Sheldon, Cleric of the Fallen Star, thinks that will change.

"(Mayor Roger) Claar is a Republican.  Republicans believe in using every opportunity to fool people into thinking they worship God.  Trust me.  There will be invocations at the board meetings.  It is only a matter of time."

While many critics of the ruling say it will alienate members of minority religions,  Draven is not concerned about his members.

"Ninety-nine percent of all politicians believe in Satan.  So in the government, we're actually the majority religion!  If our dark liberator so wishes, I'll deliver at least one invocation a year to the politicians of Bolingbrook.  You know how politicians like to pander to both sides.  They'll love the opportunity to finally be able to openly pander to our liberator, Lucifer!"

 When asked to comment if Claar was a believer in Satan, Sheldon replied, "make of it what you will."

Adam Z. Hillinger, president of the Bolingbrook Chapter of American Atheists, said that there should be no prayers at the beginning of any government meeting.

"Boy, The Supreme Court sure knows how to spoil our Cinco De Mayo party!  I feel like our country is turning into a theocracy.  Do you feel that way too?  Why don't you make a tax deductible donation to American Atheists so we can keep putting on our sombreros and shaking our maracas against the corrupting influence of religion!"

When called for a comment, Claar answered the phone and said, "I am not a vegan.  I have never proposed outlawing the sale of meat in Bolingbrook.  As long as you're not a cannibal, you are welcome to dine and shop in Bolingbrook."

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Manchester Mumbler: No space aliens in the UK says UKIP!

By Reporter Zed

Note: Due to legal issues in the United Kingdom, our sister publication, The Manchester Mumbler was not allowed to run this article.  We are posting this article on our web page in solidarity with our sister publication.  Most spellings have been Americanized. 

Sources within the United Kingdom Independence Party say if elected, they will evict all space aliens.

“Now I’m not racist.”  Said one source.  “But (expletive deleted) those little green men and their superior attitude!  We once ruled most of the world until we let those filthy creatures on to the island.  Again, I’m not being racist, but all aliens are filthy creatures who shouldn’t be spoiling British soil!”

The sources agree that if the party gains control of the House of Commons in 2015, their first act will be to shutdown all 20 UFO bases, and evict all 1000 resident space aliens from the country.  

“I’m not racist.”  Said another source within the party.  “All we’re asking is that they keep their bizarre cultures and their godless super science off our islands!”

“I’m also not racist.”  Said a third source.  “The party is simply saying to the universe that access to advance technology, new medicines, and greater knowledge of the universe is not with the cost of diluting our superior British Culture!”

Critics of UKIP charge that such an eviction would cost the UK an estimated £100 trillion, destroy the UK’s covert science foundations, drive the UK into the dark ages, and incur the wrath of the New World Order.

Said Bruce Z. Wellington, Deep Shadow Secretary for Labour’s Office of Outer Space Affairs, “Universal Isolationism isn’t the answer.  Just look at the Chinese for example.  They tried isolationism, and nearly because a British Colony.  If we isolate ourselves from the universe, we’ll fall so far behind that we’ll turn into a colony, and we won’t be able free ourselves, like the Americans did.  We’d turn into the native americans, and I don’t want to see that happen!”

Added Robert X. Cameron, Deep Shadow Secretary for the Tories Office of Outer Space Affairs, “Too many job creators have connections with our interstellar friends for us to allow this to happen.  Aliens are the key to enriching our business leaders.  Austerity is for the poor, not for our supporters!”

Og Pgod, spokesperson for the Resident Interstellar Society of the UK, denounced the UKIP’s alleged policy.

“I’m not anti-UKIP, but this party seems to be made up of passive aggressive racists who feel that their small damp island is the height of civilization.  Visitors like us are trying to help your island move away from carbon based fuels, and the UKIP wants to undermine our efforts.  Your planet is trying to kill you, and the UKIP wants to help!  We are the real friends of Britain!  Oh, and if you are really concerned about religion and politics, why don’t you work for a separation of church and state, instead of waging a holy war?  Think of what the world would be like if the British hadn’t driven out so many people over religion!”

No one from the UKIP would publicly comment to The Mumbler.

Also in The Manchester Mumbler:

Daily Mail secretly controlled by atheists say sources
Editorial: United States and Canada should stop bickering and merge
Russia threatens to annex Manchester ‘Ukraine style’

God to smite Manchester on 7/5/2014

Please note: All articles on this site are works of fiction.